i wrote a long, bare-my-soul type post this morning. i was all set to upload it and then i read andrea's comment about the purple pirate finding this site via his referral logs. that got me to worrying about tarnishing my image by letting people read the truth about me.
the truth.
i mean, that guy from hot-or-not surely won't want to email me anymore if he reads what i wrote. the purple pirate, who probably doesn't remember me from a specific balloon poodle he made, wouldn't think i was cool after that. everyone will read it and think "ew. i can't believe i thought i liked her. she's so fucked up!"
well, fuck you if you can't handle it. if you don't want to read it, then don't. just skip right down the page, or leave entirely, i don't care which. make up your mind, because here it comes:
i've been thinking about why i haven't had any wild sex. i'm sure it's part and parcel of my general lack of practical sexual experience. i'm wildly green for a twenty-nine year old. but, even more than that... i think i'm gross and getting naked in front of people makes me shy and scared.
i'm fat, you see. actually, i think the clinical term is obese. really, really fat. if you saw me walking down the street your eyes would narrow critically and think "ew, what a slob". sometimes, i delude myself into thinking i'm a pretty attractive person. i know for a fact i'm actually somewhat cute... from the neck up. that's why there are very few full-length pictures available of me. i've got to sustain the illusion of my allure. it's all i've got.
when someone expresses an interest in me, i get happy and i'm flattered and i'm attracted and i feel somewhat better about myself. until i see myself in the mirror as i'm walking around my apartment. that's when the "they'll run screaming when they see me naked" thoughts begin. they've effectively sabotaged several pretty good chances at my having a normal relationship in the past. i just can't rid myself of the prejudice against human nature's ingrained desire for physical beauty above all things.
i am not physically beautiful.
although, that does not mean i am not beautiful in other ways.
it's taken me a very long time to be able to say, think, and write that last sentence. the hardest part was learning to believe it. thankfully, i do now. i truly do.
but, i still think i'm gross to look at.
the worst part about having these feelings is not being able to express them to anyone else. as soon as you do utter something of this sort about yourself, the person you're uttering them to feels some urge to assure you, emphatically, that you are indeed beautiful and it doesn't matter how fat you are or how big your nose is. they take great pains to try to make you feel better when, in fact, all they're doing is making themselves feel better. people don't like to hear another put themselves down because it arouses all their own self-doubts and self-confidence issues. they immediately quash their negativity with heaps of positive platitudes in order to stuff down their rising fear of being discovered as a less-than-good-enough person.
i don't want people to attempt to reassure me that i'm not unattractive. they can't ever assure me that i'm not fat, which is what i mean when i say "i'm icky". i'm icky because people don't lust and fantasize over fat girls. normally, that is. i'm fully aware of the "chubby chaser" breed of human; but, they're rare and are often ashamed of their preference.
but, for now, when i try to have a relationship of any sort there's always that lingering fear in the back of my mind. that little voice that whispers to me in the dark of night: "so what if they think you're smart? so what if they think you're funny? they haven't seen you with your clothes off yet... that's when they'll run!"
don't start with the "obviously you're not gross. people have had sex with you" bit. trust me, i've tried to use that on myself a million times. but, thinking about the people i've had sex with, i fairly sure i'm right when i say i was just scratching an itch they couldn't reach, if you know what i mean. i was convenient, willing and warm. that's all they needed at the time, so i fit the bill. don't make that clucking noise with your tongue, either. it's okay. most of them were just convenient for me, too.
i have hope though. i have the hope that someday i'll find someone in whom i trust so much that i'll be able to ignore that voice. that there's a person out there who can love every part of me like the other. that my insides and my outsides are all beautiful to them and they will wonder over every bit and in their wonder i will be at peace.
