January 2003 Archives

yeah, i got nothing.

why is it that when faced with adversity women start to cry but men want to hit something?

seems chewing is going to be an effort for a while. i can't bite down on anything on the side which got worked on without shooting pains in my jaw. pisses me off considering that was my chewing side! now everything is masticated on the wrong side and i feel like a chipmunk with mumps while eating. attractive!

i'm painted myself into a homework corner once again this week. two days to do two week's worth of work. why the hell do i do this to myself? i must really like the adrenaline.

what's with "zero dollars" instead of "free" or "cash back" instead of "discount"? i fucking hate advertisers. almost as much as i hate the fact that society, in an effort to keep itself safe from litigation, is curtailing people's opportunities to make the wrong decision. i don't want to be so protected from doing something wrong, dangerous or stupid that i lose all ability to use common sense. then again, common sense is a rare commodity these days, it appears.

stop breeding common sense out of the human race, dammit. i'm sick of my freedoms being curtailed because you're a fucking idiot.

guess who got to be a passenger in her dream car today? yes, me. me! i knew i'd love the volkswagen golf, but i hadn't actually been inside one until now. it's pretty much everything i thought it would be. i just wish i knew how to drive stick so i could have actually driven it a wee bit. i can only imagine it's even more drool-inspiring when you're behind the wheel. ahh, just what i needed... more incentive to get debt-free to afford getting into debt again.

my tongue is huge and there's a foul taste in my mouth.

no, it's not ebola. i've just returned from the dentist where my last two mercury amalgam fillings were replaced with the white fillings of indeterminate substance. whee! my teeth are all white again! no silver in my mouth, baby.

now if i would only stop drooling on myself...

p.s. you don't ever want your dentist to say "oh... this is going to take longer than i expected" after he's started working on your teeth.

p.p.s. i found out what the silver things he stuffed down into my gums were. no wonder i'm still in pain.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
When will your swirling urges for adventure boil over, Cancerian? When will it become impossible for you to keep ignoring the call of illuminating temptations and exotic sanctuaries? When will you finally give in to your longing to escape and wander? The astrological omens suggest the turning point will come soon. They say that in the frontiers of your imagination, the vision of a brave quest is already simmering. Where will the mysterious awakening lead you? To the ends of the earth? To the secret heart of a familiar stranger? To the gritty depths of your dreams of the future?
[thank you jodi chromey]

i ran out of peanut butter, so i'm eating chicken fried rice for breakfast.

okay, listen up. yes, you!

effective immediately, everyone on my people list must upgrade their sites to look pleasing in netscape 7 so i can switch my main browser. that means watch your css positioning so that the columns don't overlap and, for god's sake, don't let it scroll horizontally!

we now return you to your regularily scheduled day. thank you.

- i bet you didn't know i had an about page i update infrequently with current trivia about myself.
- i'm also fairly certain few of you ever visit the webcam (which is updated even less frequently).
- then there is the now-defunct guestbook no one ever signed (except col), so i turfed it.
- i've added a new item to my store.
- my wishlist has been converted to the canadian store to make the gifts you buy me arrive sooner (and save yankees money), but i've retained the amerikun version for a few items which aren't available up north.
- did you know you can search my archives to see if i've talked about you?
- i've started collecting the pictures i post during the month into galleries, too.
- it's mostly a joke, but if you want you can give me five bucks.

"you wouldn't worry about what people thought of you if you knew how little they did."

i'm over it.

i can't even begin to describe how extraordinarily alone i feel right now.

i like my instructor more with every class. i just wish the network hadn't been down today. that sucked a lot. at least i'd had the foresight to print out this week's notes. i'm not pleased about being unable to start the homework until it's put online, though. i guess i'll just have to watch the dvds i rented today.

yay dvds!

dad phoned while i was at school leaving a message about a superbowl party at the step-uncle's tomorrow. if i hadn't blown off this morning doing dick all, i might have taken him up on it. as it is, i'm already tentatively booked to go out with m&m, but who the hell knows what's going on with them lately. i still don't even know if we're playing tonight after last week's kafuffle. men are dumb. especially when combined with beer. remember that. it may prove useful in your future dealings with the creatures.

so yeah, dvds. i rented quills and some german flick called advertising rules! (with the exclamation point). if you care, i might let you know how i liked them. but, really, i don't know why people even bother reviewing films. they're far too subjective a medium to rely upon someone else's (especially a stranger's) interpretation. but if you really want me to, i'll share my impressions.

oh yes. i will share.

i'm eating hallowe'en-sized aero bars and debating whether or not to find out if we're doing anything tonight. i could stay home with my movies, popcorn and a pizza (dear god, how i've been craving pizza this week) and avoid drama altogether. i probably won't. maybe i won't. i just really have no idea if i will or i won't right now. i'll let you know later. right now, i'm going to go play blasterball revolution. and finish these bits of chocolate. mm, chocolate.

busses and cars are like little sausages with wheels: outer casings filled with meat.

best. post. ever.

i should be doing homework, but instead i'm watching a dvd while awaiting the end of laundry and the start of the bachelorette... yes, this is the life of a single girl in the city. woot.

it's a shame to even entertain the idea of exercising tonight. i'll get all hot & and sweaty and then i'll have to have a shower which will ruin this absolutely lovely hair day i'm experiencing. *sigh* what's a girl to do?

my teeth hurt.

guess who got a dvd-player for their computer! for free even! woot!

installed it last night and everything is working hunky-dory. i went out to the video store in my braless, pajamaed wonder to rent ocean's eleven on dvd to test it out. i didn't even realize i had no bra on until i walked into the store. oops.

besides furnishing me with a free dvd-player, mike-from-work also managed to free my les mis cd from the cd-rom from hell today. double woot!

i feel very "you can't touch me" today, for some reason. as if it doesn't matter what anyone says or anything does it won't bother me a bit. i like it. i like it a lot.

damn, someone derailed my train of thought. oh, wait, i remember now!

i'm slowly making my site valid xhtml 1.0 transitional. i figured since i'm taking the xml class it only made sense i convert my own stuff over to valid xml-friendly markup. i even went in and changed some of the greymatter code to produce valid xhtml. yes, i'm a dork, but that's why some people love me.

while i'm geeking it up, i may as well annouce that my site is now covered by a creative commons license. it probably won't mean much to anyone, but everything on my site is available for anyone to reproduce, use or perfom as long as they cite me as the source, any commercial uses must be approved by me, and any derivative works produced are required to be covered by the same license.

i've decided that i need to start smoking again so i'll have a reason to go up and down the stairs at work more often during the day.

you people suck.

overslept. rush rush! headache from all the fucking wringing bells around here. no, that isn't a typo. don't you get it?

this is my daddy & me at xmas. when the guy i don't know was taking our picture, he said "c'mon! get closer! you love your father, don't you?" hence the stupid pose on my part. otherwise, it's not that bad a photo, i suppose. considering i think it's the first of the two of us since graduation (in 1990 *cough*) i'm glad it got taken.

i'm craving diet root beer and yoghurt.

i don't think this is going to be a very good day.

my limbs are all tingly and my head is fuzzy. i feel like i need more sleep, but i know that if i were at home in bed i would only turn and toss. the time is going by too slowly. i lost six pages of work i had to re-do and both times i did it, it didn't balance. my chair is not comfortable, i want my big purple ball instead, please. it feels like my hair looks okay, but i can't be entirely sure because i haven't looked in a mirror since i got out of the shower and at that time it was wet and dripping down my back. it's dry now; i hope it's presentable. the window-washing fluid in my car ran dry on the way to work. lovely. between the fog and the crud i couldn't clean off the windshield i'm lucky i made it here alive. then again, maybe a day in hospital would be more interesting that this morning here. dear fucking christ, i wish things would move a little quicker.

part of me wishes i'd been the one who was laid off last week. that's the part of me which wants to be carefree and irresponsible. the one who wants to run away and hitchhike accross the continent or take off for parts unknown with just a towel and a smile. i want to run away.

did you hear the one about the girl who didn't have sex for two years? yeah, she started getting tingly limbs and having hobo fantasies. then she became a raging homicidal maniac. *kill*

paul. dan. jason. john. darrin. joe. rick. paul. morgan. jason. they're all gone from my life now. some i sent away, others kicked me out, the rest just kind of slipped out quietly while i wasn't paying attention. i take the blame for all the mistakes. i expected too much from all of them at one point or another. my needs were overwhelming and they just weren't the right people to fulfill them. but i learned something from each of them. i'm glad for the experiences. i've let them all go now, with good will and good wishes. now it's time to really be alone, i suppose.

fucking amazing.

okay, the buying a camera thing so isn't happening.

i gave myself a severe dressing down in regards to my finances last night. i really have to smarten up, especially considering the distinct possiblility of being on strike at some point during the summer. maybe it was reading about devon's being laid off which really brought it home or the realization i've been far, far, far too spendthrifty the last few months. then again, it could have been the thousand dollars i just gave to the bank. *wince*

can i tell you how much of a let down it was to realize this morning that i had to get up and go to work again? i was so sure the week was over. i mean it felt like five days. oh well, at least i'm going out for lunch. just to the grocery store, but still, it's a chance to leave the compound for a little while.

i've decided that my life is too short and my time is too valuable to waste it on people and situations i don't find fulfilling. to that end, i will not chat with people i have no genuine interest in. i will not attend functions i don't truly wish to participate in. i will resist any and all attempts via guilt or persuation to corral me into activities which do not appeal to me.

i can't tell you how free i suddenly feel.

p.s. i've also pretty much decided to take some of that "extra" money and pick up the used minolta maxxum 5000 at the camera shop. i've heard good things about it from a couple people i respect, and it's in my price range. whee! it's scary to try film photography again, but i'm excited!

stupid, useless, run-and-hide dreams. i thought going to bed before ten would help my situation. instead, i was running uphill and hiding in basements all bloody night. what kind of rest is that?

my kitchen is a bit of a sty right now. the garbage really needs to be taken out, but the last two nights, once i've gotten home, i didn't even want to venture out as far as the dumpster. that would have involved putting shoes on again. no. more. shoes. shoes are evil things and i think i need to start a barefoot campaign. or at least a stockinged foot revolution. i don't know. someone needs to come clean my kitchen. then there's this weird urge to rearrange my main room. the problem being, there's only so much space and i think it's pretty much optimized at the moment. there's very little i can think to do to change the layout at all. we'll see.

yay! it's free money week! well, not really free. but it's my "extra" payday this friday and i got my rebate cheque for the php course from hell yesterday. whee! that's over $1300 which isn't allocated to anything. oh, right. except debt repayment. *sigh* you know, this being responsible crap is picking my butt. i wish i didn't care how much i owed or didn't mind getting in more and more debt. $1300... i could go visit the wellers or to go a con! i could buy a new camera or a new tv/dvd setup. but, no. i'll put it on the money i owe the bank, like a good girl. bleh.

i'm trying the exercise thing again. spent half an hour on the bike after work last night. i don't get as good a workout on an bike as i do on the elliptical machine, but at least i can read while pedalling. it keeps me on the bike longer than i probably would be if i couldn't use my mind while i worked out. music just doesn't cut it for me on the jogging machine. it leaves too much of my mind free to wander and when my mind wanders, time seems to slow down. then i get frustrated and i stop even attempting the exercise because it's boring. i figure i'll work myself up to an hour on the bike. it will kill two stones with one bird: 1) fitness, and 2) more time for reading. at least that's the plan. who knows if it'll really happen. of course, now i've totally jinxed it. ohwell.

going to the airport to pick up karen tonight. yay! i love going to the airport. no, really! it's an awesome place to peoplewatch and just hang out. parking is expensive, but they have a "street prices" guarantee on all the vendors and restaurants, so you don't get gouged if you want to eat while you're there. i think i'll get myself a nice gingerbread latte (dear god, i wish they'd have those all year 'round) and make some pictures while i'm there. i just hope i don't get tackled by security for suspicious activity.

that's the plan. how's your hump day?

that stupid juicer was on the shopping channel again last night. i really want one. buy it for me?

so, i taped the jfk jr movie sunday night. i don't know why, but i thought it might be interesting in a historical sense. i should have known better. i mean, it's a tbs original movie, for god's sake.

after getting home from a very long and mostly unfulfilling monday at work, i pressed "play" and started to watch it. half way through, i became utterly disgusted with myself. i couldn't belive i was watching such tabloid schlock. if i were jon-jon or jackie-o, i'd have been thrashing about in my grave. i stopped the tape, lept from the futon and stalked into the kitchen where i started to do something productive instead of giving into the celebrity hype machine and gossip mongering which made that piece of tripe possible.

seriously, what did john kennedy jr do beside be born to an american president (albeit, a very popular one)? what about his life made him deserving of such fame and devotion? nothing. he was smart and charismatic, yes. he was charming and handsome, yes. but did he contribute anything to business, science, or society? not so much. so why are the fawning and fussing?

yes, it's a sad story. the kennedys do indeed appear to be cursed in some manner. tragedy seems to haunt them from generation to generation. but, really, do you think that makes them worthy of any more attention than a non-descript family in the mid-west who have had just as many losses through the years?

the more i think about it, the more the idea of celebrity disgusts me. just because someone gets paid a lot of money to act or sing or paint or write doesn't make them worthy of such blind devotion. there are equally talented people out there in the world who don't do it (whatever that may be) for the attention, but for the love of the craft. there are even people out there without such singular talents who are much, much better people in many small ways that even the most lauded humanitarian. why aren't they praised in the same manner as the guy who gets on tv?

maybe it's human nature to seek someone to idolize. we've had gods and kings and actors and politicians and heros all though history. we've immortalized these leaders in marble, bronze, paint, poetry, prose and songs. maybe we're all just lemmings with toys and a big vocabularies. maybe we just don't know how to be happy with who we are. putting our fates and dreams in the hands of others... doesn't it all seem a little silly? they can't possibly care about each and every one of us. we should take care of ourselves. praise ourselves for all the skills and talents we possess. maybe if we stop relying on others to make us famous, we won't need to exalt pop culture figures to make us feel complete.

i was doing really well until the headache started. happily surprised by the number of people who've noticed i got my hair cut. reading up on wap/wml crap. don't know why i'm bothering, though. i won't be allowed to do the work on it.

yeah, okay. i won't post until i'm less cranky, thanks.

dishes
shower
knitting
homework
shopping
haircut
cooking
dusting
laundry

sometimes my world gets just a little too small for comfort.

i tried to find him once before, to no avail. i considered it a sign. there was a reason i couldn't find him when i wanted. the universe meant me to leave that door closed.

now it's opened a titch and the past is leaking through.

it's a test. someone, somewhere, wants to see just how good my resolve is. how much i'm willing to withstand my fearsome curiosity to remain true to my promise to myself to leave the past in the past. to not dwell on what was. to let go of the hurt, the self-recriminations, the anger, the still lingering wondering what might have been.

some doors need to stay locked. some should even be bricked up and hermetically sealed. yet, sometimes, you need to peek in just to ensure you made the right choice. i did that just recently and i'm very glad of it. but this one... too many daemons behind it. too much of everything. the memories are enough.

it needs to be enough that i now know where he is, that he's alive and seemingly well. honestly, it's more than i had hoped for.

got my grades for the php/javascript course from hell. i'm smarter than i look, it seems. i got 93%! yay!

and i start my xml class tomorrow... there goes twelve more saturdays.

either i've written this elsewhere, or maybe i just thought about writing it elsewhere, but i think my subconscious is telling me it's time to find a boy. all of my dreams for the last week have had lovely boys who liked kissing me in them. gosh, what i wouldn't give to find one for my waking hours.

hosting issues. testing. things may break. do not panic!

the word of the day is: bastard. go ahead. use it in conversation. you'll feel much better, i assure you.

...in no particular order:

1. i lost a hubcap yesterday.
2. i have a pre-migraine and i want to die.
3. jodi chromey is the bestest person in the universe.

everyone, and i do mean everyone, should see the pianist. it is beyond description.

1. Do you wear any jewelry? What kind?
funny you should ask this. i usually wear an 18g silver hoop in my left ear and a 20g hoop (either silver or blue -- blue at the moment) in my nose. and that's it. but, just today, i'm starting to wear the diamond & sapphire ring my mother gave me for xmas. i'm eventually going to have it made into something different because the style is a little too clunky for my tastes, and it will give me a chance to incorporate the white gold i have from my parents' wedding rings.

2. How often do you wear it?
the hoops in my head, all the time. i change my nose ring a couple times a year, but only for special occasions. the ring? i don't know how long that will last. i'm really uneasy about wearing real diamonds. i'm afraid i'm going to lose it or i'll get mugged for it.

3. Do you have any piercings? If so, where?
yes. five in my ears (three left, two right) and one in my nose (right side). i'll probably get a nipple or two pierced at some point, but i'm not in any hurry for that.

4. Do you have any tattoos? If so, where?
no tattoos. yet.

5. What are your plans for the weekend?
my only plans were to take the car to the mechanic and see what kind of damage he could do to my bank account. as previously posted, he did a mighty fine job. *cough* otherwise, i hung out and did small things around the house. whee.

i very nearly bought a juicer yesterday while watching the shopping channel. they made watermelon juice. it looked so tasty i really wanted some, but i spent $600 on my car instead.

i could have bought two juicers for that.

you know, i've worked entirely too hard for a friday. at least now i have a minute or so to catch my breath. *pant*

wicked winds woke me from a dead sleep at 1:01 this morning. i thought my windows were going to blow off the side of the building. while i was up, i witnessed the transformer across the street blow up. that was fun! trying to go back to sleep was not. i'm not exactly sure when i finally passed out, but it was far too close to two am, if you ask me. which you didn't, but i thought i'd tell you anyway.

next week is looking freakishly busy. monday, i'm going to yet another movie karen won tickets to. tuesday is a double-feature at the ridge i really want to see (but probably won't). wednesday i'm supposed to go to the dentist, but i think i'll cancel that because i don't think i want to go to the hockey game (!!!) after having fillings replaced. thursday is a union meeting i must attend. friday we're going to pho for lunch, but the night is free which is good because i start my next course that saturday. phew. oh yeah, and i'm taking my car in tomorrow to get it all ready for the rest of winter and, hopefully, going to the art gallery.

now, about this plebiscite business. the more i hear that hat-wearing, swaggering ex-m.e., larry campbell prattle on about "giving vancouverites a voice", the more i want to scream. not because accurately gauging public support is a bad idea, on the contrary, i totally agree with that. not even because i worry that the ioc will get nervous if we show any waver in our support for the bid, which i do. why it irks me to no end is that mister mayor seems to think that only the residents of vancouver city should have a say in this. well, buck that, fuddy. if the entire olympics and all its venues fell within your council's borders, then sure. go right ahead. hold your vote and make it definitive.

what da vinci seems not to realize, or care about, are the other communities in the lower mainland who will equally bear responsibility for hosting the games. hey, is that whistler residents and business owners i hear screaming bloody murder? wait, what about the north shore mountains? don't forget about all the poor people in other municipalities who will have to deal with the influx of people and traffic and just general inconveniences brought by having the world focus on such an event. don't they deserve a chance to speak, too?

mr. campbell's arrogance -- maybe it's in the name? -- astounds me. then again, this is the same man who wants to set up safe injection sites for heroin addicts. yeah, that's a great idea. maybe it really is in the name. sounds just like someone else named campbell who wants to proliferate alcohol through our communites as much as legally possible. buying beer at a gas station is such a good idea, too!

by the way, i never vent on politics, so i reserve any and all rights to be wrong, sound like a moron or just generally be a whiny bitch about things i don't know very much about.

while sitting on the futon & knitting while i waited for my laundry to finish so i could start scrubbing down my (shamefully disgusting) shower, i seemed to notice a lot of commercials for pull-ups on tv. you know which ones i'm talking about, those cute commercials with the little kids giving their tips on how to potty train: "don't forget to flush!"

somehow that made me think about how much pressure those poor kids are put under. i mean, it can be a seriously stressful time for a child. the little things have happily been pooping or peeing whenever they wanted to and now they're being told that they have to change their elimination routines to fit societal rules.

that's when i started thinking about how different life would be if our ancient ancestors hadn't started using designated areas, away from their living spaces, for bodily functions. what would the world look like if we shat or pissed whenever the urge struck, just like animals? i don't think there'd be wall-to-wall carpeting, for one. i also think we'd have a very different olfactory system -- either much more sensitive (to filter through all the fecal odours) or much less descriminating (to block out anything offensive).

no, really. this is the kind of thing i think about.