i'm feeling lonely and in need of physical comfort.
there's not much to add to that, really. it's just one of those days when you'd love to go home and have someone there to hug me and ask me how my day was and then cuddle with me on the couch while we talk about stuff or just let the tv melt our brains.
this is my list of things i want/need to make my life more comfortable/fun but i'm loathe to "waste" my savings on:
- printer/scanner
- vacuum
- futon mattress
- vcr or vcr/dvd combo
- stereo tv
- car
- lomo
- plane ticket(s)
- digital slr
- 900mhz phone
- saucier
- one bedroom apartment
- new balance runners
(links added to help heather)
this entry box is intimidating this morning and i don't even have any pictures to show you. sorry.
xml. xsl. xsd. css. wap. wml. asp. jsp. html. xhtml. php. xslt.
yeah, i've got another big assignment due this weekend. i'm all about the homework this week.
Just as there's a time frame for withdrawal symptoms from stopping tobacco, there's a time frame for reaping some great health benefits. Keep these points in mind, especially during the first weeks and months of stopping.
Within:
- twenty minutes your blood pressure, heart rate and temperature in your hands and feet normalize.
- eight hours oxygen and carbon dioxide levels in your blood normalize.
- one day your likelihood of having a heart attack decreases.
- two days your senses of smell and taste improve. Nerve endings start to regrow.
- two weeks to three months your circulation becomes better and your breathing improves. Walking becomes easier.
- one to nine months coughing, sinus congestion, shortness of breath and fatigue decrease. You have more energy.
- one year your excess risk of heart disease is now less than half what it was a year ago.
- five years your risk of cancer of the lung, mouth, throat and esophagus is half that of a pack-a-day smoker.
- ten years your risk of dying from lung cancer is similar to that of a nonsmoker.
- fifteen years you are no more at risk of heart disease than if you'd never smoked.
in the last year i've not smoked 2080 cigarettes and saved at least $728. my breathing has markedly improved and my sense of smell is freakishly sensitive. i don't have that annoying "throat gurgle" anymore. now that i've finally reached the one-year mark, i'm ready to proclaim i'm officially a non-smoker again. go me!
i wanted to rant about how much i hate my job and my car and my life and pretty much everything that has anything to do with me, but i realized i even hate ranting and writing and typing and computers and blogging and websites and the internet. i especially hate anything that has anything to do with government or media or consumerism or money or people or causes. i hate working. i hate being bored. i hate chores. i hate waking up. i hate cooking. i hate cleaning. i hate homework. i hate parties. i hate gatherings. i hate dirt. i hate dust. i hate being the last person on the call list. i hate being the organizer. i hate being dumped on. i hate being dumped. i hate guilt trips. i hate fake compliments. i hate eye contact. i hate interruptions. i hate phone calls. i hate sleep-drooling. i hate not having a cat. i hate not having a real bed to sleep in. i hate my upstairs neighbour. i hate that i never get mail on fridays. i hate distance. i hate loneliness. i hate idiots. i hate the nosey motherfuckers who think it's their job to check up on me. i hate spam. i hate raw mushrooms. i hate my crappy fridge. i hate being broke. i hate being in debt. i hate hating so many things. i hate that you now think i'm a hateful bitch who has no idea of the priviledges she claims. i hate being miserable. i hate sweating. i hate dirty fingernails. i hate tailgaters. i hate awkward silences. i hate strangers. i hate that skunk smell. i hate my sore wrists and my sore neck and my sore tooth and my sore back. i hate the way i feel if i drink more than two beer in an hour. i hate that farrah fawcett hair is back. i hate that i don't care i'm wasting time thinking about all the things i hate instead of actually doing something to eliminate some of the things i hate from my life. i hate that i haven't had coffee in two days. i hate being so far away from some of my favourite people. i hate that i lost so many years with my dad. i hate that it's not time to go home yet. i hate that i'm hungry and i have nothing to snack on. i hate that i think i've disappointed more people than i've impressed. i hate hating.
ugsome (UG-suhm) adjective
Dreadful, loathsome.
[From Middle English, from uggen, from Old Norse ugga (to fear). As in many typical stories where one child in a family becomes well-known while the other remains obscure, "ugly" and "ugsome" are two words derived from the same root -- one is an everyday word while the other remains unusual.]
after watching the saturday night live i taped saturday night (duh), i must now admit that i am utterly and completely aroused by dave grohl. dear god, i just wanted to grab his tie and pull him offstage to ravage me senseless.
ahem.
sorry about that. i didn't mean to go that far. i know none of you really care what gets my juices flowing, as it were. i mean, really, you're probably now searching for a good therapist. i wouldn't blame you. it's like picturing your parents having sex or what really goes into that hot dog you ate for lunch.. you have a vague intellectual awareness of them as facts, but you daren't dwell upon them for long if you wish to keep yourself sane and your puppies properly furred.
*grin*
there's a cloud outside my window which looks exactly like the starship enterprise (ncc1701-d) flying in a direction away from me.
today, i'm drinking green tea with mint (and stevia) instead of coffee. we'll see if there's enough caffeine in it to keep me from becoming ms. krankypants. of course, it's monday, so there may be little hope for that.
i just made a shepherd's pie. who's coming over to have dinner with me?
i just wrote out a list of all the tasks, projects, errands, phone calls, etc i have pending. i am now officially overwhelmed.
AHAHAH!!!
read this. just a taste:
Extroverts have little or no grasp of introversion. They assume that company, especially their own, is always welcome. They cannot imagine why someone would need to be alone; indeed, they often take umbrage at the suggestion.
last night i dreamt that i was on an alaskan cruise. there was a mystery involved and before it was all over bruce allen (bryan adam's long-time manager & vancouver well-known) was trying his very best to seduce me. by the time the alarm started squawking at me, i had decided i had made the wrong decision and wanted to tell bruce it was entirely all right for him to kiss me.
besides the unfulfilled dream loving, i can't seem to sleep enough lately. i'm absolutely exhausted by the time i get home, but when it's time to go to bed i can't fall asleep, not to mention the fact that i just cannot seem to get out of bed in the morning because i'm up so late trying to fall asleep. fuck, i hate unflexible schedules. i'm so tired i could cry.
so, it seems i'm scared shitless of intimate relationships with men. that's got to be it. i'm doing everything in my power not to take any risk of falling for anyone, ever. if i care for you, i'll either smother you with my attention or shut you down if you're really getting too close. i can't deal with being emotionally vulnerable. it freaks me out and i don't know how to deal with it. that being said, the greatest contradiction is that i'd love to have someone to trust and love unconditionally. okay, that's a lie. even typing that out makes me uncomfortable. i once believed that i really did want that story-book love of your life thing. in some respects i still do, but only as an ideal.
now, i think i just need someone who'll call me on my bullshit and be patient when they have to yank out my feelings because i've been hurt or offended. oddly, i have someone like that in my life now. too bad he's already married.
i tried pmachine yesterday (on ej's recommendation) and although my first reaction was unfavourable, after some time to cool down from my frustration with it, i can see how it could be used in a more flexible manner. but, the authors have made it difficult in some respects and their documentation is sorely lacking in several areas. next to test: moveable type. maybe next week, because i still have a lot of pictures to scan this weekend.
oh, i haven't mentioned that, have i? well, yeah. there's a project at work involving a whack of scanning and when i told them they really didn't want to use the old, crappy scanner for that task (where perfection is paramount) they ordered a brand new one and told me i could take it home to do the work in my off hours. of course, while i have such a beast in my possession, i'm scanning all of my photographs. i figure it'll be fun to have them all on a couple cds and instead of having to haul out the trunk and find the box with the right collection of prints, i can just pull them up on the computer. although, after last night, i'm starting to think i bit off a whole lot more than i can chew.
i finally finished the crossroads of twilight the other day. two days late to the library and two weeks wasted. dear me, that book pissed me off. seven-hundred pages covering 36 hours in the lives of the characters. a set-up book. there wasn't even a payoff at the end. nothing remotely interesting happened. that's it, robert jordan can kiss my ass (until such time as he finished the series and then, i suppose, i'll see what the hell his point was).
while enjoying jason kottke's beautiful photographs of paris, i was struck by several notions:
- north america will never be architecturally historical. our obsession with newer and better almost forces us to destroy things we deem as old or outdated in order to improve upon them. personally, i think this a failing, but i'm the minority.
- it appears there are no more than 25 people in all of paris. these 25 people spend most of the their time reading, walking leisurely along a river, selling produce or visiting museums. tourists don't count, of course.
- notre dame makes me weep.
- parisian stencil grafitti rocks.
- obviously, there is no electricity in paris for not a single powerline obscures any of the breathtaking views.
it's a banner day in my quest for geekdom! i've been selected to moderate slashdot! w00t! i have the power!
(wow, lots of exclamation points.)
thank god that's over.
i phoned ing direct last night to finalize my new account set-up and had a delightful experience with one of their "direct associates", anthony. they will get more of my money just because i fell in love with his voice and his telling me "it was a pleasure" talking to me. yes, i really am that easy. sometimes.
i wonder if they fill their night-shift off-hours moonlighting as phone sex operators.
i just don't care.
some days i think i could happily deal with weevils in my gruel and lice in my bed to live a life ruled by nature's whims and not the arbritrary ticking, or clicking, of clocks. some days, no matter how early i went to bed the night before, it seems a sadistic affair to have to wake up before my body says it's ready just to punch in at work. work. ptooey. claire on six feet under was right. all we do is work to become good consumers. i'm tired of being a good consumer. god, i wish i could find what i love to do and have the luxury of doing it every day. my back is itchy. crap, i'm late.
while typing names of random people from my past into google, i found someone i had been very curious about. well, i found her business website at least, and there's even a photo of me on it for pete's sake. one day i'll get around to dropping her a note to say "hey" but in the meantime it's just really nice to know things seem to be going well for her.
yay zora! yay evan for not stooping to the boob level! yay paul! yay one million dollars! yay for asking if she could kiss him! yay for fairy tales! yay for my being a stupid idiot over some dumb tv show!
last night, i met a man who makes wine from flowers. saturday night, i discovered i love it when dean is in a good mood. friday night, a slightly stinky rummy told me how he'd made a million dollars. thursday night, i put my foot down.
yesterday, i had a nap. saturday, i laughed a lot. friday, i kicked ass. thursday, i stayed up late.
oh, hitting-on-guy finally emailed me. he wants to go for coffee or something. i know it's wrong, but i can't help that he's even less attractive to me now that i have seen he has poor spelling-slash-typing skills. it's not horrible i want a literate man, is it?
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i finished my assignment! i also finished two versions of one of the homework assignments! the third item, i can't seem to get working in any manner, so i decided to forego the effort of futility and let it lie dead, decaying and detested. it's only four marks, anyway.
funny how boring someone can become when they're obsessed with things with a limited scope of interest, innit?
i feel a couple rants bubbling up inside me, but i think i want to get through the rest of this weekend before i commit them to binary. then there's my story about the guy on the bus last night. too bad i'll be totally anti-computer by the time this afternoon is finished.
all right, time to hunt down some root beer and learn about xml schemas. whee.
hey, look! i'm still doing homework! and i'm still working on the first assignment! go me! not.
although, in my defense, i did take a couple hours off to go downtown to see daredevil. i liked it for what it was meant to be: a no-brainer, wire-fu, comic-book action flick. other comments will have to wait until all homework has been completed.
thank god for caffeine.
yeah, yeah. happy manufactured retail holiday to you, too! don't mind me over here swearing like a sailor. xslt can kiss my non-cupified ass. *grumble*
i took my favourite photo ever tonight. i'm so freaking in love with this shot, it's actually kind of disgusting. god, if i stare at it too much longer i think i'll go insane with hubris.
today's my friday, but i'm too stressed to enjoy the fact i don't have to come to work tomorrow.
i'm web-restless. now that i have this great new webhost and more space than i know what to do with, i'm keen on a redesign, or switching to a new content management system, or just adding neat new features (i've already added this one).
there's a huge assignment and two smaller, but just as annoying, homework items due this saturday and i've done none of them. i haven't even started them. hell, i've barely even looked at them. the worst thing is, i don't even care. i've been sitting at home each night this week knitting instead of working on them. i'm really quite disgusted with myself and i'm not sure why i don't feel any compunction to apply myself this term. maybe i should have taken another programming course instead of xml. whatever, i'm just halfway through the course and i have to figure out a way to get my ass in gear and give a shit about what i've paid to learn.
that being said, i'm going out for dinner and then to a union meeting tonight. tomorrow night, i'm going to see daredevil with karen. saturday, after class, we're going out somewhere for the boys's birthdays. and, finally, sunday night i'm going to dinner at my uncle's. somewhere in the time that's left, i have to do these three assignments, clean out my fridge so i'm not embarrassed when i call the landlords to come look at it, get the car washed & fill the tires, do laundry, go grocery shopping, read the 700-page book that's due back at the library by next tuesday, finish watching my six feet under tapes and sleep, shower & eat.
i think i'd rather run away and re-enact the dream i had last night which starred a half-naked mikey in paul's new apartment.
it's becoming painfully obvious to me that menses are nature's punishment for not propagating the species.
*whimper*
stupid nature.
three hours... i can make it, right? right?! *twitch*
welcome to my new(est) web server. sorry for the silence the last few days. i just couldn't bother to write anything i knew i'd lose during the move.
of course, now that i can write, all the things i wanted to yak about have slipped my mind. i guess i could tell you about finally finishing the scarf i started at xmastime. or about going to michael's on my way home from work last night to buy the wool for karen's harry potter scarf i'm knitting for her birthday and being horribly tempted by all the crafty bits i saw there. i knew there was a reason i hadn't dared let myself in that store. i could even tell you about how i sat around the house on sunday crying at the drop of a hat, only to discover yesterday that it was just a new form of pms. or about how i laid in bed for almost an hour this morning trying to talk myself into calling in sick today because i knew that i'd be sitting here without anything to do and suffering with cramps instead of being at home, under the überblankie, knitting a scarf and watching yet more episodes of six feet under.
of course, i should tell you about my new obsession with six feet under. i can't explain to you how much i love that show. cousin brenda made me two tapes with all, i think, of last season's episodes and that's pretty much all i did sunday: sit around, knit and watch sfu. it's wonderful! i wish it wasn't an hbo show so that i didn't have to resort to stealth measures to see it on a regular basis.
okay, that's enough for now. let me know if anything breaks. thanks.
i know what i want to get for my birthday. don't dawdle, you only have 145 days!
if you have a web-capable (ie. can view internet webpages) cell phone and are willing to be my part-time guinea pig, please leave me a comment with your email address.
remember when 24 was the hottest thing on television?
last night, i turned it off halfway through. i don't know why, but this season interests me not at all. really, i mean, come on. do you actually think that this guy's daughter, after all the hell she went through only a year previous, would still be such a stubborn bitch and not listen to him though he obviously knows what the fuck he's talking about? and what's up with her and the mountain lion? also, why are they bringing back all the same people? the story ended at the end of last season. bring back jack working for an entirely different branch of governmental agency with new people. keep us guessing just a little bit about their motivations. oh, wait, just make sure they're not as fucking annoying as all these rich newbies who used to live in arabland. if i were those girls' father, i would have drowned them when they learned to speak. *twitch* oh, don't forget that mason is dying and they're trying to make him loveable and human. *bzzt* too late! he's a prick and all the heartbreaking conversations with his estranged son aren't going to make us like him now that he's melting from the inside out. one more thing, i really, really, really hope someone kills off the presidential ex. that priggish woman makes me want to flay myself.
i feel much better now.
say a guy, a stranger, actually, comes up to you and starts a conversation, and this conversation is peppered with compliments about your eloquence and obvious intelligence, then, as you're about to leave, he asks you for your phone number...
i just got hit on, didn't i?
i received this email from my mom this morning:
As you know walter has not been well and did not poop for several days as well as not eating, but this morning he presented me with a pile of shit in the middle of the bed!
I was so relieved I told him he is a good boy!!
just so you know, walter is the cat.
