it's all okay.
May 2003 Archives
there isn't even a pretty photograph to distract you from my uselessness as a writer today. sorry.
my mind is swamped with concerns i'm not willing to share with anyone, let alone the internet at large. it makes me quiet (and strangely productive at the office). this weekend is either going to be a huge relief or the beginning of a very difficult journey for me. i'm scared shitless of the latter. you can't possibly imagine.
my fortune cookie from lunch reads:
avoid any disagreements with your partner at this time
yeah, too late.
shrimp cocktail. grilled portabello mushrooms with tomato salsa. baked garlic shrimp. sirloin topped with prawns sauteed with peppers, onions & black bean sauce. billy miner pie. old friends. laughter. love.
i'm still full.
i'm feeling much less evil today. although, when i woke up this morning my second thought (the first being "MORE SLEEP!") was "thankfully it's friday". yeah, wishful thinking. just how seriously wrong is it to have all your hopes dashed before six a.m.?
i can't remember if i've mentioned the cute boys from class. actually, there are several cute boys in class, but i've only talked to two of them. steve is older than me, but looks & acts much younger, while shane is just a pup, but i thought he would be the older one. they're both wicked smart, charming and funny. it's not like they're going to turn into lifelong friends, but it's been a realy nice change of pace for me to find someone to bond and socialize with for the duration of the course. i'm usually the person who spends three months in a course without ever having a single conversation with anyone in the room. sad, but true.
was there a point? oh, right, i remember now. anyway, we all lingered out in the parking lot after class last night. the boys were smoking and we were gossiping about our classmate's hissyfit i somehow managed to miss because i was too busy working on the lab assignment. we yakked about pascal, cars, sex. you know, all the things normal people talk about on a balmy tuesday night.
wait, there was no point. sorry.
busy day today. lunch with debbie before she takes off to calgary for the weekend then i'm taking off early to pick the mother unt up at the ferry. she's karen's birthday surprise! we're going out for a steak dinner. yes, i think i will actually partake of the mad cow tonight. yummeh.
there's a swelling of undirected rage boiling up from within me today. i have yet to discover a true cause or an appropriate outlet for it, so i'm simmering uncomfortably, hating everything around me.
i'm annoyed that i was on the phone for too long last night and not even with the one person i actually wanted to talk to on the phone. i'm annoyed that i didn't manage to finish my assignment because i was on the phone for too long last night. i'm annoyed that everyone is talking when all i want is some silence to think. i'm annoyed that there's a fucking giant spider somewhere in the south-west corner of my apartment (at least that's the direction it was headed after i gave it an insufficent shot of raid) and i'm now afraid it's going to attack me or something else ridiculous. i'm annoyed that i have all these obligations this week. i'm annoyed that i'm poor. i'm annoyed that i'm overtired. i'm annoyed that i have to go to school tonight. i'm annoyed with my job. i'm annoyed with my coworkers. i'm annoyed with my hair and my chair and my glasses and my car and my brain and my body and the clouds and this bra.
apricots look like fuzzy, little, orange bums.
nothing even remotely interesting is going on inside my head today. just putting the finishing touches on my assignment while trying not to get caught too red-handed slacking on the work they pay me to do.
it's going to be a busy week, methinks. shopping & homework tonight, school tuesday, lunch with debby & karen's birthday dinner wednesday, sam's birthday lunch & the amazing race premiere thursday and i got a very special invite to a potluck for saturday, which means i need to beg to switch cards to friday night. there goes my chance for a head-start on my next project for class!
for all that my weekend was frustrating and stressful with a looming deadline and roadblocks in my logic and coding, i absolutely love that kind of work. the thrill when a procedure works the way it's supposed to is amazing. i even like the dogged determination i experience when i trying to untangle a snipped of code which isn't doing what i want it to. i lose all track of time and place. i had dinner at ten pm last night because i forgot to stop to eat. imagine that!
okay, really, i promise i won't mention my homework again.
so, does anyone really care who wins the stanley cup this year?
holy shit. wow. yay!
my program works! exactly how it's supposed to! well, i'm not sure about that, but the results are what are required and that's pretty much all i care about at this point. i'm so excited i want to dance around like a fool. of course, it's too late to do that now, so i've just been giggling and clapping my hands a lot. there's still a lot left i need to do before it's done enough to hand in on tuesday, but i'm over the hardest parts, thank gawd.
in other, non-homework-related news, i submitted my nummy sushi picture to lalaland and got accepted. go see me be famous. another thing to be excited about. wow, this is turning out to be a great day.
now it's time to go to bed.
so why don't you kill me?
oh, in case anyone cares, i'm not going to use my msn account ever again. if you want me (and, baby, i know that you do *wink*) use the other methods of messaging me as listed over on the sidebar. gracias!
i figured i needed something pretty to offset the horrible tasks i have yet to do today. happy saturday, peeps.
it's so cool when there's a birthday at the office. we go out for a long lunch and then we have cake! i really think people don't eat enough cake. marie antoinette had the right idea. let them eat cake! every day!
mmm, cake.
i've got lomo on the brain lately. i need a sugar daddy to buy me neat toys, and pay for film processing!
speaking of money, i had a bee in my bonnet about moving out before my rent increase takes effect august first, but the way things are going, and with the trip i need to pay for, and everything else there's no way i can afford more rent. well, i *could* afford it, but then it would take me longer to pay off mr. bank and, well, that's just not something i want to do. i have more of an issue owing money than i do not having a bedroom. at least at this point in time. that will probably shift the closer i get to debt-free, but ugh, money sucks.
unless... anyone listening know of a one-bedroom (preferrably with a balcony, hardwood floors, cat-friendly and a west-facing view) in north vancouver for $600/mo, utilities & parking included? yeah, i didn't think so.
damn you, tanya. here's my faked out version of the newest auditory meme. sorry the volume is so low, i have the world's crappiest microphone.
do you remember in the old bugs bunny cartoons when he'd hold up flash cards with pictograms of "crazy" analogies? like a screw and a baseball for screwball or a pot with a crack in it for crackpot? it took me a long time to get the bat beside the bell tower reference as a kid. i think i must have asked my mom finally because just how often does a five or six year old know what the hell a belfrey is?
a long, lost co-worker just stopped by my desk for a chat and the first thing he said when i turned around to talk to him was "wow, you're looking good!" yay for unexpected compliments! i'm so glad i put mascara on today to go with my new sexy shirt.
1. Large or small family? small. me, mom & dad.
2. Potato chips or pretzels? potato chips. pretzels are too salty.
3. House or apartment? apartment now. house if i ever win the lottery.
4. Zebras or giraffes? giraffes, duh!
5. Candles or potpourri? candles. potpourri is annoying and stupid.
6. Flowers or trees? trees. lilac trees. the best of both worlds.
7. Right or left-handed? right-handed. how dull.
8. Model trains or dolls/stuffed animals? stuffed animals.
9. Comedy or drama? dramatic comedy. life is neither one or the other, why should entertainment be?
10. Thought-provoking question of the week: The city of Boston has recently banned smoking in all restaurants and bars. Would you want to see such a law passed in your city/town/country, or not? it's already been passed here. when i smoked, it annoyed me greatly. now that i don't, it's awesome! except when i go out with my smoking friends and i have to sit on the patio with them so they can pollute themselves.
fo' real
derived from "for real." Meaning yes, that is very true. "Mrs. B. give us so much #$%^ homework!" "Fo'real!"
yes, that is very true.
[thanks fimoculous]
i suddenly feel the need to volunteer somewhere. to do something with a bunch of other people my age and socialize while benefitting society.
i certainly hope it passes.
i spent all night dreaming of my pascal lab assignment. i knew there was a way to solve the problem, i just kind of wish i hadn't had to sacrifice some rem sleep to finally get it. all's well, though. i figured it out and reclaimed my genius status. now i have a week to complete my next major assignment. you know, the one they gave us three weeks to do. the one i haven't even started yet.
you're lucky i'm alive, you know. the suv in front of me stopped suddenly on the highway and my wheels locked up and i came to a very loud, very swervy stop not eight inches from his very large bumper. three things saved me: my having left lots of room between me and that fucker, the gas i'd put in the car adding extra weight and it not being any wetter on the roads. fuck. well, if anything was going to wake me up this morning, nearly dying was surely it.
the ontario road trip is officially off. do you know how much road trips cost? i had originally proposed it as a cost-saving measure over flying, but it would actually cost several hundred dollars more. then there's also the amount of time to take into consideration. so, instead, i'll be flying back east in august.
the glitch is the fact that i'm going to a small, northern ontario town called sioux lookout. it's really nowhere near anything, so the closest i can get to it is either winnipeg or thunder bay, both of which are still a five to six hour drive away. now i have to try to wrangle a bus from either of those airports, but the only bus into dryden (the nearest big-ish town) is once a day and leaves at 10:30am, which means i have to spend a night because there are no flights from here to there that arrive in time to catch that bus. i'm getting really peeved at my family for not living in a major urban centre, dammit.
i've been having lots of deep thoughts about what i want from myself and a partner. the boy is being slightly difficult in a number of ways and it's making me rethink things. the whole situation would be so much different if he lived here, which he's actually talking about doing, but i hate to be the sole reason for his relocating. it just seems like too much pressure. especially if it doesn't work out. i'll be the evil woman who lured him away from his home and family and then didn't turn out to be who he wanted me to be. at least that's how it goes in my mind. we'll see. as far as i know, he's still planning to come here to visit for my birthday and i refuse to rush any of this. if it's going to be real and good, there's no reason to.
this is what i did on my long weekend. well, it wasn't *all* i did. there were also blockbusters watched, shopping done, meals eaten, flowers picked, aunts visited, ferries ridden, computers fixed and pillows stolen.
now i'm sleepy and i don't want to go to school tonight. wah.
still breathing.
i don't think i like this layout anymore.
i was just reaching the conclusion of the first piece of fiction i've been inclined to write here in a very long time when my browser crashed, taking it all with it. i'd try to recreate it but it never works out the same and this was just too emotional to try and piece it back together.
i'm sorry. you really would have liked it.
ooh, my first this-or-that tuesday, two days late:
1. Packrat or minimalist? i'm a minimalist packrat. i'm slowly thinning out my junk. i'd have more, but my apartment is really small.
2. Computer: desktop or laptop? desktop, but i'd love the freedom of a laptop.
3. Seashore or mountains? luckily, i don't have to choose. i have both!
4. Carpeting or bare floors? carpeting is nice and warm, but i think i prefer bare floors.
5. Drinking water: bottled or tap? tap, but only put through a brita filter.
6. Shopping websites: eBay or Amazon? amazon. i still have trust issues with ebay.
7. Cute little kitties or big scary tigers? both! i'd love nothing more than to have a tiger for a pet or bunch of little kitties.
8. Front door or back door? backdoor. way more familiar.
9. Lots of jewelry, or little/none? little/none. nose ring and one silver hoop in my left ear.
10. Thought-provoking question of the week: At the last minute, you obtain tickets to an event you're dying to attend. However, you have to work that day! Do you ask the boss for the time off, or just call in sick? it's not really asking, i'd just tell the boss i'm taking a vacation day.
i just ate way too many girl guide cookies. excuse me while i go hurl. *blarg*
damn you, jodi chromey! now i want the red x-fine version of that pen more than life itself, but i refuse to pay $19usd for shipping. gah. stupid american shipping rip offs. i know for a fact that it doesn't cost that much to put a pen in an envelope and mail it here via usps.
anyhoo... things are quiet hereabouts. had a lovely day saturday, as you all could see. got off to a nice, productive start (i was out of the house before noon! on a saturday! holy shit!), but i think all that glorious sunshine and fresh air wore me out because i spent the rest of my day laying about like a big, jiggly vegetable. my picnic at waterfront park was fun, though. i have a bunch more photos i took during the day i'm sure i'll end up posting at some point. aww, heck. here's one now.
school is going all right so far. every time i think i'm struggling, i'm going to have to remind myself of how much more the rest of the class seem to be having difficulties. it sounds like a lot of them are just not getting it. i'm really glad steve is in my group, though. he's a real sharp cookie, fun and lively. weirdly, cute shane from class tracked me down via icq during the week. that was pretty flattering.
so, i have a bit of a moral quandry. we got our second assignments back last night and i was thrilled to see "98/100" on the top, but when i looked over the marking sheet, i realized that the t.a. had made a mistake in his addition and i should only have gotten 96. what do i do? tell him and lose the marks or shut up and just take the extra two percent? it's tough because i'm a total grade whore and i have that quiz i missed because i skipped class to make up for... i'm leaning towards shutting up and taking the grade. stop looking at me like that.
i'm getting really excited about my road trip to ontario in august. i still have a lot of things to plan out before it happens, but it's going to be so much fun. i'm currently trying to conspire a way that i can "swing through" minneapolis on the way. i'll only be 500 miles away and it seems such a shame to not make some kind of effort to get there, or near there, to visit all the lovely minnesotans it would probably take me at least another year to meet. we'll see how that all works out.
my eyes are amazing today. i noticed this morning in the rear view mirror. they're not just amazing. they're porn star gorgeous! of course, i had to take a picture. sometimes, even i think i'm hot stuff. rad!
um, yeah... go ottawa go. that's all i'm going to say about that.
i should phone midas and get my car in tomorrow, but i'm scared of how much money it's going to cost to fix my noisy muffler and squeaky brakes even with them being "life-time guaranteed". at least i have that rain cheque for the oil change and my tuition refund coming, so i should suck it up and get it done. bleh. stupid car. i need to win the lottery, dammit!
sleep is still being a bitch. i know it's mostly my fault for not going to bed early enough, but even when i do make a concerted effort to get horizontal before 10pm i end up tossing and turning all night long. or maybe it's just the futon. i got spoiled by the boy's super-nice bed, i think. i wish i could justify spending more on rent. i need a roommate! someone not annoying and who is never there and is really clean and doesn't hog the tv or the bathroom. yeah, right. i might as well keep wishing about the lottery winning as hope for a roommate like that.
my fridge has too much food in it. i can't see how i'm going to eat it all before it goes bad. who's coming over for chicken fried rice and a nice cabbage slaw with asian ginger dressing, hm?
amen! [thank you, sugar]
in other news, my heart feels much better now. all i really needed to know was that the missed me, too.
i finally got my grades for my last course. it's official. i'm a freakin' genius! i got 95% which brings my four-course average up to 94% and breaking my streak of ninety-threes. yippee! i'm ultra-chuffed and i want to run around the halls telling everyone how smart i am. *glee*
yeah, so, i changed the site settings to include one extra day of posts on the main page just because i couldn't bear to have my edmonton photos disappear when i posted today. i love those photos. i love them because i'm very proud of their composition. i love them for the memories and feelings they remind me of. i think i'll be having some prints made of them.
speaking of prints, a long, long time ago, shelagh (happy wedding, by the way!) suggested i use some of my flower photos to make greeting cards and sell them. well, don't you know if i thought of using some of my other photos to make theme cards. for example, the turbine photo below would make a whimsical "bon voyage" card, don't you think? we'll see if it happens. even if i only use them for my own card-giving, i think it would be a neat idea. unfortunately, i'm not very entreprenuerial. i need a business partner to take my ideas and market them to people who have money to spend.
this saturday, if i remember, i hope to participate in the may day project. of course, saturdays are my most boring days of all, so i suppose i'll have to go try to do something photo worthy in honour of the occasion.
so very sleepy! another pretty late (for me) night. stayed up putting the finishing touches on my assignment. thankfully, hugo is my new pascal god. if he hadn't helped me with part of the logic yesterday i would still be at home struggling with it. i need to buy him a present. no, i'm not kidding.
the hockey game was pretty disappointing, but i take all the blame for the loss. it's been proven than if i watch the game alone, my team loses. i knew i was taking a risk watching it while doing homework. i'm sorry, vancouver fans, it's all my fault. don't worry though, i'll be watching game six with m&m this wednesday (they don't know that yet, but they really have no choice in the matter).
hearts are tricky things. all that excitement and fluttery, happy, wiggly joy when you're with someone new who makes you want to touch and laugh and share stories and make memories... yeah, i'm on the downslope. long-distance relationships suck big, hairy, donkey dick. there's nothing more i want to do than to be with the boy, but he's over there on the other side of the mountains and it's frustrating me to no end. i'm trying not to let my doomsday intuitions override the evidence of his admiration for me, but it always is easiest to believe the bad things. absence may make the heart grow fonder, but it also makes it second-guess way, way too much. i just need to keep busy. if i don't let myself think on it, i don't feel so crappy about it.
another beautiful day outside. i think, now that the homework is done, i might let myself go for a walk at lunch. take the camera and see if i can find anything interesting to make pictures of. i need more photo-making opportunities. i have about a dozen locations around town i would love to go to and spend the day photographing, but i'm shy when i'm solo. i need photo-making buddies! got a camera? want to explore? let me know!
have i ever mentioned that there are five people at work with the same birthday as me? five! until i started here, the only person i knew with my birthday was tom cruise. considering there are only about five hundred people working here, what are the odds? i think we should have a big ass cake this year. get all of us there to blow out the candles. i better get planning, it's only 57 days away! *plug*
the weekend, while somewhat restful, was a complete waste of time.
i napped twice, i hung out with m&m twice, i watched three episodes of six feet under (season one), i watched hockey, i ate thai food, tacos and a freaking bag of nacho chips (not all together), i washed clothes, did dishes and baked chicken, i cried, i laughed, and i balanced my chequebook.
and today, i'm grumpy.
the boss is away. i have an entire assignment to do in the next 36 hours. it's payroll monday and month-end. i forgot my yogurt at home.
someone needs to nominate me for what not to wear. i could seriously use a $5000 fashion makeover.
i'm feeing very black today. if i was so inclined, this would be a good day to go sit in a bar and drink to unconsciousness. i suppose it's a good thing i'm not a drinker.
i'm procrastinating again. i should be doing my assignment (due tuesday night) but i'm sitting here, reading dirty weblogs, trying not to miss the boy and craving chocolate. i better go put my laundry in the dryer and go shopping or i'll never get anything accomplished. bleh.
by the way, it's dor's birthday. yay dor!
"...Here, dear young lady, I'll take your little hand and kiss it, just as you did to me. You kissed mine three times, and for that I ought to kiss yours three hundred times to be even. And so I shall, and then let it be as God wills; maybe I'll be your complete slave and want to please you in everything like a slave. As God wills, so let it be, with no deals or promises between us. What a hand, what a dear little hand you have, what a hand! My dear young lady, beauty that you are, my impossible beauty!"
i can't hardly believe this time last week i was in another time zone. weirdness, truly.
just got back from lunch at a new chinese place near work. holy crap, it was good. mr. ho's. i ordered the prawns with vegetables and rice. HUGE! i have more than enough for breakfast tomorrow. although, i wish i hadn't eaten all the prawns now. *pats tummy* now i'm stuffed and sleepy. someone cover me while i have a nap under my desk, okay?
debbie and i got lottery tickets with our fortune cookie numbers on them. considering my fortune predicted more money and travel... let's just say i have a really good feeling! gawd knows i need more money to do the travelling i want to do.
okay, lots of crap work to get done before four o'clock. don't forget... go canucks go! woot!
so, um, is the war over now? i don't think i've heard anything on the news and no one seems to be talking about it anymore. anybody know who won?
no matter how much you may be tempted, don't try pizza hut's p'zone. i'll admit it. the commercials sucked me in. the golden brown, cheese-y goodness tempted me. i bought one on the way home yesterday. it has serious potential for greatness, but a) they're too big, and b) i much prefer my toppings on the outside where can all obtain a state of crispy perfection.
just don't do it, kids. you'll thank me. i promise.
it's may today. how the hell did that happen? i really don't know where this year has gone. and i especially don't know where the last month went, which i find vaguely amusing considering how convinced i was that the month of april was going to last forever just to spite me. speaking of, i still haven't gotten my grade for my xml class. i want my grade so i can get my money, dammit.
guess who still hasn't slept! guess who's about to crash! it's not going to be pretty folks. i may have to take someone down with me.
oh, yeah... and i miss the boy.
