July 2003 Archives

You: complicated, difficult brunette. Five and a half storeys tall or better. Irredeemably cosmo. Must enjoy long (tortuous) strolls through extended metaphor. Longstanding New Yorker subscription a definite asset. Apply now. so close, and yet so very far. good luck, jeff.

it is 11:56pm and the current temperature in my apartment, with all the doors & windows open and the fan going full bore is: 28c (82f). i've tried not to whine about the heat and how much i hate it, but really, i'm not sleeping and i feel like crap when it's like this. i'm a complete and utter wreck at work because i'm up all night in my hellacious apartment. it wouldn't be so awful if i could turn nocturnal for the duration of this torture, but i think my boss would have issues if i started working 7pm-4am. i guess we'll see how long i can go without sleep before i turn into mrs. hyde and kill everyone who dares breathe in my presence.

please, sir, may i have some more sleep?

had a great time last night with the step-family. it's funny, i've never really liked my step-mother, but i've always gotten along really well with the rest of her family (excepting her kids, they're just as uncomfortable to me as she was). my cousin works for a large brewery, so our beer with dinner was paid for by her work and she even sent me home with a case of my favourite honey brown. now that's the woman you want to invite to all your parties! of course, i stayed out too late and, between the after dinner coffee and my thirty degree (eighty-six for you yankees) apartment, i didn't get to sleep until sometime after midnight. guess who feels like a the walking dead today? i really hope i get some sleep tonight. maybe i'll try for a nap when i get home. dad takes off for ontario tomorrow, which means i'm the drop-in cat-sitter for just over a week until i follow him eastward. i think, if this heat doesn't let up, i might move into dad's place while he's gone. his apartment is much, much, much cooler than mine. plus, there's free laundry and he has a bathtub i can soak in if it gets too unbearable. now that he's got a computer (albeit a slow and painful one), it might not be too much of a sacrifice. at least i'll be taking my laundry there. gotta save my loonies for the trip!

dammit, no pancakes for dinner. i was getting all excited about them, too. instead, we're going out with the step-family (my dad's wife's brothers et al) for the step-uncle's birthday. mm, maybe i'll have a nice piece of cow. yum.

i am tired. no, i don't think you quite understand. i am very tired. it feels like a fucking truck ran over me all night long. i'm sick of needing the fan on to sleep because although it may cool me down enough to enable me to lose consciousness, i'm acutely aware of the noise it makes and i never get a truly deep sleep. i can only imagine what it will be like in a cabin with four other women and children in northern ontario in the middle of august. ugh, kill me now. the plus side: dad's making me pancakes for dinner.

it's exactly where he left it almost a month ago. for some reason, i can't bring myself to move it from where it sits on the kitchen counter. a stupid, almost-empty bottle of water. a bottle of water he bought and drank from. he touched it. his lips were on it. he held it in his hands. he left it in that spot in my house. i can't remove it. it's been a tough week, emotionally. i'm happy about so many things which are going on, but that just makes it worse. they are the things i would have been telling him a month ago. bubbling over with enthusiasm and my patented ineffective babbling. there are still so many things i wanted to show him, places i wanted to take him. we ran out of time. if he lived here, i would have showed up at his doorstep a dozen times or more by now. the middle of the night, in my pajamas, my hair as restless as my attempts to sleep, falling against him as he opened the door, my arms around his waist, my head pressed to his chest and saying "hold me." but he doesn't live here. that was the problem. i miss the way he touched me. the way his beard felt on my back, his hands rubbing lotion into the blisters on my baby toes, his lips on mine. i miss the way he looked at me with utter appreciation, without a hint of disdain. the only thing he didn't love about me was my belief i am unloveable. how's that for ironic? so, i've been sad this week. i'm feeling the lack of all that i had and could have kept. i miss it all. i miss him.

there were indications this was going to be an unusal day. i drug myself out of bed, showered, shaved my legs (that in itself is an occasion worth mention), slipped into my alternative underwear and pulled on a skirt, tight shirt and shoes with heels. i shadowed by eyes, painted my lashes and misted myself with the delicate fragrance of raspberries. a quick check of supplies later and i was off to start my day. two hours later i discovered i'd gotten my period. why, gaia, do you always bless me with this reminder of my fertile womanhood when i both least expect or want it? not only have you messed up my undergarment experiment (both literally and figuratively) but ruined my nascent plans to give into carnal pleasures with those who covet them with me. why, gaia, why? you could at least send me a memo a day or two in advance! that being said, i just snapped the head off the supervisor from another department who thought she could micro-manage me like she does her own lackeys. "i know," i said, "i've been doing this job for six years." as if i have forgotten today is a bi-weekly deadline! grr. i think i might be a titch cranky.

do you know it's margarita thursday at the cactus club? *hic* well, i do!

my head feels like it's three times its normal size, stuffed with itchy cotton and attached to my neck with three slip stiches so that it never quite says upright, just lolls back and forth and around and around. it's both really neat and really disconcerting. dear gawd, i did not want to get out of bed this morning. i can't wait until the sun sets at 8pm again so i can not feel guilty for going to bed before ten. what? if your alarm went off at five-thirty, you'd want to be in bed by ten, too. i'm getting excited about my trip now. i still have a wedding and bridal shower presents to buy and i should probably buy gifts for the wee second cousins i haven't met yet on either side of my family tree. i need to look for a dress for the wedding and buy some light, summery, hot-weather clothes because i don't think the cousins i'm staying with would appreciate my standard m.o. in hot weather of wandering around naked. oh, yeah. i need some mosquito repellant. the last thing i want as a souvenier is the west nile virus. although, i successfully flew to edmonton and back and didn't get the sars, so maybe i have good anti-viral mojo. regardless, i need to get me some deep woods off or some such. i hope it doesn't stink too bad. boys are fucking annoying and i just want to kill them all. i want to run away to cambodia with angelina jolie and leave all the stinky boys behind to rot. grr. p.s. i left my sexxy pen at home and i feel naked without it.

i've kind of talked myself out in email and instant messages lately. there's a lot going on with people in my life right now. most of it is interesting only to myself and those in the know, though. it doesn't make for very interesting reading. i'm sorry. although, there is something i'm curious about. while sitting on the futon melting from the heat the other night, i landed on a strange show on the cbc called spynet. i couldn't help but wonder if this was some nefarious plan by csis (the canadian version of the cia) to indoctrinate young people into becoming spies. really, it's a brilliant idea and i can see how it could have been used by these agencies for decades. infiltrate the entertainment industry and influence the creation of television shows and movies that basically teach viewers how to kill a man, sneak into a highly secure facility, trace a bad guy, fly a helicopter, fashion a running automobile out of duct tape and belly button lint and then watch the new, partially trained and mostly brain-washed recruits line up for duty! just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

i'm chalk full of heated lethargy and internal conflict. i need an ice cream sandwich and a swimming pool. i feel the need to become nocturnal and spend a lot of time reading. i have three weeks to look really good for my cousin's wedding and i'm not going to make that deadline. thank goodness i'm getting into interesting things at work. god, i've waited so long for this. i'm very excited, but trying not to jump the gun. okay, lunchtime.

i'm a cineplex criminal. after leaving bad boys ii, karen and i snuck into see the league of extraordinary gentlemen. i recommend you do the same, because you'll probably not appreciate paying to see it. for all those following along at home, i look Hot, with a capital h, in my new shirt & jeans. good enough to eat! mrawr.

i love my friends more than i could ever say.

the clouds are doing amazing things in the sky outside my window. i keep getting lost in them when i look away from my work. i love that. update: told you!

i'm decidedly unhappy at the present. i spent a lot of time last night working myself in a bloo mood by recalling what i was doing two weeks ago. remembering the way he touched me and talked to me and loved me. i suppose i'm at that point where i'm wondering if i did the right thing, if i was just scared and didn't realize what i truly felt. that's not what's really going on, though. it's totally okay for me to miss it because it was wonderful and made me feel wonderful (when i wasn't feeling guilty for leading him on). it's the worry that no one else will ever want to touch me and love me which is eating at me now. i thought it before he came and i'm sure i'll think it after the next one leaves. it's just that, right now, i'm consumed with the fear i'll never be so beautiful in someone else's eyes again. that fear and worry is making me think about contacting him and saying "i'm sorry! i was wrong! please come back." the persian violet he bought me is having a rocky start in its new home. i haven't quite figured out how much attention it needs from me to thrive. my african violet delights in neglect, so i've gotten accustomed to ignoring it for weeks then giving it a good, healthy drink and it being pleased as punch with the meager attention it receives. the persian is a different beast all together. it demands much more devotion and affection. it needs me to water it at least twice a week or it starts to pout. i'm not used to this level of botanical dedication. one of us is going to have to adapt to the other's level. i hope it learns something from its african neighbour.

i was going to tell you all about the Best Salad Ever last night, but i'm still having issues with my webhost's server relocation. they're not replying to my emails and i'm really beginning to get pissed off. instead, i'm going to give you the recipe: The Best Salad Ever red leaf lettuce, torn to bite-size radicchio, torn to bite-size radishes, thinly sliced sweet red onion, thinly sliced japanese cucumbers, roughly chopped orange bell pepper, roughly chopped tomato, roughly chopped toss together, and serve with: 1 dollop salsa (i used que pasa mild) 1-2 tbsp roasted pumpkin seeds (i used organic) 1-2 tbsp dressing (i used organic italian with roasted red pepper by simply natural - my new favourite dressing) dusted with shaved parmesano reggiano cheese all i can say is that i was sitting there, all alone, moaning every time i took a bite of this amazing meal. holy crap. i'm so glad i made a big bowl, 'cause i get more today for lunch! yay! in other news, work stuff is getting very exciting and interesting. it won't be an overnight change, but there's a definite possibility that i won't be doing the crap data entry for very much longer. cross your fingers for me, please. this is exactly what i've wanted my position to morph into for the last couple of years. now my boss is initiating the changes which should finally get me there. i'm trying not to look too far forward or get too excited, but i can say it's making getting up at 5:30am a lot easier the last couple of days. i had a really vivid morgan-dream the other night. i was so happy to have him there, to meet his parents and be in his arms. he had hair in my dream, though, which isn't too odd considering the first photo i ever saw of him was with a full head of fur. i woke up feeling rather lonely.

while watching big brother last night, i realized that i could never be a contestant on that show. i think i could get used to sleeping with twelve strangers. i think i could get over having cameras record everything i do, twenty-four hours a day. i think i could even play the mental game in order to acheive a half-million dollar success. what i couldn't deal with, and this would drive me insane, is not being able to write anything for three months. seriously, they're not allowed pens or pencils in that house. there is no writing of any sort. i understand why. the producers want the contestants to have to say everything so that they can record it for your viewing pleasure. that's why you'll see them with messages to friends and family written on their clothing with mascara or mustard. no paper. no pens. no typewriter. no computer. i think i'd go bonkers. it may not look like it to the casual reader, but this outlet helps me put a lot of my life into perspective. i spend time thinking how i'm going to present certain occurances in my life. how to describe the actions or feelings of a moment in my life. it helps me to work through difficult issues or cement the more enjoyable memories in my mind. of course, one could say that i could mentally compose all these things and then just not write them out. well, yeah, i could, but every once in a while i'm unbelieveably clever and if i didn't have the opportunity to jot that down, i'd forget it and be all sad. i'm not that clever all that often. i feel i must record those moments for posterity, just to prove i was once really witty. p.s. there's a link to my rss 1.0 feed over to the left under "things". all the really cool kids have rss feeds, you know.

crabby girl! my site is all fucked up depending on how up to date your isp's dns records are. i can't tell if mine are lagging behind or everyone else's are. i'm getting pissed off and i'm just about to start sending nasty ims to my web host proprietors. grr. i'm wearing a skirt today because i was too lazy to do laundry last night. instead, i made a pot of killer spaghetti sauce. if you want some, come on over tonight, but you have to bring spaghetti because i cooked the last of the pasta to make my lunch. bring some salad, too. and maybe some garlic bread. i have wine and parmesan cheese. we can have a feast! my sleep was much improved last night. i only woke up twice during the night and my dreams, while still extremely vibrant and involving, weren't enough to disturb what rest i could gather. i think i've solved one of the problems to my sleeplessness by using my last breathe right strip. i guess i'll stop at the store and buy some more. it really is amazing how much better one can rest when they can breathe properly. i wish they didn't look so goofy or i'd wear one all the time.

i don't know where to begin. spending the weekend with mom was fun. as previously mentioned, i spent a lot of money buying swanky new sheets, some fun, on-sale clothes and flip-flops, none of which i really need, but there's just something about the island that makes me go shopping. crazy island! we ate the hazelnut mousse cake she "baked" me for my birthday, went to see charlie's angels: full throttle, had an international I-food night with indian, italian and israeli items on the menu. we even stopped in at the casino where, in 20 minutes, i doubled my money. woot! i finished harry potter and the order of the phoenix on the ferry home. want me to tell you who dies? *giggle* don't worry, i'm not that mean. of course, now i have to wait an indeterminate number of years until the next book comes out. grr. remind me never to start an unfinished series again. i've booked my flight and reserved my (very first!) rental car for my 8 days in northern ontario. less than a month to go! i still have to find a dress for the wedding and figure out if they're getting cash or a real present from the western cousin they see once every seven years. aahh! stress! morgan has decided that he never wants me to talk to him ever again. i'm sure you've all deduced that something went screwy with the visit from the boy. posts appeared then disappeared or were quickly edited. he asked me (and i use that phrase lightly) to not write about him or post my photos which had him in them or he would never talk to me again. i capitulated in the hopes of salvaging a lasting friendship with him. that may have been the wrong thing to do. i hate that i censored myself and my feelings for him. now that he's decided he no longer wants any contact from me, i feel free to write as i see fit, without regard for other's tender underbellies. that being said, i really don't have anything to say on the matter. he had much stronger feelings for me than i had for him. i didn't want him to alter his entire life on the chance that i would maybe come around. the responsibility was too awesome for me to bear. i thoroughly enjoy him in many ways, but i just didn't feel enough to give him the committment he was seeking. he didn't like that. he didn't deal well with that admission. he still isn't, obviously. i had hoped that we would stay close friends. we have much fun and there is a lot of comfort when we're together. he's a wonderful man and he's taught me many things i'll always treasure, but i suspected this decision of his would come eventually. i'm not surprised, nor am i very upset. i wish him speedy healing and much luck and love in his life.

i'm home from visiting my mom, eating birthday cake & shopping, but i can't see my blog. which is really odd because i can see almost everything else at fubsy.net. if you can see this, please email me. the link is over to the left under "contact". thanks. update: okay, i think i've figured out what the problem is. i've fixed this page, but none of my php-enabled pages are currently working. that means no photo galleries or archives for the time being. i'll let you know when it's working after i kick some web host butt.

and suddenly, it's unbearably hot again. i shouldn't complain, but i'm so good at it! it's not really so bad, though. i think i've finally gotten my summer acclimation down. as long as i don't wear any clothes or move from my futon-sprawl, i'm perfectly fine when my apartment is 30°c (86°f). i do miss the sleeping, though. i'm going out for yet another birthday lunch today. i wonder if i'll be able to make this birthday stretch any longer. wouldn't it be neat if i could make it last until my next belly button day? nothing exciting is going on in my life. i plan on being very boring until september. it's been really nice enjoying all my free time. i didn't realize how much i'd gotten used to always having a portion of my brain focussed on schoolwork. i've almost finished order of the phoenix and have plans to finally finish the fiery cross after that. the big plan is to read like a fiend all summer. ahh, reading, i have missed thee. now i'm just getting goofy. happy friday, everyone. *mwah*

1. Strawberries or blueberries? blooberries! strawberries are good in stuff, but blooberries are better on their own. 2. "Legally Blonde 2" or "Terminator 3"? legally blonde 2. arnie just doesn't do it for me anymore. 3. Hamburgers or hot dogs? boca burgers, although i've just recently started eating veggie dogs again. 4. Boating or hiking? boating, if i had the opportunity. 5. Suntan lotion or sunblock? neither. i don't really get out in the sun enough to bother. 6. "Big Brother" or "The Amazing Race"? i prefer the amazing race, but i watch them both. 7. Beach Boys or Jimmy Buffett? beach boys. i know not this buffett you speak of. 8. Grow your own produce or buy from supermarket/greengrocer/farm stand? if i had a greenhouse such as we used to have in our backyard, i'd be all over growing my own. now, i buy either from the big grocery store or the farm market near work. 9. Drive with car windows/top down, or with air-conditioning on? windows down, but only because i don't have a/c. 10. Go away for vacation, or stay at home? a little bit of both. i like to go away for a while and then come home and recouperate for an equal amount of time. [this-or-that]

[ brought to you by kemie ]

hey, look... it's another exciting entry about how tired i am! yippee! bleh. bad news: i poked around the westjet site this morning and discovered they've jacked the ticket prices to thunder bay by almost $150 since the last time i was planning my trip. good news: greyhound does have buses to dryden leaving winnipeg which time almost perfectly to flights into/outfrom there so i wouldn't have to deal with staying overnight if i travel that way. fuck this chit-chat. i need more coffee.

yesterday turned out to be a pretty fine day. all the attention from my co-workers who missed me last week, a birthday lunch out, cake in the afternoon, a birthday card in my mailbox when i got home and then beer, pool and a lot of anti-subtle innuendo with shane. actually, the evening with shane very nearly ended before it started. i'm sure i've mentioned it before, but i'm pretty much always early. unless we're talking oversleeping issues on work days (such as today, actually) or uncontrollable traffic incidents, it is pretty much assured i will be early to any appointment or engagement. so, of course, i got to the pub about ten minutes early and grabbed a table and a drink out on the patio, thinking i'd not have very long to wait before i could stop feeling uncomfortable sitting in a bar alone. but, in typical boy fashion, he was late. so i sat there, listening to almost-drunk guy try to talk the general manager into hiring his buddies and him to play on saturday nights, watching this half-naked girl and her scruffy boyfriend eat extra-crispy chicken wings (sauce on the side) and wrote imaginary lists with my sexxy new pen, all in hopes of not looking like a loser for sitting in a pub alone with a red beer. eventually, and with ten minutes left in my "thirty minute maximum waiting period", shane showed up looking all rock-star in his shades. god, how annoying is it trying to have a conversation when someone is wearing sunglasses? you have no idea where their eyes are behind that tinted glass! of course, i'm notorious for doing that. at least my new sunglasses are light enough that you can see my eyes pretty clearly through them. oops, i digressed. yeah, i have a maximum waiting period. if i'm scheduled to meet with you and you are more than thirty minutes late, i will leave, regardless of any other consideration. i've made an effort to be on time and i expect the same respect from you. i don't think it is too much to ask that someone be on time for a pre-arranged meeting. yeah, sometimes things get get fubared, hence the 30-minute window. after that? it's probably not circumstance, more likely ill manners. i almost forgot, but luckily lots of other people are talking about their particpation in 26 things this month. so, who wants to go work on their lists with me on sunday?

have you ever noticed just how sickening flourescent lights are? i've spent so much time outside and away from them this last week it was almost painful coming back into the office this morning. i really need to marry rich so i don't have to work for a living anymore. the photos were my shorthand way of telling you about my wonderful vacation week. i saw a lot of the north shore and a little of vancouver proper. i ate several wonderful breakfasts out, cheered when vancouver got the 2010 olympic winter games, picked shells from the beach, ate berries from a bush, played darts, taunted wildlife, watched many movies, slept little and kissed lots. it was a very lovely four days. my birthday was ultra low-key and i'm a little disappointed i didn't let people make a bigger deal out of it. i got one birthday card in the mail (and one e-card from kaydee - thank you!) and zero cake. luckily, i get one more birthday lunch and i'm guaranteed cake today and this weekend when i go to the island to see mom. dad shocked me last night by giving me enough birthday money to pay for my flight back east. i'm amazingly grateful as i didn't really know how i was going to be able to afford it once i found out he didn't have enough airmiles for both our tickets. tonight, i'm going to play pool with shane and i expect there to be beer and laughing. i need to keep myself a little distracted for the next while. i'm feeling somewhat sad and guilty for how last week ended. it's all very dramatic and emotional and private. don't ask, i probably won't tell.

it's my 31st birthday today.