September 2003 Archives

stress. i'm stressed out. i can't figure out my homework. i'm freaking out that i won't get it done. i know for a fact that i screwed up something in last week's assignment and i don't think i'm going to do very well at all in this course. it's only the fourth week and i'm already way behind. i've got to smarten up and get back on track. i need to not think on thursday "oh, i have a week until class. i can take tonight off." no more nights off, dammit! i've got to do the reading and the labs and get a head start on the assignments. argh! *pant* oh say, can you c? will you please help me? i'll even pay you a fee! yup, we're back to the homework entries, folks. ah, i can't wait to see the visits plummet.

i can't remember the last time i took any pictures. well, that's not exactly true. i took some pictures of the curly kiwi vines at the hare krishna restaurant when we went there for lunch last thursday, but i still haven't even downloaded them off the camera yet. i don't think they're going to be all that good, so why rush? i need to go outside before it's too yucky to go outside anymore. of course, that brings me to my latest issue: bugs. there seems to be some sort of flying-beetle-like infestation going on in my neighbourhood. or maybe it's just my backyard, i don't know. but they're trying their damnedest to move into my apartment if i leave the windows open for any length of time. as i've explained to people, i don't kill bugs out in the wild. that's their turf; but, if they come into my home uninvited, then their lives are forfeit. another beetle-like-beast paid the price for breaking into my demesne last night. so i spent the rest of the night all twitchy that it'd brought friends along to squat which meant that i had all the windows closed overnight and that just kept in the heat of the day. there's nothing like trying to sleep in a 25+ degree apartment. especially in late september. i'm not really grumpy, i'm just overtired and stressed out about my homework. and i'm still traumatized by all the computer crap i've been futzing with all week. oh, right, update. i did a fresh xp install on a re-formatted partition. that's helped a lot, but i have taken a pretty serious performance hit with the upgrade. everything is so *slow*. i'm sure i'll get used to it, but i can sure tell you i'll really appreciate the hardware upgrade when it happens! i don't quite know what to do about the boy. actually, he saved my butt this weekend by bringing me a soundcard to replace the one which didn't work in xp. he's nice enough and cute enough, but all we ever talk about are computers and sex. it's not very well-rounded at all. not that it's got to be, but if he's going to be phoning me as often as he does, i'd like to talk about other stuff once in a while. you know?

mojito. mojito. mojito. computer stuff. computer stuff. computer stuff. laundry. laundry. laundry. procrastination. procrastination. procrastination. guilt. guilt. guilt.

again with the hating computers. ugh. i got rid of the virus, but now it runs like a slug and nothing works properly. i hate xp. gah. i'm going to have to wipe the drive and do a fresh install this weekend. oh goody, i really wanted to reinstall 57 different pieces of software. really. i mean it. let's not forget to mention the $160 i spent on visual studio .net yesterday so i can do the homework i can't do because the computer isn't stable. hm. yes, i did mean it that way. ARGH! yes, i know this is what you get when you play with computers. i suppose i got spoiled by three years of relative stability and non-problems. i've forgotten how to fiddle. then again, i didn't have homework stressing me out to get it unfiddled asap. deep calming breaths. in through my nose, out through my mouth. om. om. i'm leaving work early today. i may be so lucky as to meet the mighty jimbo. i'm going to finally take the garbage out. i'm going to collect my art gallery lottery prize. i'm going to sleep in. i'm going to catch up on episodes of angel. i'm going to fix that fucking computer. i'm going to design my programming homework. i'm going to make cds. i'm going to find a soundcard that works. i'm going to make turkey chili. i'm going to play cards. i'm going to drink beer. i'm going to figure out why boys are so crazy. i'm going to eat my veggies. i'm going to take some pictures. i'm going to have a good weekend.

1. the smell of kraft dinner makes me want to vomit.
2. the more you want me to agree with you, the less likely i am to do so.
3. i will not eat egg yolks.
4. i absolutely love egg whites.
5. i habitually chew the inside of my cheeks.
6. sarcasm is my best friend.
7. given a decision to make i will either make it immediately or torture myself for days/weeks/months before finally giving in and choosing the same option i would have chosen immediately.
8. after making a decision, i always assume it was the wrong one.
9. after i sneeze, i smell honey.
10. i do not understand how rappers/hip-hop guys can be considered attractive with their head-rags, overhuge pants and ugly teeth.

[lovingly stolen from kevin]

managed to finish last week's reading for class and my assignment before falling asleep at quarter to nine. woke from my solid nine hours of sleep to vanquish three huge creepy crawlies within my first three minutes of consciousness. that was not fun. not fun at all. wearing my slippery, silky shirt and a little extra mascara. i feel like a real girl. drove into the sunrise and smiled at the day. long day with lots of catching up and stupid training i don't really want, but cannot avoid. i did win the lottery, but not the sixty gees i was hoping for. more details when i have time. maybe.

1. i took my nose ring out two weeks ago and only three people have noticed. i'm not sure why this disappoints me so much. 2. i've totally forgotten what number two was which is too bad because it was going to be really good.

computers suck. okay, no they don't. computers are pretty cool. but upgrading and problems and viruses and no net connection and not being able to do your programming homework sucks. in other news, there is no other news. i'm feeling considerably less anxious than yesterday, although i'm definitely more sleepy. i still haven't accomplished anything other than becoming intimately acquainted with the telus tech support hold music. it's not even music, really. it's one, three-minute loop of something you wouldn't even put in a 7-11 to keep out the riff-raff. after an hour on hold, i think i could transcribe it in my sleep. i've also discovered i'm a push-over, in more than one sense. i'm still trying to decide if i like that about myself or not. my tummy has been upset for almost a week. i think i have an ulcer. thank god for fruity tums.

have you ever felt like your world is about to fall apart? have you ever felt the pressure inside your chest and a buzzing in your ears which comes with heightened awareness of impending disaster? i don't know yet if it is internal or external, but i feel as if things are going to go very wrong, very soon. i'm trying to take deep breaths, but my chest is tight and when even i merely contemplate relaxing, i get more tense. my weekend was not wholly unpleasant. i had new experiences and repeats of old. i spent time with almost all of my most favourite of locals and partook of much laughter and conversation. yet, i still feel anxious and unrested this day. what will it take to cure this sensation? sometimes, as i sit in front of the computer and i stop to think of what to type next my eyes lose focus and my hands resting on the keys become distorted, midget claws upon a chin-high mosaic table in my blurry view. i enjoy this experience and often seek to replicate it at will. it reminds me of how tenuous our grip on reality is. how quickly perception can shift and everything becomes something different, something new, something scary. i need to breathe. i need to relax. i need to stop worrying about the things that don't really have any importance in a universal context. i'm not upset, i'm unbalanced. i need to get grounded. everything will get done. my very long list of tasks will be accomplished. berating myself for my previous procrastination will serve no purpose. i will start fresh from this moment.

arrr! ye scurvy bilge rats, what do ye be thinking by not clicking on that there boobies link, aye? come now, cough up some of yer galleons for the good of the fine and delectable boobies or i'll make ye walk the plank! ye did know it be talk like a pirate day, aye?

forget everything i said yesterday. there's no new computer in my immediate future. i got home from class last night and took a good, strong look at the books and realized there was no way i could spend that amount of money on something non-essential when there's the possibility i might be on strike in the coming months. therefore, all thoughts of upgrades are suspended until such time as my union has a ratified contract. there are no words to describe how upset this makes me. i didn't realizehow much i had my heart set on it. don't worry, i'll get over it pretty quick. i hope. feel free to send donations, though! otherwise, i'm in a goodly amount of bodily pain today. it feels like i have whiplash, even though there's no cause for it that i know of. my entire upper back and neck feels like it's shattered automotive glass that's about to collapse. i've already taken two huge bufferins, but it's done very little to ease the discomfort. add to this condition a severe catching up of sleepiness, and i'm in a pretty shitty state for a thursday. thank goodness for coffee and jeremy or i might just kill someone. also, i find it interesting that once vancouver got a day or two of showers suddenly there's no more news about the fires in the interior. are they still burning? are people still evacuated? kind of like the iraq war, one day i realized they just weren't talking about it anymore. i wonder if i can phone up the tv station and ask for an update.

my current obsession is with selecting the pieces for my new computer. i've driven jeremy almost totally insane with my hemming and hawing and general indecision. unfortunately for him, that's how i make major purchase decisions. i drive myself crazy comparing and researching until one i day i can't take it any more and just go out and buy something. not that any of you (other than a select geeky few) care, these are the specs for my new system: - nci 18" atx 350w case with front usb ports - soltek 75frn2-l nforce2 socket a dual ddr agp 8x motherboard - amd xp 2500+ 333fsb barton cpu - 512mb ddr 333 pc-2700 infineon ram - msi 884 gf4 ti4200-vtd 8x 128mb video card - panasonic 1.44 floppy drive - maxtor 80gb 7200 rpm ata 133 hard drive i'm giddy and frightened. i don't really need it and can't really afford it, but i really, really want it, so i'm going to get it. just for curiosity's sake why does it always cost me $800 to upgrade?

first it was same-sex marriages, then it was possession of marijuana and now it's internet file-sharing. if i hadn't already thought this was the best country in the world, i certainly would now.

the noise was incredible, it sounded like a bomb going off. i jerked awake from a dead sleep and waited for sirens or screams while i shivered from the shock of what i'd heard. as the moments ticked past, i began to wonder if it was a dream, if i had only imagined it. i got up and walked to the window. opening a gap in the blinds with my fingers, i peered out into the night. no smoke. no fire. no sirens. no neighbours turning their lights on to investigate. "i'm going nuts," i thought. then the sky lit up and ripped apart again. yes, gentle readers. that is how i discovered there was a storm last night. dramatic, yes? ah, yes. it is all about the drama. in other news, i have two very large shoutouts to the minnesotans who love boobies: jodi & jeremy. thank you both very much for sponsoring my participation in this year's run for the cure. c'mon people! you can't let minnesota win! cough up the cash! it's for the boobies! you like boobies, don't you? have i mentioned the waste of time once upon a time in mexico was? if it hadn't been for johnny depp, i would have walked out. as it was, i very nearly fell asleep three-quarters of the way through. of course, it was almost midnight by that time, but still it was a fairly disappointing experience. the best part of friday evening was the boatloads of thai food karen & i ate and the new cordless phone i bought while we terrorized london drugs while waiting for the movie to start. the rest of the weekend was fairly dull. miscommunication, or rather the lack of communication, on saturday forstalled card night with m&m, which left me to my own boring devices. of course, i'd had such a crappy start to that day what with a "dear god please make the light stop and the world quiet or else i'm going to puke my guts out" migraine that a quiet evening wasn't unpleasant at all. thank goodness for csi reruns. sunday was domestic day. laundry, closet cleaning, dish washing, tidying, etc were capped off with a visit from shane. that boy is... interesting. he's quite the bundle of contradictions. who knew six months ago when i first saw him in that pascal class we'd be hanging out and smooching? definitely not i! this marks the first time i've ever gotten any real play from a general run of the mill crush. to all the crush-ed out there i must declare... don't give up hope! it can happen to you! all right, i'm absolutely manic with the typing this morning. time to drink more coffee and put these fingers of fire to more mundane, work-related tasks. happy tuesdays to you all!

briana writes about women and their obsession with fashion and cosmetics. i find it interesting she should bring this up now. having just bought the first lipstick i've ever owned that i can wear every day, and not just on occassions, i'm starting to reconsider it's worth. i've never been a big make-up wearer, a little neutral eyeliner and mascara if i'm feeling really cute. foundation and lipstick were only brought out for big-time productions such as xmas parties or somesuch. i appreciate the art of using makeup to enhance, but i've always rallied against it being necessary to my being accepted as an attractive woman (and god knows i've had enough issues trying to accept myself as one). the same has almost always gone for my wardrobe. function and comfort above all else, is my motto. that's not to say that i haven't suffered to attempt to impress. i think all women do (and a lot of men, as well) at some point, but there are some who have just gotten so entrenched in the pinching shoes and binding clothes and clumpy makeup that they honestly don't think they can leave the house without their acoutrements. it's like a mask they put on to help them face the world. that's not to say it's an inherently bad thing, everyone has different faces they put on to deal with different situations. i think the difference is we're talking about an actual external armour these people put on every morning to enable them to function in the world. i can't help but think that it insulates them from both the negatives and the positives out there. i don't wear makeup to feel protected from the world. i wear it when i want to be noticed. it's my way of saying "hey! i like the way i feel about myself today and i want you to see that!" the majority of the time, i can't be bothered. i don't feel 100% at ease when i have all sorts of cosmetics on my face. i may be seeking a little more attention, but that doesn't necessarily mean i feel comfortable doing so.

i wouldn't normally ask this, but it is for a good cause! even $5 would be really appreciated! Heather is participating in the Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation CIBC Run for the Cure, on Sunday, October 5, 2003. Please support their fundraising efforts by making an online donation. Payments can be made using VISA, MasterCard, American Express, and Email Money Transfer. It's quick, easy and secure! Within 30 minutes after your payment has been successfully received, an electronic tax receipt will automatically be sent to your e-mail inbox for any donation over $20. Donate now. Be a part of the largest Canadian event dedicated to creating a future without breast cancer. By donating, you are helping us meet our goal of raising over $16 million for breast cancer research, programs and services. There's always room for one more! Join us for the 1km or 5km walk or run in your community. For a complete listing of Run Sites, route maps, and information on volunteering, visit www.cbcf.org. For the thousands of men, women and children affected each year, we appreciate your support. Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation

i had forgotten what it was like to be kept up late by a boy many nights in a row. i had almost forgotten what it was like to be so glad the weekend was here just so i could avoid another 6 am alarm dragging me awake. it's been a generally busy week with lots of late nights and extra-curricular activities keeping me from home and rest. all i've been doing there is sleeping and showering, it seems. that's all right. saturday is officially "sloth day". me, three video tapes of recorded television, and the comfy pants are going to spend some quality time together... until i go out again. *yawn* i spent more time on the phone yesterday than i have in the last month. that's what it seemed like, at least. my work phone was ringing off the hook. my cell phone was ringing. i came home to multiple messages on my voicemail. everyone wanted a nice big piece of me. then again, who can blame them, right?

busy at work. blah. class was good. blah blah blah. lots of cute boys. blah. bad hair day. blah blah! poor shane. blah. thali for lunch. blah blah. chinese for dinner. blah. union meeting tonight. blah blah blah. sleepy. blah.

wasn't i just talking about this? i still say that basic photoshop manipulation of digital images is no different than what is done in photomats and dark rooms by film photographers already. *plink*

"here comes the rain again," they sang. "falling on my head like a new emotion." it's not so much a new emotion, rather a long-familiar one: the rollercoaster ride of human interraction. the tingling thrill which comes with discovering the spot on his body that makes him moan. the shivering sigh when he finds the place which works that way for you. the confusion and duality i've felt has been giving way to desire and curiosity, but that's really none of your business, is it? taking advice from another boy, i'm trying to write with purpose and intent. you're failing. where have all my readers gone? hello! come back! fuck that. i don't care. oh, yes you do. i may be just as cute, intelligent and talented as the ones who get the hits, but i've given up on the pandering. if they want me, they know where to find me. you hope. tonight, i surrender myself to the halls of academia once again. there's a new binder filled with pristine looseleaf, a transparent mini-stapler, neon post-it tabs and the sexxy pen in my bag awaiting the beginning of year two of my progression towards certification. i'm eager to be in a classroom again. my bright eyes latched upon the teacher as they bestow upon me their knowlege. they will watch me while they talk because i am so very attentive. i will be their anchor in a sea of perplexed faces. i will ask intelligent questions and answer with equal aplomb. indeed, i shall excel for i am driven and, above all, a grade whore.

don't tell jodi, but i'm learning to love the pants off of photoshop. besides making pictures all soft and warm (thanks to another heather's glow technique), its auto corrections make almost all of my photos look so much better, cleaner and brighter. that's the other thing, i'm learning that it's perfectly okay for me to use photoshop to improve my pictures. i used to think that they had to be perfect straight from the camera. then i realized that there is colour correction at the development level of film processing and why should i be expected to be a perfect photographer when i don't even have 100% manual control over my camera? it was entirely too much pressure to put on myself, especially considering i haven't a hope in hell of becoming a professional picture-maker. i'm just an amateur. i needed to cut myself some slack. ever since i did, i've been much happier with the photos i've taken and subsequently posted here to share.

remember when i was talking about all that happiness i was feeling? some of it has slipped away. rather, i've lost some of my perspective while trying to figure out if i'm doing the right thing when it comes to boys. i've been feeling like i'm always doing things backwards when it comes to men. having internet relationships hasn't helped that at all, i'm sure. there's this fictional script i believe i should be following when it comes to relationships. it goes something like: girl meets boy at some social function or at a trendy coffee shop/bookstore. boy asks for girl's number. boy phones girl and asks her out. girl and boy go out. on second date, boy kisses girl. after a certain period of time, boy and girl have delightful, romantic sex. option a: sleepovers commence. boy and girl are officially a couple. parents are met. happily ever after. option b: boy thinks girl is horrid in sack and never calls her again. option c: girl thinks boy is horrid in sack and avoids his calls. see, where i think i keep going wrong is not minding the certain period of time before the delightful, romantic sex rule. i'm suffering the whole "why buy the cow" dilemma. it's a horrible contradiction. we're told that good girls don't sleep around, but that also seems to mean that good girls also don't sleep with a boy they think is hot without some sort of committment. why can't we? if the boy is cute and interested, why is it so wrong to get naked with him? i suppose i'm just afeared that the boy will think it's just the sex when there's a hope for more. i don't want it to always be just the sex. i want there to be the love and the romance and the committment, complete with the trust, the respect and the quiet affection, too. dammit, i guess i do want it all.

it's been crazy thundering here for the last twenty or thirty minutes. it's always a treat to get that much noise from the sky as vancouver isn't known for thunderstorms like other places. we get the rain (normally, but not this summer), but rarely the electricity to go with it. i think the clouds have tuckered themselves out for now, though. drat, i was just getting used to it. i should be putting together my vacation photos together to get online like i promised everyone back east, but every time i look at those 283 files i get intimidated and suddenly find something else to do. ugh. i better get it done before school starts or i won't until november. have i mentioned lately how much i love my friends? how awesome it is to have such special people caring about me? i know it's hokey, but i am really honoured and thankful for them. i've been trying to make a point of making sure they know that, too. everyone deserves to know they are loved and appreciated.

well, after spending most of the day messing my site up, i think i have it all back in place now. i'm still befuddled as to why my nifty drop-shadows are all screwy in internet explorer, but i shouldn't be surprised that things are screwy in ie by now. i've also acquired much more respect for mismatched divs. the absolute best part of my day came when i arrived home to a package in my mailbox. anytime i open that little door to find a puffy envelope, i know my spirits are going to be lifted. this time, it was all thanks to my friend i, jack (real name withheld because he might have some reason for the pseudonym other than being clever). i mean, really, how perfect is this for me? jewellry made from the pressed & dyed stems of scottish heather. it's actually kind of fascinating and very unique. i bet i'm the only person you know who has heathergem jewellry! i actually started to cry when i opened it and read the little note included. i feel very honoured to have such a thoughtful and generous friend in him. blessings abound! so, you're all clamouring as to what my little surprise was, huh? i wish i could report i'd won the lottery or been "discovered" and i'm on my way to fame and fortune. nope. none of the above. i'm still a wage slave and part-time student. but a wage slave and part-time student who did some kissing with a cute boy. as reported, it was pretty unexpected. when he came over, the last thing i thought would happen would be lip-locking. i guess that's why it was so neat. one second we're talking about hard drives, the next his hand are on my hips and we're smooching. ahh, smooching. am i too old to get all giddy-stupid when a boy kisses me? i certainly hope not!

i broke it. i'll fix it later. this is turning into a gross, yucky, badbad day.

the most unexpected thing happened last night. i'm still in a little bit of shock. pleasant shock, mind you, but shock nonetheless. i'm a tad giddy stilll. too bad i'm trying to be all blasé about it. good thing i had that nap when i got home.

somehow, i managed to burn my tongue and bite the inside of my cheek, both fairly badly, at lunch. also, i've had a headache all day and its only getting worse. to top all of that off, i ate way too much yummy prawn & veggie rice bowl at the pub and i'm still suffering from a too-full lunch-tummy. i really can't wait to go home and have a nap.

happy september! happy back to school! happy increased traffic! happy end of tourist season! happy tuesday morning after three days off! no, calm down, you don't have to get the restraints. i've not lost it quite yet. it's probably just the new shoes i'm wearing today which are making some small part of me all giddy inside. unfortunately, the rest of me wishes it were back in bed instead of at work. my long weekend was lovely, in its own quiet way. mom & i shopped a bit (i tried to spoil her rotten since i won't be there for her birthday), dropped a wad at the casino, became addicted to computer boggle and watched movies (levity & laurel canyon). it was restful and nice. walter even came out and rubbed against my leg as i was at the computer. he hasn't done that since i moved away. i've discovered the joy of text messaging with my cell phone. i totally annoyed jeremy while i was on the ferry home and bombarded shane in the evening when his computer went kaput. i even taught mom how to send email to my phone! it's surprising how fast one can learn to type on a telephone keypad when one really wants to. this week will be busy-busy at work, i can tell. i also want to try to hook up with shane before he gets overwhelmed with school or i may not see him again until summer! other than that, i need to start putting my site back together. the web host finally replied to my pleas for information and confirmed my suspicion that the data i'd lost is gone for good. bleh. luckily, i'd found a backup which means i'm only missing one week of blog entries & comments, so i've just got to recreate images and tweak my site design back to its former glory. i've been doing a lot of thinking about happiness lately. i feel a discussion coming on, but not quite yet. as soon as i have it a little more fleshed out in my head, i would love to share it with you all. what i will tell you is that i'm feeling it quite a bit more now and i'm enjoying it immensely.