November 2003 Archives

there's something to be said for familiar ground, i suppose. this year has been an education for me with respect to the male species: there was the boy who loved me, whom i cared for but couldn't commit happily-ever-after to. then there was the boy who just wanted to get naked with me, whom i thought i had a crush on but it turned out i just thought he was cute. then there was the boy-from-the-past who came back into my life and reignited a spark of holy-shit-i-think-i'm-very-nearly-in-love, who, it turns out, ain't at all interested in me in that way. at least i'm back to the place from which i know myself best. single, with no prospects, a lingering heartache from recent bruising and a self-preserving desire never to want to be with another boy ever again. yes, i know it's melodramatic, but hey, i'm a thirty-one year old woman who's never really had a successful, healthy, long-term relationship with a stable boy. at some point, you've just got to give up trying or you risk the madness. despite all that, i'm really not as hopeless as that all sounds, i'm just a wee bit spontaneously weepy today, and i could blame that on the hormones if i really wanted to. besides, who could feel bad when they look as good as i do today?

i'm going to jump to the conclusion that today is going to be a very quiet day on the internet thanks to all you south-of-the-forty-niners getting four days off to eat, shop and watch football, lucky bastards. i used to get all annoyed that americans got four days off for thanksgiving while we, up here in canadia, only got three, then i realized that they only get one day off for xmas while we, in our lovely british wannabeism, get two thanks to the strange holiday known as the day of the boxes. suddenly, i didn't mind the four days of botched television programming and not talking to my absent american friends (because, really, who can understand someone with a turkey leg sticking out of their maw?). they didn't know the joy of boxing day sales and getting to stay home for a whole TWO days in the middle of the cold and dark season. those poor bastards. while the sweet potatoes are topped with marshmallows (diabetic special!) and the green beans sprinkled with fried onions (yay coronary!), i'm happily enjoying the knowledge that i don't have to look at a single piece of C for an entire seven weeks. yes, kids, my final exam has been written. i've received a pardon, albeit temporary, from the trauma which was C. although, if i did as badly as i predicted, i may be right back in the same class next term. i left twelve marks unanswered, so the absolute best i can hope for is 88%, but that's like counting on running into your soulmate while sitting on the couch, eating captain crunch from the box, wearing your bunny pajamas and scratching your ass. it just ain't gonna happen. i've crunched the numbers and the absolute best grade i can get is 83% the worst i can get, while still passing the course is 56%. i suppose i'll be happy with whatever i get in between them.

if you use moveable type, you should be aware of a serious flaw in the mt-send-entry.cgi script which spammers can use to send spam through your mail server. there aren't any real fixes for it in the forums as yet, but you can protect yourself by changing the name or moving the file. otherwise, today is my sixth anniversary with my company. it's really hard for me to believe that i've been coming here and sitting in this chair, looking out this window and talking to these same people for six years already. then again, there are some days when it feels like i've been doing it forever. this is also the longest i've ever worked at any one place. let's have some math fun: 6 years = 294 weeks (not including vacations) = 1,470 days = 11,760 hours = 705,600 minutes = 42,336,000 seconds wow, that's pretty scary. now, if i also calculate the 50km i drive to/from work every day, i've put 73,500 kilometres on my car since i started here. i've also eaten out, on average, once per week, which makes approximately 294 lunches out. just think, only 239,904,000 seconds until retirement! update: go go gadget trotts! downloard or remove, the fix is yours to choose. thank jeremy for the news.

hurrah! it's gingerbread latte season at starbucks again!

[thanks donna]

oh, btw, i've figured it out. i don't really need anti-depressants to regulate my moods, i just need midol. although, i'm not sure which is worse, the moods or these fucking cramps. ugh. here's a link to make all the bloated, crampy girls feel better about themselves: fat girls are gorgeous. you have to look past the typography issues and unfortunate colour scheme and the almost-naked photos of the author, but once you do, he's got an empowering message for those of us who despair of ever being loved for being rounder than average.

i spent last night playing return of the king and being a complete recluse. i couldn't bear to deal with anyone, so i didn't. the tv was off, oulook was closed, trillian was unopened, and the phone was unplugged. i just hacked and slashed and tried to get past the dead king until it got too chilly to be out from under the über-blankie. once safely ensconced in feathers and poly-cotton blend, i tossed and turned, talking out imaginary conversations while the upstairs neighbour's loud-voiced company rumbled on and on. i woke to two inches of snow outside my window and a sudden fear of driving with my bald tires and crazy commuters. finally, i just sucked it up, made sure my cell phone and bcaa card were ready to go and headed out. piece of cake, she says after the fact, couldn't have been easier. this is where i scoff at myself and my silliness. although, i shouldn't scoff too much, for those two cars facing the wrong way on the highway with their bumpers ripped off obviously didn't have such an easy time of it. anyway, i think i'm back to level for now. i'm still a little bummed about the fact i have to spend more money on my car and boy stuff isn't going the way i'd imagined, but hell, it's all life. shit happens, you deal with it, then more shit happens and then you deal with that. that doesn't mean i won't buy a lottery ticket for tomorrow's draw and pray i win enough to solve at least one of my current problems, though.

i've managed to work myself into a right foul humour by second-guessing the reasons behind the blatant avoidance of any discussion about last week's occurances with the aforementioned boy and jumping to conclusions that this is my karmic payback for being confused and recalcitrant about telling morgan how i felt about him this summer. i get what he's doing. i'm queen of "ignore it and maybe it'll go away". that doesn't mean it's not seriously fucking with my head, though. you see, i'm also queen of "the run-away imagination". it just seems as if everything is weighing me down right now. emotionally, financially, socially. i have so much to do and every one thing i accomplish, two more things either break or get added to the list. people are mostly annoying me and i can't wait to get away from them, yet the ones i want to spend time with because they comfort me aren't available for whatever reasons. fuck, i hate feeling this way. i don't know what i'm going to do to dig myself out of it, though. i don't want to be the whiny, emotionally-unstable, self-loathing person everyone shies away from when they get "moody". i hate being a high-maintenance friend. i wish chocolate really was a cure-all. i'm afraid to ask for help.

i feel like i'm speaking a foreign language today. it seems that no one can understand anything i'm trying to say. it's frustrating, but when this happens, it's best for me to just shut up and avoid everyone. goodbye.

and she says i write what she's thinking first. not this time. this time jodi chromey beat me to it. the unexpected, and wholly unwelcome, $912 car repair bill i received yesterday along with some boy-related soul-searching has totally complicated my entire weekend. spending last night with the newly-returned dean and the haven't-gone-anywhere-to-return-from m&m eating pizza and learning new card & dice games probably saved my sanity. meghan loved her box of 26 new socks (aka her birthday present); although, now that i'm thinking of it, i should have gotten her 32, one for each year. i'm so glad. nothing gives me more pleasure than giving someone a gift i know they'll love, especially if they'd never pick it out for themselves. this is going to be a very long, lean, dark december. i'm not really looking forward to much other than the end of this term and the free time it will avail me (which isn't really much more than now, but at least i won't be thinking about the homework i'm not doing all the time; that alone should free up at least two more days per week to brood on my train wreck of a personal life). luckily, i have all these great people to bring little bits of sunshine into my life. thank you.

car repairs suck. boys suck. winter sucks. busses suck. homework sucks. hair sucks. food sucks. headaches suck. noise sucks. taking out the trash sucks. money sucks. toenails suck. apathy sucks.

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's, and the early 70's probably shouldn't have survived. - Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint. - There was nothing to stop us from sticking a fork in an electrical outlet. - We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets (not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking). - As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. - Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat. - We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors! - We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing. - We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this. - We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem. - We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on. - No one was able to reach us all day. No cell phones. Unthinkable! - We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms. - We had friends! We went outside and found them. - We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt. - We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.They were accidents. No one was to blame but us. Remember accidents? - We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it. - We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms and mud pies, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever. - We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them. - Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. - Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade. Again, horrors! - Tests were not adjusted for any reason. - Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. - The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law. Imagine that! The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. And you're one of them! Congratulations. Please pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good. Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it

1. List five things you'd like to accomplish by the end of the year. - see yesterday's lists. 2. List five people you've lost contact with that you'd like to hear from again. - christopher - rick - joe - michelle - stephanie 3. List five things you'd like to learn how to do. - fly - scuba dive - use a knife like a real chef - speak japanese - play piano 4. List five things you'd do if you won the lottery (no limit). - buy a castle in scotland and open a pub in it - go to patagonia and commune with the penguins - make all my parents' dreams come true - get a degree, or fourteen - play with the tigers in tiger island. 5. List five things (you do) that help you relax. - sleep - chocolate - tyler's voice - neck rubs - being spooned

yay! we won! i also succumbed and bought myself a vintage jersey. i couldn't say no, especially after i tried it on. i'm so weak, but in this case, it's a very satisfying type of weak. i've wanted a vintage canucks jersey for as long as i can remember, but they weren't readily available or affordable. thank you, nhl for the vintage series so i could finally realize my dream! *mwah* otherwise, it really shouldn't be friday today. yesterday was much too friday to have to go through it all over again. well, at least it's payday and i've got a lunch date. look out pub, here we come! for the weekend, i need to work on my last two assignments tonight and tomorrow, clean up my sty, and find some time to play cards with m&m. yeah, i think that's quite enough. oh, and i'll be wearing my jersey around the house the whole time!

i wonder who the first person was to look at a sheep and get the idea to shave it and twist it's coat into a human-shaped piece of clothing. it makes me think that our ancestors were much more creative and inventive than we give them credit for.

my 2003 xmas baking menu: - rum balls - shortbread - peppermint bark - nanaimo bars - mince tarts - mint chocolate chip cookies i thought about doing chocolates again this year, but they're really a pain in the ass. besides, just doing this will keep me chained to the kitchen for at least a week. at least it's a good kind of labour. mm, xmas baking. things i want to accomplish between terms: - read three two books - play two three games - complete art swap project - get car serviced & new tires - finish xmas shopping for dad, karen, dean, & brenda - send jeremy & tyler xmas baking - send xmas cards to everyone else - spend more time with my friends thankfully mom doesn't want a gift (although, i'd already ordered one for her before she told me that) and i've already figured out what to get m&m, so my shopping will be relatively simple this year. i still have a lot of stuff i want to get done in the next six weeks, though. it might be worse than homework! in other news, i'm quite distraught that my favourite in-car radio station has changed formats from new rock/alternative to "christmas fm". i can't explain to you the trauma i experienced upon hearing kenny g's "home for the holidays" when i turned the stereo on yesterday afternoon. everything was fine in the morning, the djs didn't mention anything about the impending format change, then blamo! from listening to the callers on the other rock station, i'm not the only one who feels confused and slightly angry at this unannounced change. they least they could have done was tell us what was happening. i had my last class last night. it lasted forever. it did, too. well, at least 40 minutes longer than usual as there was lots left to cover before the final and there was no point in saving time for the useless lab. i have until mindnight saturday to get my assignment in and then one relatively easy question due the night of the final. oh, did i mention i'm going to the hockey game tonight? yessir, free hockey tickets rock. vancouver vs. chicago. i just wish i'd ordered a vintage jersey earlier so i could wear it to the game. yay hockey!

last night i officially gave up. right in the middle of my code-fidding, just at the moment when i went in search of the key supplementary code which would enable me to finish my work, my adsl connnection disconnected. i sat at my desk staring at the connection error in disbelief for i can't remember how long. it was quite a while. my hockey team won their game while i sat there, slowly deflating, any sense of purpose or determination leaking from my person. yes, maybe i could have done it myself. i probably could have figured it out and gotten it all done. i might even have done a better job at it. anything is possible, afterall. but, i didn't. i gave up. i reached that point where i didn't care anymore. couldn't give a shit, really. what do single girls with anti-social tendencies do when they've reached the end of their tether? they go to bed. they crawl into their comfy caves of consolation and go to the place where their dreams come true, where they rule the world and they get the guy. that's what single girls without the upstairs neighbour bitch from hell do, anyway. an hour and a half i laid in bed, praying for sleep, for the day to end, for eight hours of blissful unconsciousness, trying to hear the rain fall above neighbour bitch's music pounding through my ceiling. just a note, neighbour bitch from hell: if i can hear the lyrics to your music, through your FLOOR, then it's TOO FUCKING LOUD. even before i gave up, when her noise was complicating my homework thinking, i tried to retaliate so she might get the hint. i played nickleback at almost-full volume. thrice. when that didn't work, i broke out the one and only rap song i have: holidae in. at least when that came on loud and proud, i got a little cardio out of it by shaking my money-maker all over the apartment. at about ten-thirty, i finally heard the floor squeaking as she walked across the room to the stereo and the noise stopped. actually, it didn't really stop. if listened hard enough, i could still hear the stupid twanging of her johnny cash wannabe album playing, but at least it wasn't threatening to turn me into a homicidal maniac. within moments, i was asleep. thank god. today, i'm still not really much for the caring. i'm going to explain to my teacher that my internet connection was down and i wasn't able to get the supplemental code to finish the assignment. thankfully, he had earlier decreed that there would be no deductions for late assignments for the rest of the course, so i'll tell the useless TA that i'll email it to him when i get it done, which will hopefully be this weekend. i don't have to hand it in to pass the course, but it would mean an even bigger hit on my grade, depending on how i do on the exam next week. in closing, a little personal information i probably shouldn't share because it will get back to who i'm talking about. then again, isn't that what cryptoblogging is all about? to passive-aggressively share your true feelings with people without the actual hassle of being up front about it? i'm obsessed with a boy situation i think i might have done all wrong. it was good and wonderful at the time, but it is starting to become clear to me that i probably should have done things differently. there's just too much at stake for me to treat it so casually. we'll see. who knows, with luck i might have it all backwards.

ugh. i'm starting to think it was all a very bad idea.

fuck it! who knew margaret cho was so smart? except col, of course.

two and a half hours of sleep is not enough for any human over the age of twenty-two. the worst bit is that i get to pull another all-nighter tonight to get my assignment done for tomorrow's class, which just happens to be the last lecture for this class. while that trailing fact would normally fill me with great jubilation, it unfortunately means that the exam is next week. programming is not a course of study which benefits from exams as a means of testing absorbtion of the material and the ability to effectively use it. the real world does not have programmers sitting down to complete projects in timed allotments, coding with pencil and paper. i have very little say in the matter, but i'm extremely displeased that 65% of my grade comes solely from exams. assignments are a much better metric of one's ability to program effective solutions and much closer to reality. this is going to be one very long day. i may die. but at least i'll die content.

confessions of a car salesman - a rather lengthy, but very informative look at the salesman's side of purchasing a new car. i'm ashamed to admit i was a "lie down" when i bought my car. next time, i won't be so naive. 3dmark - a pretty sweet piece of gaming benchmark software i was playing with last night. my computer scored a 3146. i feel slightly embarrassed by that. craigslist - i realize that the internet a-list has known about craigslist for years, but the vancouver corner of it has only recently started to take off. that's my official excuse. otherwise, i'm addicted to reading the casual encounters listings. people are such freaks. bachelor bob - everyone knows about the bachelor, so there's not a lot to tell. but what you might not know is that on the official site, bob writes a weekly diary entry as a compliment to the show we get to watch (we meaning everyone but me, who's in class on wednesdays and i tape gilmore girls which is on at the same time). it's been great for me to not only be able to keep on on the drama with recaps, but also get a tiny peek into bob's head as he goes through this hyped-up process. i've got to admit, i think i could be totally in love with bob, too. tv tome - if you love tv (really now, who doesn't), you need to know about tv tome. if you've ever wondered who played the lab technician on quincy, m.e. (filip field) or when the last episode of miami vice aired (june 28,1989), this is the place to go. it's your turn - shall we play a game? how about a nice game of chess? the best way i've found to play classic, and not-so-classic, board games online with people with ADHD or those who don't care to play in real-time. if you're interested my account name is "hessie", send me an invite!

i'm boldy going where single, twenty-first century women have not gone. i'm entering the land of 1950's cooking! okay, maybe it's not quite that dramatic (be thankful i didn't use the blink tags i was originally going to), but it's a pretty momentous culinary day for me. it's my first attempt at making old-fashioned, family stew. you know, meat, potatoes, carrots, onions all cooking in a pot together until you come home from work or school and fill a bowl with that savory goodness that just says "home". yum. i'm not sure what brought out this nostalgia for stew upon me, but i succumed to the pressure and bought the ingrediments while checking out the new (and annoyingly small, but that's another entry) grocery store. when i got home, i had to phone my mom to find out what the hell to do next. i've completed stage one successfully. the meat is happily browned, seasoned and simmering musically on the stovetop. i'll go back in about an hour to add veggies and other good stuff. i'm really quite excited about this process. how sad is that?

what does a brain fart smell like?

only read on if you're very brave or very bored. trust me, it's not for the faint of heart.

i've figured out why my writing is so dull lately. it's all jeremy's fault. he gets all my best material as soon as i think of it thanks to the magic known as icq. unfortunately, this means i can either stop talking to jeremy or shut the site down and only talk to jeremy. i'm torn.

have you ever put on clothing that made you look completely different? that's me today. my new brown flare cords and brown short-sleeve mock turtleneck combined with my slightly battered burgundy docs and the long-lost black pleather car-coat have turned me into a manhattan yuppie wannabe. i even went so far as to pull my hair back entirely off my made-up face to eccentuate the semi-corporate image i'm cultivating. i feel like i need a power lunch or a status meeting to round out the package.

i don't have any words right now. i don't even have any photos right now. i'm boring and sleepy, but i look really good in one of my new articles of clothing. my life in point form: - there's class tonight but i haven't done my homework. - i'm seriously considering the benefits of the atkin's diet. - living in fear of the mastercard statement is not fun. - i need a new book to read. - new steve madden platform t-straps make me happy. - there's a desperate need for a more comfortable desk chair. - eight a.m. is my default wake-up time sans alarm. - i can't believe you're still reading this tripe.

i just macgyvered my bra back together with duct tape after my underwire popped out during the matrix: revolutions (more on that later). i really am a wonder woman. hear me roar! p.s. visiting mom for a couple days. don't miss me too much.

i received a very interesting email today from a fellow named david in australia. he complimented my mirror project submission (a great way to get my attention, by the way) and asked if i'd be interested in particpating in his "a picture's worth" project. it's an interesting idea and one i'm definitely going to join in on, once i have some time to be a little more creative than yammering about house & home work. in the mean time, you're a creative bunch of people. go take a look and send the nice man some submissions while i finish cleaning up.

when the alarm went off this morning, i lay in bed wondering why it was acting that way on a saturday. that's when it hit me. that was the beginning of the Friday From Hell. the details are unimportant, it's the feeling that is certainly in my heart, but not in hers. sorry, i digressed. i'm overtired, broke, waiting for a phone call i can't get because the 7-11 guy sold me the wrong kind of cell phone voucher and i didn't notice until i got here, have coffee breath, feel really fat and unattractive, overwhelmed with things that need to be accomplished in a relatively short period of time, feeling guilty that i've let people down and put off things i should have gotten to weeks ago, and all i really want to do is go home, curl up under the über-blankie and watch indiana jones and avoid everyone and everything for four days straight. too bad that's as likely as winning the lottery. so, tonight i'm going home and doing a whirlwind cleaning of my apartment so at least that part of my life is back under control. i also need to do my laundry and try to get my homework done just in case the aforementioned possible plans actually happen. i think once i get my domestic and scholastic situations under some semblance of organization i should be able to tackle the social stuff i need to deal with. i hope. quote of the day: "i love rupert. i want to shave him and give him a hug."

stupid internet. well, okay, not really. stupid work. hm, that's not it either. stupid work internet connection that wasn't connected ALL DAY LONG. yeah, that's it. i mean, really. they obviously have no idea how hard it is to look like you're working when you can't even read your favourite sites and blog all day. and they call themselves progressive. to top it all off, i lost my sweet, personalized parking spot by $4 to our craptastic network guy. oh, the humanity!

good news: i pulled a diet pepsi-fuelled homework binge last night and, with the help of my dearest jeremy, managed to get my assignment done in time and with some pretty sweet algorthims. i'm brilliant when i have to be, but with jeremy watching my back, i'm a supergenius (tm jodi). better news: the boy from the past i don't like to talk about for fear of jinxing things phoned last night and invited me on a little excursion. i'm beyond excited at the prospect of going on an overnight jaunt with him next week, except for the... bad news: the trip may not happen because of the placement of the remembrance day holiday. ironically, this is also the only reason why the jaunt is at all possible for me because i have both monday and tuesday off work next week. it would also mean that i would have to condense my mother-visiting plans and get my next assignment done before i go away (read: before friday). while neither is impossible, it means a little bit of freaking out and a little bit of pouty mom to deal with. regardless, i'm not going to worry about it until i hear something firm about the trip... but i think i'll get started on my assignment just in case.

i like your pants around your feet i like the dirt that's on your knees and i like the way you still say please while you're looking up at me you're like my favourite damn disease

of course, when i couldn't post anything i had so much to say, but now that i can post i can't think of a damn thing. typical. sunday afternoon, karen & i went to see kill bill, vol. 1. i'm not exactly sure how i want to describe the movie. it was campy, gory, schlocky, beautiful, curious and amusing. above all, i believe it's a movie that should not be taken too seriously. definitely take your grain of salt with you to the theatre. an amusing anecdote from my movie excursion: just as the bride was leaving okinawa, the movie stopped and the curtains closed on the screen. everyone in the theatre started looking around and muttering. i turned to karen and said "that would be a totally tarantino way to end it. it is only part one, afterall." hrm. well, i thought it was funny.

so, um, technical difficulties. sorry about that. my old webhost dropped off the face of the earth last week and i got tired of waiting to hear something (anything!) from them and packed up and moved house. now i can only hope that i can get visa to deny any monthly charges they may try to keep making on my card. if not, i know where the owner lives and i'm pretty sure i can call in a favour and get the shit scared, if not beaten, out of him. thanks for all the concerned inquiries, by the way. just to assure you that if i ever do decide to pack this place up for good, i'll be sure to leave some properly melodramatic message and not just disappear in the middle of the night. in other news, i have to disappoint some people, and myself, by being practical. again. fuck, i hate being practical. anyway, things to do. i'll try to get back into the swing of things starting fresh tomorrow. *mwah* love you, kidlets! p.s. a nice surprise was having another photo posted at lalaland. go check it out!

hello?