May 2004 Archives

i realize that most of the people who come and read my site are off work and probably not coming around today due to the memorial day long weekend in the states, but because it's still monday and i have the displeasure of being at work this morning, i shall still post the antics of my incredibly, stupendously average weekend for all my non-holiday-having readers. it was a popcorn-eating, leg-shaving, assignment-finishing, freakish-cleaning, happy-socializing, not-lost-getting, tv-watching, cd-listening, coffee-drinking, boy-avoiding, laundry-washing, food-shopping, gift-wrapping, book-reading, perogie-hating, ring-finding, window-opening, music-downloading, cuticle-conditioning weekend. there you have it. now i'm back at the grind and i love that subway is open at 6:30 so i can stop and get something for lunch on my way to work instead of wasting twenty minutes in the middle of the day. i couldn't decide what i wanted to make for lunches this week hence the early morning stop at subway. any suggestions?

i picked a kickass team for the group assignments in class. well, i picked chris, who is a kickass team member. shane and i are contributing, andy is kind of sitting there, but chris is rocking the free world. woot. if only wayne, the nutty professor, would actually have marked out mid-terms instead of sailing around the gulf islands. sometime during class last night, my right shoulder decided that it wants to secede from the union which is my body. it's telling me this by the excruciating pain whenever i try to relax my arm. so, here i sit, slightly askew, with a bright blue gel pack precariously balanced upon the offending body part in my efforts to appease. you know what? i'm really fucking tired of being in pain. if nothing else, it's serving as an object lesson in why i need to lose weight and get active. speaking of, somehow, despite all the crap (with a capital c) i put into my body while i was away, i managed to maintain this week. i don't know what i did to make the scale gods smile so favourably upon me, but i sure ain't going to squander the gift. i'll sacrifice my piece of tiramisu cake in thanks later.

lately, i've found myself really wanting to fall in love. or, at the very least, really serious like. it's been a while since i've felt that way about anyone and i seem to be craving the tummy flutters and daydreaming and obsession that goes along with meeting a boy who makes you tingle. i don't have a particular boy in mind (although, i've come dangerously close to becoming far too attached to my official crush of 2004), so i've found myself ogling random boys a lot more lately and turning into an extra-sappy sap while watching anything remotely romantic on tv. i want to find a boy who thinks i'm really interesting and likes to spend time with me doing the things that people do. julie wrote about it a little today, the wanting someone to do things with. not because you can't do them on your own, but because you want someone to with whom you can share your experiences. i want to find that. speaking of boys, tall shane (aka the boy toy) has been dropping not very subtle at all hints that he'd be more than willing to stop by and check my plumbing, if you know what i mean. if i'm really honest, i was more than a little tempted to take him up on it. then i started thinking about it too much. do i really want to have a fling? aren't i worth more than that? it's just sex, isn't it? blah. who knows what i'll end up deciding. i certainly don't.

i feel like ass today. on top of feeling generally crappy physically (sore neck, sore back, fat & bloated, need more sleep), the hvac guys seem to have decided that it's "arctic day" and have dropped the interior temperature accordingly. my tea is steaming like it's outside in december, for pete's sake! oh, yeah. it's going to be a great day.

okay, i need to make a list of all the shit i need to accomplish. i don't know if it will help me overcome my inate slothfulness and actually acheive anything, but maybe if i have them all collected in one place, instead of randomly popping up to the top of my consciousness, i'll feel a bit more control and, subsequently, get more done. here goes... - make reservation for boss's lunch this friday - buy copy of "the wealthy barber" and card for sarah before her graduation barbeque this saturday - read chapter 7 of textbook before class thursday night - make soup - figure out if it's my vcr or coax which makes my tv crackle and sputter at really inappropriate times. - grocery shop - take cans back - phone meghan - make cds for jodi & jenny - balance the chequebook - do my craptastic filing (and set up new file box) - clean shower - get quote for blind cleaning - deposit coins & referral cheque - see the day after tomorrow with karen on sunday - work on nuttymuffin site - fill tires - top up oil - sell the playstation i never play - go through my closets - get a haircut! - get a new suitcase before july - find time to hang out with col - sort through bookcase and thin it out i'm sure i've forgotten stuff, so this list may grow. wow, that's depressing.

it's only 10:30 and i'm hungry, bored and blind. if it wouldn't take an hour, i'd consider going home to get my glasses just to alleviate one of the three. thankfully it's very nearly lunch time because i'm seriously looking forward to that turkey sub. mom went and bought herself a new stereo tv and vcr/dvd player combo unit with her big winnings last month. unfortunately for me, spending four days with them have made me seriously crave a similar set of purchases. fortunately for me, i refuse to buy a dvd player of any kind until i replace my craptastic television. it makes no sense to me to buy something to view beautiful dvds with if the screen will do them absolutely no justice at all. then again, my hand may be forced because i noticed that the last time i went into blockbuster, half the movies i wanted to rent were only available on dvd. weasels, i say. weasels!

man you people are demanding. i can't even go away for a long weekend without you all up in my face. whatever will you do when i'm gone for an entire week in july? my long weekend: four days of mostly nothing punctuated by pixar, cake, cheetos, giant spiders, dominos, slot machines and pain. now i'm back at work and looking forward *cough* to a long, long day. seems, in the panic to not forget anything, i forgot my glasses. i should be good and blind by the end of the day. let's hope that the small favour which is subway for lunch will help make it a little more tolerable. otherwise, how was your weekend?

oh my FUCKING god! i absolutely MUST go to this. great big sea! 54-40! sloan! stabilo (boss)! spirit of the west! and fucking CHILLIWACK! holy shit. two days, nine bands and only $55? hell yeah! who's coming with me?

today will be a hurry-up and wait kind of day. hurry up to go pick up karen's birthday cake at lunchtime, then wait until it's time to go home. hurry up to get home, eat dinner, do the dishes, take out the garbage and then wait for karen to get here. hurry up to get karen and me back to my place before dad arrives to take us to the ferry, then wait for the ferry to get us to nanaimo. hurry up to get off the ferry and into mom's car, then wait for her to get us to parksville. honestly, the part of this long, long weekend i'm most excited about is getting to sleep in a real bed for four whole nights. i hope it's just long enough for my back to forgive me and stop being such a cranky bitch. i really need to be painless so i can get back to exercising because, dammit, i gained this week due to the combination of pigging out and not moving at all. my mid-term was last night. other than my teacher being a complete flake and telling us one thing, then doing something completely different, it was okay. a LOT of stuff to get done in two and a half hours, though. my group wanted to work a bit on our assignment afterwards, but we were all sitting there bug-eyed and little punchy so we decided to scrap it for this week. i've been designated "the cleaner" for the project, which is just fine by me. the further into this course i get, the more i realize i am not a "big picture" kind of person. i'm much better at figuring out the sniggly details than sketching out the master plan. that's what is making the course really challenging for me. it's all about taking a problem and analyzing it to work out the plan for breaking it down into manageable tasks. i just kind of sit there and feel overwhelmed with it all. once it's broken down, i feel much better and can tackle a specific task. it's also interesting to discover that i don't want to be in charge of delegating or coordinating, but i still want to have contol over everything that's being done. how the hell is that ever going to work? you'd think a perfectionist would relish being the boss. i'm not sure what it is, but i hate being the boss. fear of responsibility maybe? i don't know. i'll have to think on that some more. but not right now; i'm too busy hurrying up to wait.

maybe i'm an emotional bulemic. once i purge it all, i always seem to feel much better. i'm so thankful for all your kind responses and support. it truly is an amazing thing to have virtual strangers reaching out to you. i realize that what you know of me is dictated by what i choose to put on this page and when. you couldn't have known that shortly after getting out all those negative feelings, i felt so much lighter and less put upon. part of me wants to now reassure you that i'm not on the verge of suicide or in need of medical treatment. i don't walk around all day with a cloud of misery hovering over me. i'm human. i have negative thoughts. sometimes, you just have to vent. you have to express the darkness inside before it consumes you. how very dire i make it sound, but it's the truth. i know, very well, that there are great feelings, too. feelings which don't suck at all. in the interest of balance... i feel infinitely lucky to have such an amazing group of friends who love me despite my moods and sometimes off-putting quirks. i feel invigorated when i have an interesting and open-minded conversation about potentially controversial topics. i feel proud of finally taking steps to improve my health by learning to eat in a way that is helping my body find a healthy weight. i feel strong when i push myself just that little bit further when i work out. i feel creative when i look through the collection of photographs i've taken and think of the photographs i have yet to take. i feel giddy when i discover something new that delights me. i feel sensual when a boy wants to get into my pants. i feel loved when i think of my family. i feel driven and determined when faced with a new challenge. i feel competent and confident with regards to my work. i feel overwhelming curiousity when i'm obsessed with learning something new.

oh my god, i feel absolutely miserable. it's just come and washed over me in the last hour. i feel pathetic for not having anyone in my life who loves me romantically (and subsequently getting accounts on two different online dating sites and not getting one single response). i feel lazy and fat for not being able to exercise this week because of my sore back. i feel stupid for thinking, even for a moment, that i should get back together with morgan because no one will ever love me like he loved me and i should take what i can get and that he wasn't really that bad and i'll learn to love him in time. i feel angry with myself for eating an entire bag of baked lays last night when i wasn't hungry and i didn't really even want them. i feel disappointed in myself that i haven't taken pictures in so long it almost hurts to look at anything. i feel frustrated that it's only wednesday. i feel stressed about my mid-term tomorrow and the group assignment due next week. i feel anxious about all the things i need to get done before 6pm friday. i feel irresponsible for being in debt and having run out of money an entire week before payday. i feel worry and premature grief about my aging parents and absolutely despair for the day when they will no longer be around. i feel like a horrible friend for not seeing meghan in almost an entire month, always putting off making phone calls to karen, not being able to give back to jeremy what he gives to me and not having enough money or time to go visit heather. feelings suck.

when you don't have anything else to say, a fill in the blank meme is really handy. thank you, frm! FIRSTS First job: babysitter extraordinaire First self purchased CD: shooting rubberbands at the stars by edie brickell and the new bohemians First piercing/tattoo: my ears, but they got infected. i waited four years to have them redone. First enemy: probably my mom. i was six and i didn't understand why we were moving out of our house and why my daddy wasn't coming with us and i was very, very, very angry. LASTS Last big car ride: seattle, 2001 Last kiss: sometime last summer. Last library book checked out: the photographer's handbook (i still owe late fees on it. oops.) Last movie seen: super size me Last beverage drank: earl grey tea Last food consumed: vanilla fat-free yogurt with kashi go lean crunch and all bran Last phone call: cibc offering to transfer the american express account i closed last week Last CD played: play by great big sea Last annoyance: back pain Last pop drank: diet a&w root beer Last ice cream eaten: skinny cow ice cream sandwich a couple weeks ago Last shirt worn: um, the grey t-shirt i'm wearing now I.... I AM: experiencing back pain I HAVE: to make phone calls tonight I WISH: my back wasn't sore I HEAR: nattering co-workers and the VERY LOUD air ducts rattling I SEARCH: for a sense of peace with myself I REGRET: pretty much everything I LOVE: my friends I ALWAYS: want to sleep in FAVORITES Number: 3 Colour: bloo Day: saturday Month: april Song(s): lately, anything by dido Season: fall Drink: diet pepsi

you know your life is dull when the only thing you're concerned with is whether it's better to get the calcium supplement with magnesium or without.

i was doing so well, too. my weekend was very quiet and sloth-like. i rented a couple movies, did a wee bit of non-grocery shopping, went for a long walk, ran into tall shane, helped my dad with some computer stuff, took out the garbage, washed the dishes and woke up with a bout of sciatica. before becoming a cripple again, i was feeling pretty damn awesome. i had even started to convince myself i was looking cute despite my baggy pants and hair in dire need of management. you know, this isn't even interesting. i should probably have deleted it.

it's a beautiful day in the neighbourhood and i don't have a damn thing to say. tell me a story.

just a small follow-up to yesterday's post, i found this article which describes what i was originally intending to get at before i rambled my way to a some murky conclusion (without even complaining about low-carb beer! i can't believe i forgot that). in other news, it has finally been confirmed that the new upstairs neighbour is actually a male person of the middle-to-late thirties persuasion. i ran into him as i was coming home and he was heading out for some sort of fitness endeavour. then i ran into him again when i ambled down to the store to pick up something for lunch today and he was walking home. he's a lot more tolerable than the evil upstairs neighbour from hell with the Very Loud And Crappy Music Playing All The Time. we just have to work on his conversation volume (it's amazing how much more a man's deep voice carries than a woman's) and how loud and late he watches his tv. i literally haven't talked to meghan in two weeks. my cell's been out of air time credits since the friday before last, so if she's tried texting me she probably thinks i'm ignoring her. i should phone her today, see if they've got plans for this weekend. time is just flying. i can't seem to get anything other than washing dishes and a little bit of exercise done on weeknights. last weekend was crazy busy, i'm going to the island next weekend... when did my life get so hectic? i need to stop sleeping so i can get shit done.

my camera hasn't been out of the bag in weeks. i'm not sure what's going on, but i just can't seem to get excited about making pictures. everything lately has been crap and i haven't gone anywhere new to inspire me. i'm trying desperately to not un-convince myself that buying a new camera (this or this, i haven't decided yet) is the answer to my creative block. i realize throwing money at it isn't going evaporate my funk, but i really would love to have a shiny new camera to play with. last night, instead of doing my homework, i exercised. that's a good trade, right? considering i was close to spending the entire evening sacked out on the futon, rotting my brain. it's nights like that which convince me i really need to cancel my cable. so, low-carb/atkins/south beach/zone diets are all over the place. you can't throw a bagel in any direction without hitting something that says "net carbs" or "atkins friendly". i used to get so upset at people who would preach about the evil of carbs or disgusted at those who would gorge on greasy protein foods without regard for their arteries. then those big red "A"s started showing up in my grocery fliers and in restaurant menus. i wanted to scream "carbs aren't bad for you, dammit!" each time i saw one. then i realized, this is just like the low-fat fad in the 90's. susan powter and the other fat-is-bad advocates got people all riled up and suddenly everything and anything was proclaimed to be low-fat and therefore good for you to eat. snackwell's, baked lays, low-fat ice cream, low-fat milk, low-fat butter, low-fat oil. you get the idea, but how many of you are willing to give up your aspertame-sweetened products now? i know i'm not! times haven't really changed either. people are still getting swept up in the "fad" and not really learning anything about proper nutrition. in the low-fat days, people stopped eating full-fat versions of foods and substituted the lower-fat, but higher in sugar and other crap, versions. usually eating MORE of them because, hey! they're low-fat! they must be good for me! they disregarded the fact that the food manufacturers just substituted the fat for more chemicals to mimic the mouth-feel of fat. yeah, it had fewer calories per servings, but i don't think anyone can say it was any better for you. today, people are eating anything and everything that says low-carb or atkins friendly without any concern for their total caloric intake. no matter how you slice it, any of those carb-conscious plans are calorie restrictive and that's how you lose weight. if you eat too many eggs fried in butter with your liver tartare you're not going to lose. have you seen those atkins advantage bars? they're equivalent to 5 weight watchers points and have absolutely no dietary fibre! no wonder people on atkins are constipated and cranky. don't even get me started about all the atkins-recommended supplements, either. my complaint is, and always has been, that people just take everything at face value. they don't seem to understand that there's a HUGE difference between the carbs in brown rice and the carbs in a donut or the carbs in broccoli and the carbs in candied yams. just like there's no point in eating twice as many low-fat cookies because they may have less fat, but they have just as many calories. hey, i'm not saying i wasn't a victim of the same mentality, or that i still don't justify a binge because the crap i'm stuffing into my face is "healthier" than the alternative; but, at the very least, i KNOW i'm fooling myself and have very few misconceptions about what my body actually needs to reach a healthy weight and repair the damage i've done to it over its lifetime. too much of anything (carbs, fat or protein) is what makes you fat. eliminating an entire building block of nutrition can't be good for you. moderation and variety (thanks mercy), although boring and slow, is the only real way to eat healthfully.

my body seems to hate me lately. it keeps wanting to wake up, and i mean WAKE UP, between four and five a.m. and if i dare to go back to sleep, it punishes me with the greatest form of weariness you can imagine when my alarm beep-beeps it is time to get up and go to work at six. i'm not quite sure what's going on, but someone please send my body a memo that I'M NOT GETTING UP AT FOUR OR FIVE A.M. THANKYOUVERYMUCH. then again, i probably shouldn't complain too much. my body has also *cough*willingly*cough* let go of twenty and a half pounds of fat. that was a nice discovery last week. something about losing a score of weight that makes it all seem more real and continueable. so what if i still have lots more to lose? i haven't been able to say i've lost twenty pounds in, um, eight years. it's a major accomplishment. now if only i could learn to say no to creme brulee. mmm, creme brulee. it's almost time to start thinking about getting some new clothes. i have one pair of pants and three or so shirts that actually fit without making me look like some saggy shopping cart person. even my low-rise stretchy jeans are get a little droopy by the end of the day. i should be excited about this, but it's hard to when you know that everything i'm going to buy will be replaced in a few months' time. i think i'll go look around value village. maybe if i don't pay full price i won't feel so bad about not wearing them for very long.

as you get older, your priorities change. hence my new perfect man: has not spent time in a mental institution. this isn't to say that people who have spent time in such places are wholly unworthy life companions, but they do tend to bring along an extra element of baggage that, honestly, i just don't have the energy to deal with any more. has a car. i'm not materialistic. i won't snub a guy because his car is crappy, but owning a car shows a certain level of responsibility that i'm looking for in a partner. has a job. again, he doesn't have to make shitloads of money, but he does have to get up and go to work most every day. again, this shows a certain level of responsibility which is desireable in a mate. laughs. he knows humour. not just "knock, knock" or blonde joke humour, either. he sees the irony and entertainment in everyday life. he's quick and quirky and, most of all, laughs at my jokes. even when they're horrible. likes kissing just as much as making love. okay, so i stole this line from an episode of witchblade, but it's completely perfect. sometimes, i'd rather kiss for two hours with all my clothes on than do anything else. he's got to, too. is curious about the world. he has to wonder about things. curiosity is a function of intelligence. if he's interested in figuring things out, then he's got an agile mind and smart men are sexier than anything else. lives no further than two hours (by car) away. this one is courtesy of my jeremy. he's convinced me that long-distance relationships are difficult and detrimental to emotional well-being. god, i hate it when he's right.

my job used to include processing thousands of applications and resumes each year and i was always astounded and amazed by some of the things people would write and/or include in hopes of attracting attention of their potential employer. these are just a few of the more memorable outtakes. "If your advertisement was written to attract my attention, it worked like a charm !" yippee skippy! "Objective: To obtain employment in the job that i'm applying for." gee, you think? "I am available now and do not mind odd hours and shift work." oh good! we've been looking for someone to work 1, 3, 5, 7... "There has not bin a job that I could not do." except spell 'been' correctly. "After being downsized, a couple of years ago, I'am now wanting to work at another trade or vocation. My years of work experiences could work well for your company in giving both of us, a Very Worthwile, Win-Win, Sucessful Combination. I live a very sober and straight lifestyle. I am Bondable, Honest, Trustworthy, Concienceous, and Reliable. I know that I am, of the proper discipline to undertake this challenge NOW. I Extend to you, the Right!, to pass this Resume along, to Whom Ever, might benefit from our Mutual Association. and, Thank You in advance!" and i'm Passing it Along to You. you're Welcome! "I have the experience. I have the Tools. I have the Strength, energy and motivation. To do great work for you!" hmm, maybe if i have no experience or real skills, but write my cover letter like a poem they'll hire me! uh, no. "This is with reference to my telephonic conversation dated 27 November with one of your staff, I would like to apply..." telephonic? supersonic? chronic, polyphonic! *do-doo-be-doop* "Here is my application. I appreciated the time you took to speak with me last week. As you can see, my resume on its own doesn't show how hard I can work. I am 6'1" and 235 pounds of pure muscle. Have me for an interview." i'm not sure exactly what kind of job he thinks he's applying for, but sure! i'll have you for an interview, you big hunk of muscle. "I'm faxing you at this time, in regards to and employment opportunity. I'm an Electronics Engineer. Describing with some details my career experience you could see that I have experience, with control and instrumentation equipment, due too work at a laboratory and inside a facility too; y got some experience working with mechanical parts. I know anything about calibration, repair and maintenance of electronics instrument as well as data acquisition equipment too. Thinks like computer programming, software development. Software packages are quiet good dominated. Additionally I got some other valuable courses, to prepare you to attend difficulties as well as to help you solve problems during certain dangerous situations and to prevent it. I though you were probably interest in a person like me, or with the experience or preparation like the one I have, please accept my resume I would like to share it with you. I will be happy to schedule and interview to answer all you questions. And don't hesitate to contact me." there's just too much to choose from. [insert your joke here] "I have a strong body and an agile mind. I can work in any conditions and used to work day after night. ...And so, I fax this letter to you, and hope we can work together. Another page of paper is my resume. If you can hire me, I would try my best to do it well. And make friendship with colleague. I hope you are interested in what I said. And I am waiting for your reply. Best truly of yours." sometimes it just sounds like their ran their letter through babelfish. best truly of yours, too!

CANCER: There were good things about the past. There were less than wonderful things, too. You've been through it all too many times. Bury these events if you can't learn anything else from them. Tantalize yourself with what could be instead of torturing yourself with what might have been. Recognize your potential and let it lead you to happiness. There's still so much that you can explore and conquer. The variety that you let into your life gradually shifts the shape of who you are. Don't worry, nothing essential will be lost. This is all about what's yours to gain.

i stayed up too late last night watching the lightning and giggling like a school girl every time the thunder rattled my windows. i gladly traded my monthly full moon gazing for the violent weather. ooh, the lightning. gorgeous fork lightning such as we experienced is quite uncommon hereabouts so it was a real treat. god, i love storms. there's something wrong with me today. i'm chatty and hyper and social and nice. and it's not even nine am. seriously, this is not right. you'd think i got laid or something. since i have nothing else to offer this morning, from the frograbbitmonkey, i present: 1. What song would you want played at your funeral? seeing as i'm the least musically-minded person i know, this is a bitch of a question. um. yeah, i have no idea. nothing from the 70's and no fucking hymns. other than that, just make sure it's got a little irony to it. 2. Where do you draw the line between acceptable use of office supplies/equipment/resources and actual theft? For the purposes of this question, you do not own the business. um, i'm a huge abuser of office supplies/resources, so i'd say as long as you're not taking actual capital equipment (printers, laptops, copiers, chairs) home, it's all good. oh, but don't get me started on asking someone to scan or print stuff for your kid's homework. that just bugs me. 3. If you were given the power to resolve one global social, political, or economic issue completely, which issue would you resolve and why? prejudice. i think once we stop being so evil to people just because they're different than us the world will be a much better place. we're all different in billions of small ways, starting with the smallest pieces of us. why we always judge, criticize and hate others because of them is beyond me. no one is the same in their looks, thoughts or beliefs, so it's crazy to think that everyone should think/feel/look/be the same. now, my questions: 1. if you could only eat three foods for the rest of your life (without fear of gaining/losing weight or suffering nutritional deficiencies) what would they be? 2. what do you wish everyone knew about you that you're too afraid to tell them about? 3. the same day you win $10,000,000 from the lottery, aliens land on earth and say they're going to blow up the planet in 24 hours. how do you spend your winnings? answer them on your blog if you have one or in the comments if you don't. c'mon, play with me!

1. my pants are too big for me. 2. i slept funny and, as a result, my neck hurts. again. 3. don't let me order pizza anymore. 4. my hair smells like pumpkin pie! 5. it's my very bestest jeremy's birthday today! happy birthday!! 6. i need another coffee. 7. i will do my reading for class tonight. 8. i'm insanely envious of people who can draw. 9. today feels very empowering. hear me roar! 10. do you like my little menu arrows over on the left? i think they're pretty slick, myself.

well, i was supposed to be curled up in the warm goodness that is the über-blankie right now due to the mis-named general strike. then the bastards went and negotiated an agreement to avert it. oh well, i couldn't find out the times or locations of any rallies to attend anyway. the best i could have hoped for was getting the apartment vacuumed and maybe going for a walk. everyone's grumbly about having to be here, though. it's kind of amusing. the weekend was dull. i didn't see anyone except a couple retail clerks and the pizza guy. although, i did talk to both my parents, which is odd (i think dad's lonely now that his girlfriend is out of town for three weeks). i'm absolutely in love with my new fridge! it's so sexycool. i did figure out that i couldn't run it and the microwave off the same power bar without it blowing the fuse, though. oops. you may covet my new shoes. they're pretty sportyfun.