October 2009 Archives

in eight months i've managed to increase my net worth (or decrease my negative value) by over six and a half thousand dollars. i find that kind of insane.

it was accomplished through a combination of accelerated debt payment and regimented savings, but i'm still shocked at how fast that line on the graph has been going up. that is one of the reasons i'm seriously leaning towards ditching my lemony car and becoming a pedestrian. that line will practically skyrocket out of the red!

now that i think about it, i've not had a single day since turning 20 years old when i wasn't in debt; when my net worth wasn't less than zero. i think i should have a "positive net worth party" when i'm finally worth something -- monetarily, that is.

in order to remove as many stressors from my life as possible, i think i might actually dump my money-pit of a vehicle.

as i've previously posted, i have spent a total of twice the purchase price of the car on repairs in the two years i've had it and shit just keeps on breaking! things which need replacing as of today:

- transmission (i can only reverse if the car is warmed up)
- all four wheel bearings (oh, the howling)
- rear brakes (thank goodness the front ones are still good)
- right front cv joint covery thingie (i've seen the rip, but it doesn't seem to be doing bad things)
- slow coolant leak (i pour water in every other month or so)
- valve cover gasket (the engine eats oil like college kids eat twinkies)
- the oil dipstick tube thing (it just broke off today. no kidding!)

each time i get in the car to go somewhere, i have honest doubt that i'll make it to my destination. that doubt is making me crazy and miserable (among all those other things making me crazy and miserable, of course). something has to change.

so, i find myself listing the pros and cons of dumping meine deustche auto. and, since this is the internet, sharing them with you:

pros

- no more worrying if my car will get to where i'm headed
- $200 extra every month i can use to pay down my debt faster
- heck, ANOTHER $100/mo i can use to pay down debt since i won't have to give it to ICBC
- did i mention no more car-related anxiety?
- paying off my debt more than eight months earlier than planned!
- incidental exercise
- more fresh air
- commuting stories to blog about
- opportunities to do things downtown since i'll have to go through it to get home anyway

cons

- public transit
- winter without a car is a scary thought
- losing two hours a day to commuting (on public transit)
- how will i get things home from ikea or walmart or [insert place with big heavy things here]?
- getting anywhere will require more effort, time and planning
- getting some places will be impossible without imposing on others or paying for cabs
- scary transit stories to relate to officers of the law
- sore feet

if i'm going to dump the clunker, i really have to get going with it, but... as with a lot of things in my life right now, i'm kind of stuck in indecisionland. it's been a very long time since i've been car-less and i don't know how i'd adapt to going back there, even if it's only for a little over a year.

GAH! part of me actually wants the car to just not move anymore to make the decision for me, but i'm hardly ever that lucky.

who wants to do this for me?

today is all about what hurts.

my knee sometimes hurts (i think my surgery has turned it into a barometer -- the rest of this winter will tell if i'm now carrying around my own weather station in my pants). i have a sore spot in the middle of my chest which, the last time i felt it, was diagnosed and an inflammation in the cartilage near my sternum. my arms are chock-full of pains of various sorts and intensities due to the over-zealous Wii boxing i participated in yesterday afternoon (oh lord, i'm so out of shape). my neck has been seized up for over a week now and two hard-core massages have barely managed to put a dent in the strain. returning to work has brought back a headache from thinking about all the shitty shit i have to do every day. oh, and my work chair gives me a backache and sometimes an ache in my hips.

fuck, i sound like my mom's 80-year-old friend.

friday was a bad day. i shouldn't have gone to work, but i did, and i paid for it. unfortunately, our sick plan doesn't really accommodate the ability to work as much as you can then go home. even when you're newly returned from seven weeks off for whatever reason. if you go home, you don't get paid and, well, i need to get paid.

my kingdom for a sugar daddy (you hear that, Christopher?)! ;)

the other side of this coin is the anxiety. because i hurt in weird and scary places, i start to get anxious and the panic attacks return. you know, the ones where my heart starts to race, i think i'm going to pass out (or die) and, well, then i start to cry. they're fun, especially at the workplace. you know, the one where i can't just go crawl into bed and go to sleep until the fear goes away.

i need to call the work-sponsored counseling service to find someone to talk to about all this. to help me deal with everything i've gone through in the last few months. i have the card with the number. i know it will help. i just can't seem to make myself make the call...

part of me is afraid. part of me is ashamed. part of me is resentful. yet another part of me is skeptical. the one part of me which wants it isn't yet strong enough to pick up the phone and i worry it never will and i'll just continue to sputter and suffer.

anyway, there's a big juicy work scandal afoot today, so i've got to go find a water cooler to go gossip around. i hope that'll distract me enough to make it through the day.

as you can see by the boobs and the posting i am not yet dead. actually, for the past week and a half (or so), i've been feeling almost entirely alive, which is a pretty good feeling let me tell you.

as you could tell from my last post, things were Not Good during the month of September. the surgery, the complications, the hospitalization, the embolism, the illness, the anxiety, the panic attacks, the ER visits, the paramedics, the blood tests, the hospital hair, the doctor visits and the fear all served to make 09/09 the Month Of Suck. seriously. actually, what's more serious than seriously? that's what it was. seriousliest!

in addition to all the shit i was going through, Christopher was rear-ended while riding in his dad's car as has been suffering from a fairly dire case of whiplash. then the transmission in my dad's car blew up so even he was unable to attend to my every whim and desire as he said he would. my men-folk just couldn't come to my aid! good thing i wasn't having fainting spells (well, except for that one time at the farmer's market).

now, it's been six-and-a-half weeks since i've been off work and tomorrow is the Big Day. i've set the alarms for 5:50 and 6:10 am. i'm making lunches and doing laundry. i sent my mom home to Parksville and will soon dismiss Christopher from my presence so i can spend the evening in quiet contemplation and sobbing as i prepare to go back to my day job.

i didn't get a single thing done i meant to while i was off work. not. one. i didn't even get to finish watching season 3 of Buffy! yeah, yeah, i know i should cut myself some slack. i did almost die, after all. but, still. the control freak hyper organizer in me is severely disappointed in my lack of performance. and, now that i'm feeling so much more human than last month, it's hard to give myself a pass because i didn't for so long.

so, now that my life is returning to it's Monday-Friday drudgery, i just don't know what to think. again, i feel as if i should be changing myself in some way as a result of my recent experiences, but the fear is still strong and it's hard to figure out a direction to go in when you're scared to push yourself too far.

i do have plans, but they're all dependent on how i survive the next three days back in the Real World. i may be pushing it a little with a work party tomorrow night and a physio appointment the next, but hey... what's better than just diving head-first into shallow water? i just hope my boss is receptive to a plea to change my work hours. if nothing else, this time off has cemented the knowledge that my body and brain do not like getting up at 5:30am. i hope to adjust my schedule to that of normal working people which means i might just get to sleep until 7am. on a work day! can you even imagine the decadence?

okay, gotta go make my lunch now. oy.