January 2012 Archives

as is tradition, i'll be damn glad when january is over. ugh, this month! what is it about this month?

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everytime i'm in the kitchen slicing a lot of something, i think about that late series episode of Dawson's Creek in which Pacey is working in the restaurant owned by that kind of jerky rich guy. he's given a bushel of potatoes and told to slice them as thinly as he can. after something like a month of slicing bowl upon giant bowl of potatoes he finally has a Pacey-style hissy fit and is all "why am i slicing all these goddamn potatoes?!" and his dick boss hands him a dish and says "so you don't waste these super-expensive truffles".

i don't know why i think of that, but i do. then i think about how that was kind of a pivotal moment for Pacey as he finally found something he was willing to suffer through to the end because it was like he knew cooking was going to be the one thing he was really good at. lucky for him he found someone to teach him.

btw, i may have that all completely wrong, but it's how i remember it. so there.

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seriously, why do you people like me?

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i haven't been to the gym since...early october? maybe late september. i can practically feel my muscles turning into fat. i have so many owies it's like i'm 80 when i try to get out of bed at 5am. you'd think that would inspire me to get back to it, right? you'd be wrong. besides the fact that i barely have enough energy to get from work to home and from the car to a supine position on my new couch means that just the thought of -- shudder -- exercise exhausts me. then all the ow which i know will come from abusing what's left of my muscles... ugh. no thanks.

seriously, they're not kidding when they say the hardest part of working out is just getting in the gym.

i'm trying to gear myself up mentally for it. but... that's three hours less kitten time per week! how could i ever survive?

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speaking of kittens, i think they've broken me.

pre-cats i was a sucker for animal and senior welfare, but now i seem to be some total pansy-ass compassionate do-gooder. or at least i would be if i weren't too scared to talk to strangers.

it just seems that i'm suddenly finding myself being empathicly drawn to people and creatures which seem to be in distress. and, if i can't actually help them, find myself getting all sniffly and worrying about them long past my observation of them.

last week, i saw a pigeon in distress while i was driving back to work after lunch. i cried all the way to the office because i couldn't help it because i had to go back to the office.

yesterday, i saw this woman on the sidewalk being held tightly on the upper arm by a man. she wasn't looking at him, but out at the cars driving by. i wanted to turn around and find some excuse to interrupt them to ascertain if she was being manhandled. later on my commute, a man was squatting down while holding a small black book against his face with the palms of his hands. it looked like he might be crying. i wanted to go back and ask him if he was okay.

but, i didn't.

and i worry that makes me a bad person.

what's worse? not noticing these things and feeling a compassionate need to assist or noticing & feeling but not doing anything but fucking blogging about it?

christmas ruined me.

well, it wasn't just christmas. it was the most expensive haircut i've ever had. then it was LONDON. then the new iPhone. then the new dress & shoes & handbag. then christmas. then travelling to/from the island. then the new couch. then Christopher's 40th birthday & party. then the $50 pen. then the destination wedding accommodations. then, then, then...

everything i've spent in the last four months has seemed needed and important and, when taken separately, affordable. but now? i'm all tapped out and determined to cast off this cloak of consumerism i've been wearing for too many purchases. it's been a slow death by a thousand cuts and i'm so very tired of bleeding. let me be clear: i'm not in debt for any of these purchases. i have the cash to pay for them all; but, it's eating into my savings and that is starting to freak me out and piss me off.

to that end, i am declaring February NO SPEND MONTH.

other than things i've already budgeted for (thankfully, that's a lot), i'm not spending anything. that means, when my food & grocery money is spent, i either rummage in my cupboards for miracle meals or i starve. when my entertainment budget is blown, i will not be going out where i will have to pay monies.

hopefully, i will be able to live below my budget for the month and then maybe have a little bit left over to put back into those deflated savings accounts; but, i'll be happy to be at net zero come the end of Feb.

this declaration is part public commitment to my plan and a head's up to all those who care that i may be even more hermity next month -- especially the last few days -- if things don't go well.

since you arrived from my friend Jodi Chromey, you've been my constant companion for the last eight years, six months and 18 days. you've travelled with me through four countries, in cars, on boats, in planes and on buses. you've written letters, cheques, daily drivel and secret notes.

today, as i was screwing in a new ink cartridge, you finally collapsed. your beautiful red barrel cracked. i couldn't believe my eyes. i denied the reality before me as you tore yourself apart trying to get one. last. cartridge. inside you for me to use.

i've ordered your replacement, but know that you'll never truly be replaced. thank you for all the words, dearest Lamy. you will never be forgotten.

hi!

2011... didn't suck.

i visited the ER a couple times. got an organ sucked out of my belly button. went to LONDON! and PARIS! paid off a bank loan i'd been carrying (in one form or another) since 1997. had the best 39th birthday a girl could hope for. gave blood -- twice! bought a new couch. i wore dresses! met George Stroumboulopoulos and he is still my voicemail message. i learned to love my kindle. played with glass & painted pottery. i purged, purged and purged again. and, i got my hair professionally coloured for the first time.

of course, it wasn't all bubble tea & kittens. i had a lot of stress and a lot of SAD. i struggled but i think i made it through in one piece. maybe even a little bit better than i was before it started.

i didn't feel like ringing in 2012 with a lot of hoopla. i stayed at home, ate pizza, watched some tv and was in bed by 10pm. i was woken by yelling neighbours just before midnight and stayed awake to hear the year tick over. then i kissed a kitten head and went back to sleep.

for this year, i'm not asking for a lot. i'd like it to be free of hospitals, big bills and anxiety/depression. i'd like it to be filled with more friends, kitten bellies and adventures. i want to get back to the gym. i want to eat more veggies. i want to continue to reduce the things i'm caretaking so that i can spend more time with the people (and kittens) i care for. i want to be smarter with my money. i want to be a better daughter, friend and employee.

mostly, i want to not freak the fuck out because i'm turning 40 this summer. ugh.

2012. wtf, right? that was freakin' science fiction when i was a kid. who knew we'd actually be alive to see it?