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six months ago (minus three days), a blood clot which formed in the back of my left leg after my knee surgery broke off, zoomed up my leg, through my heart and got stuck in my lung. it went from being a DVT to a PE in a millisecond. and it almost killed me.

for the last six months (minus three days), i've been taking a daily dose of rat poison to thin my blood enough so that i wouldn't form another clot and to buy my body time to "deal with" the clot that now resided in my lung, like a ticking time bomb.

every week for the last six months (minus three days), i've had to go to the lab and get poked with needles (sometimes multiple times) to draw my blood to ensure that i was taking enough rat poison to keep the clot(s) at bay.

every minute of every day for the last six months (minus three days), i've worried about that clot in my lung. the doctor in the hospital said one of three things could happen to it:

1) it could just go away;
2) it could get scarified and permanently attached inside my lung; or,
3) it could, in some cases, get bigger.

he also said they wouldn't do any follow-up CT scan or testing to find out what it did after my six months of anti-coagulant treatment. take the pills and then stop taking the pills and you'll be fine, he said. so, i lived with the fear that it was just growing and getting more and more ominous because that's what i do. i worry and practice hypochondria.

today, i got the news.

my lovely and wonderful hematologist told me that the radioactive fog i breathed in and radioactive solution i got shot up with two weeks ago showed that my lungs are completely clear. my clot is gone! my lungs are absolutely normal and i am not going to die at some random moment because i exerted myself too much and dislodged my unwanted lung tenant! i can eat broccoli and take vitamins with abandon! i can have beer! i can go jump on a treadmill and not fear heavy breathing!

i started to cry as i walked to the car. i knew i'd been depressed and anxious the last six months (minus three days) and that i was under some extreme stress, but this news, those three little words, have lifted a giant weight from my shoulders. as i told my dad, there aren't enough exclamation points in the world to express just how happy this makes me.

I AM NORMAL!!!

and i'm so happy i could almost float. =)

so, i got my hair cut.

i'm not sure why, but ever since chopping off 14 inches of hair to donate to Locks of Love, every time i go in for a cut, i leave the salon with shorter and shorter hair. at this rate, i'll be sporting a Demi Moore circa GI Jane buzz cut in less than 18 months.

what's neat about this cut (and probably the last, but i was clueless) is that i now have a flippy-do option (as pictured) in addition to the regular, everyday scrunchy-do i normally sport. now, if there's a big occasion or i'm just feeling a little sassy, i can break out the big-barreled curling iron and make my hair defy gravity! it's very exciting. i'm a fairly low-maintenance kind of female, so anything involving implements of beauty torture both intimidate and thill me.

in other news, i just can't wait for 2009 to be over. there's been so much yucky all over the place, 2010 has GOT to be an improvement. right? besides all the health drama and money drama, there have been deaths and heartbreak and work issues and just a general sense of "fuck, this sucks" pervading most of the lives of people i know and love this last year. too many hospitals, too many bills, too many angsty conversations which go nowhere and only end in tears. in addition, all the awesome Christmas things i look forward to every year at the office just aren't happening because of tensions i cannot speak of. it's made me want to just skip this month entirely!

alas, there is no skipping. so, i'm hunkering down and trying to make the best of it. there have been parties and brunch (my two new favourite things) and home improvements and iphone debating to keep my mind off all the badness. i seem to have inherited an ice cream maker to replace the inherited waffle iron, so maybe i'll just drown my winter sorrows in homemade creamy goodness. or, maybe i should finish Christopher's scarf already.

p.s. remind me to tell you about how awesome it is to have finally found a bra which fits. my boobs look awesome now.

after a very slow and worrisome start, i ended day one with many small sales and one HUGEMONGOUS one. seriously, i didn't think that one lady was going to buy SIX magnet sets and TWO pendants and THREE more magnets! that was almost a hundred-dollar sale! holy crap!

there was fairly steady traffic all day, which was good. my table-partner, and co-worker Sandy, got the first sale, but until near the end, i got most of the rest. Nelson came to visit while Jana was at a baby shower semi-nearby. a couple co-workers came to visit, as well. and, we made friends with most every other vendor who kept us company in the basement room of the Urban Academy. right next to us was actually one of the teachers, which explains why so very many people coming by knew her name.

interestingly, people seem to really like looking at my photo cards, but aren't so very interested in buying them. nor is there much interest in the pendants or rings. magnet sets are selling well and, after a slow start, so are magnet monograms and singles.

i supported my fellow crafters by buying a cat-shaped spoon rest and a cat-eared/devil-horned sparkly toque (it's pretty fucking fantastic, actually). i'm sure i'll spend more of my profits there tomorrow. especially on those extra-chewy homemade chocolate chip cookies. yum.

now, i'm home after finally getting to go out for sushi with Christopher after we closed up shop for the day. i've counted my money and now, i think i'm going to lie down on the floor for a while and unkink my back.

i'm such a party animal.

p.s. if you're not doing anything tomorrow, the craft fair is open for one more day! come see me from 10-5! i like visitors!

well, i'm all packed up for the big craft fair this weekend!

everything is in a big paper box or a lululemon tote bag (sorry, colene). at least i hope everything is. my worst fear is to get halfway through the day on saturday and realize that i've forgotten something vital.

SO SCARED!

anyway, set up is friday night and i have a serious question about craft show set up etiquette. is set up night just for putting up of racks and laying blankets on tables? or, does one set up all one's stock as well? so you can just show up the next day and get to selling? i guess my partner and i will find out once we get there, but it all just seem so damn confusing!

oh, unless something miraculous happens, the fancy business cards i ordered won't be ready in time for the show. fuck. instead, i whipped up something dodgy in Word and printed them on those fuzzy-edged laser printer cards -- which is EXACTLY what i wanted to avoid in the first place. boo, hiss. although, how excellent is it that i'll have 250 business cards and nowhere to use them!

anyway, yeah. i'm stressed out and quite frightened to be on the other side of the table at a craft fair. i've been a frequent visitor, but never a vendor. i don't quite know if i'm up for it. that's why i think y'all should come by to cheer me up!

Christmas Magic at the Manor
November 21 & 22, 2009 10 am to 5 pm

Urban Academy
101 Third Street, New Westminster, BC

this has been the weirdest 24 hours.

not the finding yet another co-worker who lives in North Van (which means yet another potential car-pooler). not the spending four hours sandwiched into the backseat of a Mazda to go buy underpants with Brigette, Miranda, Shan and Kimli (our superawesome chauffeur). not the finding comfortable bras which fit without accessories. not the eating the world's second biggest burrito (the biggest being the one from Chipotle i ate while in Minnesota). not the going to bed at almost two in the morning on a Tuesday night. not the long, luxurious day at home in various states of undress playing with crafts and drinking hot, caffeinated beverages. not the crazy weather happening outside my window, complete with hail and monsoon-like rain storms. not the scalding shower i took just because i was chilly. not the phone call from my doctor's office with my INR results. not the weird, yet fabulous, nap i had late in the afternoon.

just all of that mixed up together in the last day has made me feel... weird. it's been inexplicably relaxing yet exciting. the adventure of crossing the border with the girls was just what i needed and i hope to do it with them again soon -- just in a slightly bigger vehicle if at all possible. ;)

i'm glad that i've got new awesome american underpants and i'm glad i got a day to get some crafting done. i wish i'd managed to do the errands i had on my list, but there's no reason they can't be delayed a day or two. hell, i wish i'd cleaned my apartment and gotten more craftwork accomplished.

maybe that's why the last day has felt so weird. i didn't spend it worrying about getting all sorts of various shit accomplished. i just did what i was doing and let the rest go. once i got into Kimli's car yesterday, i relinquished my ingrained need to Get Things Done. it was all up to her to get us to Bellingham and back; i was just along for the ride. i don't often get to experience that now that i'm a grown-up with responsibilities and chores and bills and and and...

i could use that feeling a little more often.

so, i've had a fairly busy three weeks.

i had knee surgery, a night at the Villa Casino hotel, a gall bladder attack of such excruciating pain i was drenched in sweat and visited by the paramedics, a sudden pain in my left leg which woke me up at 2am which turned out to be a blood clot that suddenly decided that my left leg wasn't the cool place to hang out and rushed straight for my lungs which precipitated my first ambulance ride and a six-day hospital stay. then, just as i'm getting used to the idea that i'll be taking rat poison for the next six months to keep my blood all thin and non-clotty, i get a cold.

really? did all that actually happen to me in the last three weeks? it certainly did and, you know what? i may still be a little gimpy and be weak as a new-born baby, but i survived it.

through all of it, my parents and Christopher have been so devoted and amazing. even when their own life threw wrenches in the works, they've been so awesome to me.

Christopher stayed with me in the ER for almost 24 hours, standing or trying desperately to sleep in the most uncomfortable chair ever made, not leaving my side for a second. my dad was on call to shop or visit or drive me or someone somewhere if it was needed and sitting with me, loving me in his solid, quiet way. my mom rushed over on the first available ferry from the island to swoop into the hospital and ask all the questions i didn't know needed asking and to tend me once i got home, holding me tight when the tears finally broke through.

it's also been a very scary three weeks.

i was afraid of the surgery, but that all went well. i was scared when i was suddenly doubled over in pain and sweating from head to toe. i was terrified i was going to die when my heart suddenly started bouncing around in my chest and i felt like i wouldn't ever get another breath. i was scared when the doctor confirmed that i had a very large clot somewhere in my lungs and he wouldn't tell us where, exactly, it was. even now, when i'm feeling better and i know my medication is working, i am petrified every time i exert myself that i'm going to have to call the ambulance again.

i've been afraid, every night, that i won't wake up the next morning.

i keep thinking that nearly dying should somehow have made me want to do, to live, more. instead, it's made me want to do nothing. to hide in my apartment, where it's safe, where i'm alone and i don't have do anything which will jeopardize my health.

it was a beautiful, sunny & windy day yesterday -- the kind of blustery day i love -- so i got dressed and went for a walk. i didn't get a quarter of the way around the block before i got scared and had to come home. it was physically exhausting and the further i got from my apartment, the more frightened i might not make it back i became. i don't know what part of that is that i'm still weak from surgery and Pulmonary Embolism or the cold i'm fighting off and which is the fear i've been living with for the past twenty-some-odd days.

there's not much to like about being scared all the the damn time. about freaking out every time you breathe a little fast or feel any kind of twinge, flinch or gurgle inside your body. hell, i even have to be scared about eating too much broccoli, green beans or garlic while i'm taking this medication!

fear sucks.

but, i guess it's better to be alive and scared than not.

what do you do when you can't tweet? that's right, you figure out a way to blog instead. heh.

the last month has gone by in a complete blur. honestly, i'm not actually sure what i did with myself for the last 30 days. there were a few more birthday celebratory things. i saw a movie or three. my tomato plants started churning out cherries. saw my dad a lot -- which is a nice change. ate dinner with famous politicians while wearing a dress. went to see The Decemberists rock out at The Vogue. went to the hospital. had to get my car towed. went swimming. discovered the awesomeness which is homemade pesto. got tranquilizers which i'm afraid to take. oh, yeah, and i nearly died from a ridiculous record-breaking heat wave.

huh, i guess i wasn't as boring as i thought. that's nice. i was hoping my first month being 37 wouldn't be too disappointing.

my upcoming knee surgery is consuming my thoughts these days. from worrying about going under to trying to figure out how much money i'll need to save to ensure i have enough to pay my bills with my reduced income while i'm off to trying to develop a training plan which will cover all eventualities my temp might encounter. it's only three weeks away and it's stressing me out to no end (hence procuring tranquilizers).

i keeping wanting to see people but their fun and exciting lives either intimidate or thwart me from making plans. if it didn't mean dusting, i'd totally invite y'all over to hang out and watch MST3K movies with me. preferably sans pants.

now that, THAT, was how you're supposed to celebrate your birthday! awesome people, awesome food, awesome weather. seriously, the day couldn't have gone any better!

thanks to everyone who made it out to help me eat meat and cake and bowl and drink beers.

for the rest of you, you SO owe me dinner. ;)

thirty-seven years ago, at 9:03 am, i was born. just two blocks from where i now sit. by all accounts it was an ordinary, albeit sweltering, Monday morning, except for what was happening on the third floor of Lions Gate Hospital to that poor couple whose lives would be irrevocably altered by my tiny, squirming emergence.

my thirty-sixth year was mostly unexciting. i didn't go any further than vancouver island. i didn't become rich or famous. i didn't get fit or skinny. i didn't appear on any Most Wanted lists (for good or ill).

i did, finally, wrassle my financial life into submission and have been pummeling it monthly to keep it in line. it's hard to be a single person, living alone, owing the bank money. but, with persistence and a little luck, by my birthday after next, i should be able to declare myself debt-free! now THAT will be a natal anniversary to celebrate!

thirty-six was the year i withdrew. partly because of the aforementioned debt-slaying, partly because i'm starting to feel my decades a bit more keenly and there aren't many places left i'm more comfortable with than my own abode. plus, i've discovered that the more people you know, the more difficult it is to see them all on a consistent basis. i hope to change that this year, but... we all know what the road to hell is paved with. after thirty-seven years, i don't think i'm going to suddenly turn into a social butterfly. i need far too much sleep for that.

i've been to see medical professionals more in the last twelve months than i have in the twelve years previously. my GP, a trip to St. Paul's Hospital for an MRI, a few trips out to Richmond to see my surgeon. in two short months' time, i'll be recovering from my left knee arthroscopy. i'm both excited and terrified about that. i like the idea of being able to walk without fear, but i'm terrified i won't wake up from anesthesia. good thing i have two months to yet worry about it get over that, huh?

this year i made things and *gasp* people bought them. it's still a little boggling to me, but if i want to keep it up, i really need to develop my self-marketing skills. blushing and digging my toe into the carpet when someone expresses interest in my product isn't the most successful selling solution, i'd imagine.

today, i'm going to make baked beans because tomorrow, there will be celebrating.

happy birthday to me!

and i thought the morning alien babies were bad!

other than a quick trip to the Spa to ensure Liselotte's wheel won't fall off and procuring food & drugs, i haven't been out of my apartment since Friday afternoon. the plague i thought i had fought with the help of Cold-FX gave me the ultimate smack-down and i've been writhing on the mat ever since. ugh. it only reason i went to work Friday was for a Very Important Meeting which i'd been hoping for for over two years. as soon as that was finished, my boss sent me home.

on the way, groggy and zombie-eyed, a blue mini-van tried to change lanes into me. there was much squealing, smoke and my hubcap got sheared off the front wheel of the car when i bumped into the curb while trying to avoid automotive squishiness.

poor Christopher came over that night to make me ginger tea and watch me suffer. i wasn't really in the best shape for company, especially since speaking more than a sentence would send me into a coughing fit. i guess he's just hot for chicks with blood-shot eyes and the voice of a 80-year-old whiskey-drinking chain-smoking barfly.

my entire "weekend" was spent sleeping, trying to sleep, coughing or whining about how horrible my life is and please god kill me now why don't you just end my suffering already? the best part? every time i turned on the TV it was all swine flu this, swine flu that. i can't even have the cool swine flu, it's just some garden variety flu. i'm so unlucky. especially since i had to cancel my massage appointment on Saturday and we all know how much i love me my massage time. on Sunday, i didn't want to risk going to the camera show, so Chris and Jamie had all the fun there for me instead. jealous.

i'm staying home today, too, because when my alarm went off at 5:30 this morning, i was so very tired it felt like the entire universe had its hands on my shoulders to keep me in bed. so i called my boss, rolled over and slept for four more hours. i must be feeling better, though, because all i really want to do today is go for a walk and maybe sit in a park in the sunshine for a while. oh, and i can actually taste my breakfast. yay!