Recently in self-indulgence Category

let's see... have i told you lately that i love you? no? i'm not surprised. i'm not in a very loving frame of mind these days. except with pizza and my couch.

and, because i'm having a really hard time finding reasons to love, i'm going to make a list of things which make me happy -- or, at least, don't piss me off. because i really need a reminder that life isn't as shitty as it feels to me right now.

- cats. i got to play with my best friend's cat the other day. he's so soft and purry and pretty. i heart cats. when my super comes to fix my floor, i'm going to find out, once and for all, if i can get a cat. if the answer is yes, that's it. no more talk. i'm going to go find me something soft and fuzzy to love.
- HD. o.m.g. yeah, now i get what all the fuss is about. of course, it's all thanks to the new (to me) plasma tv and super-cheap Telus tv service i just switched to. wow. yeah, i can't wait to see Castle in HD. all that yummy Nathan Fillion goodness all big and pore-rich? *drool*
- sewing. i can't entirely tell if this makes me happy yet, but the IDEA of it certainly does. i signed up for a sewing 101 class at Spool of Thread next saturday. i'm ridiculously excited to go and learn how to make a tote bag out of super-yummy fabrics.
- kingsley. i love air conditioning. i love keyless entry. i love power steering. i love how quiet it is. i love that it goes when i tell it to and stops when i tell it to. i love warranties. i love new car smell (which i can't smell anymore). i love driving without fear for the first time in far too many years.
- canadian health care. it's coming up a year since my NDE and i can't say enough good things about paramedics, nurses and general hospital staff. i had surgery, then suffered near-fatal complications, and everyone involved in my care and treatment was beyond awesome (except for that one ER doctor who will go unnamed). i am, and will always be grateful that i live in a country where i don't have to hesitate for a moment before seeking medical care. i know that help is there for me, no matter how much money i have or what my standing in society. the system is not perfect, but it saved my life. i love canada.
- mcgillicuddy. for my birthday, i bought myself a Mac Mini and it's so nice to have a computer which Just Works. hell, it's also a media PC since i have it connected to my tv via HDMI. no more transferring files from my computer to the DVD player via DVD/USB/SD-card. just click-click and bam! more HD goodness! plus, it's tiny and cute and i no longer have that ugly, noisy box sitting on my floor filling up with dust and spiders.
- emergency fund. thanks to my mom & i's meager lottery win the other week, i now have (well, i will in two weeks) a nice-sized cushion of cash sitting in the orange bank. and, thanks to my Magic Spreadsheet and two years of budget tweaking, i shouldn't have to touch it except in the case of dire need (which, thanks to the new car purchase, shouldn't come up often anymore *crosses fingers*). it's nice to know it's there, even if i hope i never have to use it for anything.
- skirts. with age comes a severe decrease in modesty. or maybe that was just a week in hospital with random strangers lifting up my gown several times a day. either way, yeah. i used to be so stupidly ashamed of my fat cankles that i'd never, ever think to bare them, even in the hottest hot or at the prettiest party. now? blah. i'm fat. my legs are fat. it's hot. i'm going to wear a goddamn skirt! plus, skirts are flouncy and fun. and pretty. and i need something to make me feel pretty. who cares if my Polish peasant legs are stubby and pale. they're not hurting you, so why should i hide them away? bring on the skirts -- let's twirl!
- Christopher Evans. he's stupidly kind and sweet to me, even when i don't deserve it. he'll go run to the store to fetch bacon so we can have a yummy breakfast at home. he'll change my kitchen light bulb because i'm too short to reach it without a teetering tower of chairs and stools. he'll tell me i'm cute and kiss the back of my neck. he'll carry the basket at the grocery store even when it gets super heavy and it hurts his sore back. he'll only complain a little when i make him watch yet another episode of The Millionaire Matchmaker. *gush*
- getting rid of stuff. i experience a big mental sigh of relief every single time i remove something unused or unloved from my home. it's as if a physical weight is lifted. i love having bare space around me in my apartment. it feels right. it feels free. it opens up my ability to imagine and relax. when there's too much stuff around me, i feel claustrophobic. i get antsy and anxious and unhappy. i'm currently gearing up for a huge de-clutter. my first priority is to rip all my CDs then find them new homes elsewhere. i don't know what i'll do with all that shelf-space! how exciting!!

well, that's surprising. i didn't think i'd have that many things which make me happy. i didn't put down things like bubble tea or not talking or showers, because they have negatives attached to them which almost neutralize their goodness. but, yeah. i guess life doesn't suck as much as it seems.

now, bring me spicy tuna.

today is my blog's 10th birthday.

i wanted to make a big production with prizes and retrospectives and "best of"s, but yeah. it's not really that kind of blog anymore, is it?

every august 10th, i take a few minutes to think about all the good things this website has brought me. i've met some of my most favourite people thanks to my weblog. i've kept other friends and family members up on my latest antics and tragedies. i've shared my photos and creations. i've gotten support and encouragement when i needed it most. i've used it to learn about myself and words and html and css. i've vented and cursed and swooned and gushed and laughed and cried and grumbled. all out here in the open on the internets for anyone to see and share.

i miss it, if i'm really honest with myself. i miss the multiple posts per day. the comments and commentary. the link backs. the random wish list gifts. the stalkers. even the template thieves! but, facebook and twitter have made that sort of blogging passe, i suppose. i'm not interesting enough to be a paid blogger like Dooce or knowledgeable enough about anything in particular to monetize my ramblings, which seems to be the only reason why people have blogs these days.

i started writing online when i didn't have a lot going on in my life. i didn't really have any local friends to spend time with. if i wasn't working, i was probably chatting online or sitting alone in my apartment. the vancouver blogging community (and, later, meetup, flickr and twitter) changed all that for me. if i hadn't started a blog, i probably wouldn't have met so many great friends who've brought such fun and joy into my life. i would never have met Christopher. i can only imagine i would be a much lonelier and sadder person than i am now.

all from a few words on a server somewhere connected by a bunch of bits travelling around the world superfast! how awesome is technology?!

also, every august 10th, i make some vague promise to blog more, blog better; but, i can't promise that to you anymore. i blow my wad on conversations with real people these days; or, spew out my pith in 140 characters or less. it's been years since i've managed to be interesting on a consistent basis. i apologize for that. i miss you, it, us, them. it's not the same as it was back at the beginning of this shiny new century; but it is what it is and, honestly, i don't mind it all that much.

so, happy birthday blog! and happy birthday blog readers! thanks for the shoulders, the ears, the laughs, the love, the learning and the decade of your time & attention.

my week thusfar has completely unraveled. and it's only tuesday! ugh. i hate it when i'm overcommitted and my regularily scheduled plans are thwarted by outside stuff.

so, i find myself obsessively planning all the things i want to accomplish during my glorious ten-day vacation which commences promptly at 3:30pm friday afternoon:

- get Kingsley's first service (has it been four months already??)
- go to the doctor for various pokes & prods
- visit america to buy sponges, underpants and, hopefully, pants which won't fall down
- finish one or two home projects so that i can document and present my awesomeness to the internets
- go to Kelowna to visit Gill and family (i have yet to thank my aunt for the hand-me-down plasma tv)
- sleep
- get a damn hair cut
- see Inception
- install fancy softwares and get things like my scanner and cameras working on my mac
- see people
- be alone
- rent a paddleboat to float on Deer Lake and bbq hot dogs with many favourite peoples
- sell more stuff on Craigslist (omg, it's so much fun!)

so, yeah. i'm just muddling my way through this last week of officemate-filling-in. trying not to screw up too much and avoid as much confusing/weird crap as possible before i get to hand it all back to him with just as much explanation as he gave me (which was NONE).

i think the worst part is that the gym is being renovated, and that means no bootcamp this week. ugh! how the hell am i supposed to purge my stress if i can't sweat it out?? good thing my stomach's been upset, or i'd just eat my weight in medicinal chocolate.

om. vacation. om.

in the last few months i've replaced:

- my cell phone
- my car
- my diet
- my tv
- my dining room chairs
- my computer
- my tv/internet service
- my pvr
- my monitor

it seems so strange that suddenly, it seems, i'm replacing everything i use on a regular basis. the last thing i have that really needs replacing, though, is my dSLR. while it's still working, i'm having trouble finding Nikon software to do what I need done on the new computer; but, seeing as i've already blown all semblance of a budget with my recent splurges, i'll be holding off on that for a while.

so, in case you don't know, here's the scoop on each one:

i replaced my crappy pay-as-you-go cell phone from virgin with a shiny iPhone 3GS with a ridiculously cheap and flavourful plan from Bell. it was a bit of a mental hurdle to go from one to the other, but after six months, i can't even imagine life without it now.

on april first, i picked up my 2010 Mazda 3 Sport from the dealership. i had finally had enough of all the troubles my 1991 VW Golf had given me, and, thanks to my dad and 0% financing for 5 years, i finally have a reliable car with so. many. features! i don't think i'll ever get tired of power steering or air conditioning. so THIS is how other people live! it's so decadent!

with the bootcamp fitness challenge at work came a food plan. with that food plan, i started eating every 2-3 hours. now, if i don't get fed regularly, i get very cranky and very sleepy. it's annoying! but, i guess the 14 pounds i lost mean that all that eating is good for me, so i'm sticking with it. mostly.

my mom and her middle sister made a spur of the moment road trip up to Kelowna to visit their estranged (and crazy) little sister a couple months back. while there, my crazy aunt offered my mom a 32" plasma tv. mom had just gotten a new 40" LCD, so she declined, but she did say that i needed one. hence, instead of my perfectly suitable 20" CRT, i'm now the proud owner of a gigantic (to me) fancy HD tv. score!

as an early birthday present, Christopher bought me four aqua chrome dining chairs to go with my yellow arborite & chrome dining table. we had to make a trek out to maple ridge to get them, but it was worth the adventure (and the scrubbing needed once i got them home). they are exactly what i've always wanted to complete my retro dining set. yay craigslist!

i switched! yup, on my birthday, i went to the Apple store and bought myself a Mac Mini to replace my dying PC, discombobulate. it was a good run, but i was tired of broken USB, cranky loud fans and all the Windows slowness. now, i'm all Apple-y with my mac and iphone. just get me some skinny jeans & big, empty 80's eyeglass frames and i'll be right at home on Main St.

after hmming and hawing for a month after getting an offer for Telus TV in my mailbox, i decided to make the switch from Shaw. even with my superawesome unapproved deal with them, the Telus offer was too good to pass up. despite all the installation issues on Saturday, it seems it's worth it. HD is so awesome. so is being able to record THREE THINGS AT ONCE with the new pvr it came with (bye-bye TiVo)! OMG! this upcoming TV season is going to be SO AWESOME!

the problem, it seems, with replacing one thing is it leads to another. that's why after getting the new, fast, sexy Mac Mini, i ended up buying a new, shiny 23" monitor. i hadn't planned on it, i swear! i wasn't even looking, until Chris pointed out the pile of really cheap Samsung monitors at NCIX while we were there picking up a new power bar and HDMI adapter (did i mention, i can connect the new Mac to my new TV to watch downloaded stuff without any converting or transferring? SO HAWT!). it was one of those times it was just too perfect to say no to. the monitor cost pretty close to the savings from cancelling my tivo service because of the new Telus TV service. it all fell into place and now i'm swimming in screen real estate!

here endeth my journal of rampant consumerism. please help pay off my gluttony by buying my stuff:

12" Apple iBook G4
Acer 19" LCD widescreen monitor
LACk floating shelf in Beech

so, my 37th year was... eventful. among other things i:

i had surgery (and woke up), but ended up nearly dying a week later. luckily, i'm smart or something and had a good idea what was happening and had the wherewithal to advocate for myself while being rolled around the medical system. unfortunately, i learned a little too much about fear and anxiety. i also learned that i am so unbearably lucky to have the family and friends that i do.

i also gave up on trying to be debt-free for my 41st birthday and bought a much-needed new, and warrantied, car.

i met someone i've wanted to for many years when my friend Paige came to visit in May.

i've gone to a lot of parties and have, shockingly, started not hating the idea of them!

i started going to boot-camp and got my ass KICKED twice-weekly for three months. the scariest thing? i loved it and can't wait to get back to it! Christopher isn't sure how he feels about my shrinking ass, though. ;)

i believe it's no longer possible for me to pretend that i'm young. 38 is way too close to 40 for comfort.

so... 38. what do you have in store for me? whatever you do, please be gentle with me. i may seem to be all tough, but i'm still a little tender from the whooping i got last year.

do you remember when you didn't know who was calling you before you picked up the phone?

how about  having to get up to change the channel on the tv?

or knowing where you're going and planning to get there on time because you had no way to contact someone in-transit?

what about having to use the stove to heat up leftovers?

or having to plan to be home at 8pm on thursday night to watch your favourite show because if you didn't, you would just plain miss it?

it seems i'm feeling a little nostalgic for all the things which have changed, just in my (short-ish) lifetime.

don't get me wrong, i love tech.  i barely remember how i lived without my microwave, tivo, iphone and digital everything.  power windows in my car.  a whole collection of movies and tv shows on dvd to watch anytime i want.  hundreds of albums worth of music in my pocket wherever i go.  i don't think i'd willingly go back to those days, but still... there's a sense that things were simpler.  less busy.  quieter and maybe even a little better.

all the distractions have entirely eroded my ability to concentrate.  reading a book?  c'mon!  every few pages i have to put it down to check twitter or email or see why tivo's recording something. oh, wait!  that reminds me, i have to google [insert random thing here]!  i miss uni-tasking.  i miss not needing the internet in my pocket.  i miss having extra outlets; not plug-juggling to get juice for whatever new gadget it is i just brought home.

there's not really any place for me to go with this train of thought except into a shiny mag-lev future.  unless there's a giant EMP which fries all the transistors in all our tech, it'll only get more gadgety and our kids won't even believe us when we tell them stories about having to write letters on paper with sticks filled with coloured water.

oh, you darn kids.  GIT OFF MY LAWN!

six months ago (minus three days), a blood clot which formed in the back of my left leg after my knee surgery broke off, zoomed up my leg, through my heart and got stuck in my lung. it went from being a DVT to a PE in a millisecond. and it almost killed me.

for the last six months (minus three days), i've been taking a daily dose of rat poison to thin my blood enough so that i wouldn't form another clot and to buy my body time to "deal with" the clot that now resided in my lung, like a ticking time bomb.

every week for the last six months (minus three days), i've had to go to the lab and get poked with needles (sometimes multiple times) to draw my blood to ensure that i was taking enough rat poison to keep the clot(s) at bay.

every minute of every day for the last six months (minus three days), i've worried about that clot in my lung. the doctor in the hospital said one of three things could happen to it:

1) it could just go away;
2) it could get scarified and permanently attached inside my lung; or,
3) it could, in some cases, get bigger.

he also said they wouldn't do any follow-up CT scan or testing to find out what it did after my six months of anti-coagulant treatment. take the pills and then stop taking the pills and you'll be fine, he said. so, i lived with the fear that it was just growing and getting more and more ominous because that's what i do. i worry and practice hypochondria.

today, i got the news.

my lovely and wonderful hematologist told me that the radioactive fog i breathed in and radioactive solution i got shot up with two weeks ago showed that my lungs are completely clear. my clot is gone! my lungs are absolutely normal and i am not going to die at some random moment because i exerted myself too much and dislodged my unwanted lung tenant! i can eat broccoli and take vitamins with abandon! i can have beer! i can go jump on a treadmill and not fear heavy breathing!

i started to cry as i walked to the car. i knew i'd been depressed and anxious the last six months (minus three days) and that i was under some extreme stress, but this news, those three little words, have lifted a giant weight from my shoulders. as i told my dad, there aren't enough exclamation points in the world to express just how happy this makes me.

I AM NORMAL!!!

and i'm so happy i could almost float. =)

this is a list of all the things i think i should have accomplished lately but haven't:

- cleaned my dad's car windows while he was away
- vacuumed the crap off my floors
- washed my floors
- cleaned the bathtub
- called my cousin back
- returned that text message from Tyler
- used my Wii Fit (Plus)
- roasted the peppers which hopefully haven't yet gone bad
- eaten those potatoes i baked
- cleaned the window tracks
- removed all the various gardening debris from the balcony
- fixed the bathroom drawer
- cleaned the kitchen light fixture
- called the super about getting my bathroom repaired
- gone for a walk
- posted better things more often
- called Meghan
- called Karen
- helped my uncle with his scanner
- called about counseling
- cleaned and purged my kitchen cupboards
- cleaned and purged my bookshelves
- cleaned and purged my storage closet
- cleaned out the bottom of the coat closet
- moved the cedar chest into the closet so i have room for a new dresser
- turned the mattress
- had the blinds washed
- bought new curtains for the livingroom (i just ordered some in two colours to decide between)
- cleaned my car windows
- put up my craft crap on Etsy for sale
- all that shit at work i hate doing
- shaved my legs
- called for a hair appointment
- worn my brace
- found some way of keeping in better touch with Jeremy, Heather and Tyler
- lost weight
- ate more vegetables
- gotten over all the September trauma already

my house is a mess, my kitchen is covered in dirty dishes, i'm smelly, exhausted and broke.

this is what it's like when i procrastinate and have less than a week to produce enough crap craft to take to the craft fair to, hopefully, you know, sell.

i've mentioned it in passing, i think, but not in detail. after applying in May, my co-worker and i were finally informed of our acceptance into the Christmas Magic at the Manor two-day craft fair being held at the Urban Academy in New Westminster. unfortunately, they didn't bother telling us until the very end of October. eep! so, instead of having months to spend preparing stock, we've had less than three weeks to prep everything for the fair NEXT WEEKEND.

and, of course, because i'm a lazy slacker, i wasted two weeks and decided six days would be more than enough to make over two hundred magnets, one hundred photo cards, fifty pendants and two dozen rings.

just kill me now, please.

anyway, if you're not doing anything next weekend, feel free to stop by and say hi (and bring me food and/or beverages)!

Christmas Magic at the Manor
November 21 & 22, 2009 10 am to 5 pm

Urban Academy
101 Third Street, New Westminster, BC

i had promised myself that today i'd post something with actual content, but work was crazy and i spent the last eight hours buying american underpants, among other things. more to come, but now... now i need sleep.