Recently in words Category

as is tradition, i'll be damn glad when january is over. ugh, this month! what is it about this month?

***

everytime i'm in the kitchen slicing a lot of something, i think about that late series episode of Dawson's Creek in which Pacey is working in the restaurant owned by that kind of jerky rich guy. he's given a bushel of potatoes and told to slice them as thinly as he can. after something like a month of slicing bowl upon giant bowl of potatoes he finally has a Pacey-style hissy fit and is all "why am i slicing all these goddamn potatoes?!" and his dick boss hands him a dish and says "so you don't waste these super-expensive truffles".

i don't know why i think of that, but i do. then i think about how that was kind of a pivotal moment for Pacey as he finally found something he was willing to suffer through to the end because it was like he knew cooking was going to be the one thing he was really good at. lucky for him he found someone to teach him.

btw, i may have that all completely wrong, but it's how i remember it. so there.

***

seriously, why do you people like me?

***

i haven't been to the gym since...early october? maybe late september. i can practically feel my muscles turning into fat. i have so many owies it's like i'm 80 when i try to get out of bed at 5am. you'd think that would inspire me to get back to it, right? you'd be wrong. besides the fact that i barely have enough energy to get from work to home and from the car to a supine position on my new couch means that just the thought of -- shudder -- exercise exhausts me. then all the ow which i know will come from abusing what's left of my muscles... ugh. no thanks.

seriously, they're not kidding when they say the hardest part of working out is just getting in the gym.

i'm trying to gear myself up mentally for it. but... that's three hours less kitten time per week! how could i ever survive?

***

speaking of kittens, i think they've broken me.

pre-cats i was a sucker for animal and senior welfare, but now i seem to be some total pansy-ass compassionate do-gooder. or at least i would be if i weren't too scared to talk to strangers.

it just seems that i'm suddenly finding myself being empathicly drawn to people and creatures which seem to be in distress. and, if i can't actually help them, find myself getting all sniffly and worrying about them long past my observation of them.

last week, i saw a pigeon in distress while i was driving back to work after lunch. i cried all the way to the office because i couldn't help it because i had to go back to the office.

yesterday, i saw this woman on the sidewalk being held tightly on the upper arm by a man. she wasn't looking at him, but out at the cars driving by. i wanted to turn around and find some excuse to interrupt them to ascertain if she was being manhandled. later on my commute, a man was squatting down while holding a small black book against his face with the palms of his hands. it looked like he might be crying. i wanted to go back and ask him if he was okay.

but, i didn't.

and i worry that makes me a bad person.

what's worse? not noticing these things and feeling a compassionate need to assist or noticing & feeling but not doing anything but fucking blogging about it?

christmas ruined me.

well, it wasn't just christmas. it was the most expensive haircut i've ever had. then it was LONDON. then the new iPhone. then the new dress & shoes & handbag. then christmas. then travelling to/from the island. then the new couch. then Christopher's 40th birthday & party. then the $50 pen. then the destination wedding accommodations. then, then, then...

everything i've spent in the last four months has seemed needed and important and, when taken separately, affordable. but now? i'm all tapped out and determined to cast off this cloak of consumerism i've been wearing for too many purchases. it's been a slow death by a thousand cuts and i'm so very tired of bleeding. let me be clear: i'm not in debt for any of these purchases. i have the cash to pay for them all; but, it's eating into my savings and that is starting to freak me out and piss me off.

to that end, i am declaring February NO SPEND MONTH.

other than things i've already budgeted for (thankfully, that's a lot), i'm not spending anything. that means, when my food & grocery money is spent, i either rummage in my cupboards for miracle meals or i starve. when my entertainment budget is blown, i will not be going out where i will have to pay monies.

hopefully, i will be able to live below my budget for the month and then maybe have a little bit left over to put back into those deflated savings accounts; but, i'll be happy to be at net zero come the end of Feb.

this declaration is part public commitment to my plan and a head's up to all those who care that i may be even more hermity next month -- especially the last few days -- if things don't go well.

since you arrived from my friend Jodi Chromey, you've been my constant companion for the last eight years, six months and 18 days. you've travelled with me through four countries, in cars, on boats, in planes and on buses. you've written letters, cheques, daily drivel and secret notes.

today, as i was screwing in a new ink cartridge, you finally collapsed. your beautiful red barrel cracked. i couldn't believe my eyes. i denied the reality before me as you tore yourself apart trying to get one. last. cartridge. inside you for me to use.

i've ordered your replacement, but know that you'll never truly be replaced. thank you for all the words, dearest Lamy. you will never be forgotten.

hi!

2011... didn't suck.

i visited the ER a couple times. got an organ sucked out of my belly button. went to LONDON! and PARIS! paid off a bank loan i'd been carrying (in one form or another) since 1997. had the best 39th birthday a girl could hope for. gave blood -- twice! bought a new couch. i wore dresses! met George Stroumboulopoulos and he is still my voicemail message. i learned to love my kindle. played with glass & painted pottery. i purged, purged and purged again. and, i got my hair professionally coloured for the first time.

of course, it wasn't all bubble tea & kittens. i had a lot of stress and a lot of SAD. i struggled but i think i made it through in one piece. maybe even a little bit better than i was before it started.

i didn't feel like ringing in 2012 with a lot of hoopla. i stayed at home, ate pizza, watched some tv and was in bed by 10pm. i was woken by yelling neighbours just before midnight and stayed awake to hear the year tick over. then i kissed a kitten head and went back to sleep.

for this year, i'm not asking for a lot. i'd like it to be free of hospitals, big bills and anxiety/depression. i'd like it to be filled with more friends, kitten bellies and adventures. i want to get back to the gym. i want to eat more veggies. i want to continue to reduce the things i'm caretaking so that i can spend more time with the people (and kittens) i care for. i want to be smarter with my money. i want to be a better daughter, friend and employee.

mostly, i want to not freak the fuck out because i'm turning 40 this summer. ugh.

2012. wtf, right? that was freakin' science fiction when i was a kid. who knew we'd actually be alive to see it?

so... i went to London & Paris last month. it was awesome. i might blog about it, but Kimli already did in such detail and with typical panache, that i kind of feel like there's not much more i could add. it's been three weeks since i returned home and i haven't done a damn thing with the 1,500 photos i took, either. i just... ugh.

in some ways, i don't want to talk or write or post anything about it. i find myself savouring moments and experiences by turning them around and over inside my brain, like slowly sucking on a really good candy, trying to more firmly implant the memories so i won't lose any of the delicious details. it was everything i could have hoped the experience could be. it was just too short and i would love nothing more than to go back. right now. for a year.

but, the three weeks since i've been home? suck. i got sick in Europe and kept that up for a good week and a half after i got home. then, just as i thought i was better, i got hit again. on top of some seriously debilitating muscle spasms in my back & neck laying me up and making me whimper, cramps from hell, a mystery foot injury and, the biggest culprit of my autumn misery: all the dark. i've been hiding from everything except work and cats. i've bailed on at least two fun times because i just can't bother, it's so dark, it's cold, i spent all my money in England, i'm sleepy, i'm sore, etc. so, i've been staying home and getting rid of stuff. i've been wanting to do a huge purge for a long while now, so at least my hermitage is paying off that way.

otherwise, yeah. i fucking hate this time of year. stuck inside during the only daylight; coming & going in the dark. even with all the lights on full, by 6pm i feel like i should be in bed (and i'm surprised if i'm still awake after 9). this happens every year and in another couple weeks i should be acclimated, but until then? UGH.

i'm thinking that i'm going to eschew gifts this christmas season. i don't want stuff and, well, i'm broke. i might bake, though. i've done so twice in the last week (which is 500% more than in the last two years) and it didn't suck (and kittens didn't care enough to get in the way, which is a bonus). we'll see. i might change my mind if i find something i want someone to buy me. heh.

so, in conclusion, i miss you, i really do. you're just going to have to come over and hang out with me in my dark, empty apartment while i wear pajama pants and wonder why you like me. okay?

i'm having a hard time keeping the tears back today. i've been worrying for two weeks and this is a trigger day for reasons i don't want to put on the internet. getting to the sad, dog dying part of the book i'm reading didn't help matters. nor are all these awesome hormones i'm battling.

so, i need to think nice things.

last night was full of nice things. i had a bunch of fun people over to watch the premiere of America's Next Top Model All-Stars. i also finally (after first deciding it was a good idea) got my wednesday night salad party. yay! although, some people thought that salad was made of cookies or pudding & truffles. i LOVE those kind of people! i even got brave and brought a co-worker into the mix. she got totally fooled and thought all my friends were great. silly co-worker! ;)

and, i managed to have an almost entirely dish-washing-free evening. other than a few bowls and serving utensils, i didn't have to do any dishes! wahoo!

the kittens were charming and everyone said all the nice things about how tiny and soft and cute and adorable and awesome they are. i'm pretty sure i now know what parental pride feels like. of course, Amy had to be Amy and right in the middle of watching the show, she up and climbed on the plasma tv to entertain my guests. i love my cats. =)

i'm trying hard to make it until quitting time. i wish i could just go home, bury myself in kittens and cry my worry out, but i can't. so, instead, i write blog posts and wish my day away. why is it so hard sometimes? it doesn't seem quite fair.

two years ago today, i was walking up the stairs to christopher's house when my heart started galloping like a racehorse, i couldn't catch my breath and it felt like someone was standing on my sternum. what i didn't realize until i was lying in the ambulance hooked up to beeping things, and wouldn't be confirmed until a few hours later after i received x-rays and a CT scan, was that the reason my left calf had been hurting for a week after my knee operation was that i had a clot in there -- and that clot had decided that it wanted emancipation. so, it broke free and zipped through my hemoglobin highways and got stuck in my lung.

where it nearly killed me.

i was lucky in many ways that day. i was quick-witted enough to figure out what had happened even before the diagnosis. i was aware and persistent enough to tell my theory to anyone i came across. i live in a country whose medical system, despite its flaws, is amazing and available to everyone. i had the loving support of my boyfriend and father in the hospital while waiting for a prognosis.

i could have died that day.

the doctors all have mentioned that my clot was big, yet no one will tell me exactly how big it was. that makes me think it was the size of my head and they're fucking amazed i didn't drop dead right there. seriously, why wouldn't they tell me unless it was really scary? so, i know that i dodged a clot-shaped bullet. people routinely die from emboli. one minute you're walking up the stairs, next you're dead. bam. just like that.

that could have been me.

it took me a good year to deal with all the PTSD associated with that near-death experience. i'm still not over it all. i have moments where it all comes back to me and i freak the fuck out. i will say that year two was definitely better than year one. this year, i started living again and i think i've actually done my second life a little justice this last twelve months.

let's see, i...

- got rid of that crappy ass volkswagen and
- bought a shiny, new car
- ROAD TRIP!
- got cats. finally.
- had visitors from afar
- bootcamp! regular exercise has been amazing in helping me get my head on straighter.
- lost a wee bit of weight
- paid off ALL my consumer debt!!!
- had the best birthday in the last couple of decades!
- started enjoying living by doing things. with people. outside. OMG!
- got my guts fixed gallbladder removed so i don't have random, debilitating pain harshing my joie de vivre

and, the best of all...

- booking a trip to England with Kimli & Renee in October!!!

so, yeah. my second life isn't so bad. i'm kind of glad i'm getting to live it.

all i want to do is:
- read awesome books on my Kindle
- play with/snuggle/scritch/watch my cats
- day-dream about going to London & Paris

i wish i could try out:
- home staging/decorating
- real estate selling
- x-ray technicianing
- fashion designing
- food photography

i really would like to:
- throw out everything and start again
- paint the walls
- not talk for a week
- have someone deliver my meals so i don't have to think about food

good things from this week:
- new shoes
- fun music times
- adorable cats
- taro slush with pearls, half sweet

things i am looking forward to:
- London & Paris
- mom visiting
- dad's European river cruise photos
- bedtime

i am:
- tired
- hot
- broke
- dirty
- lazy
- trying

as of Saturday night i had:

- procured a robot
- hand-washed my car for the second time (since i purchased it in April 2010)
- bought train tickets to Paris
- bought tickets to the top of the Eiffel Tower. in PARIS.
- had the best nap ever
- eaten a Korean burrito (eggs! why, eggs?!)
- gotten stuck in traffic way more than ever necessary
- got stared at by a table-full of people
- eaten a Pirate Pak! yarr!
- box-jumped! successfully!
- wore a pretty glass thing i made
- watched two sad stories of cat abuse which made me cry and hug my kittens so tight

today, i'm:

- watching my robot clean my floors (drunk robot!)
- procrastinating going to the food shops
- soon to go pick up my dad at the airport
- having dinner with the boy
- not having a nap
- dreaming of London & Paris

whoa! eleven years! i've been blogging for eleven years? that's fucked up.

what's the eleventh anniversary? steel! well... i did buy myself tickets for a big steel bird to take me to England in October! i guess that should count nicely. =)

so, yeah, after talking about going to England for ELEVEN YEARS (what a coincidence!), i've finally gotten around to buying tickets. they're non-refundable and non-transferable, so i absolutely can't bow out now. HOLY CRAP! i'm going to England! i'm giddy and scared and excited and thrilled and and and! i'm also so very glad that i'm going with Kimli & Renee. while i like to think that i'm all independent and stuff, i probably wouldn't have ever gotten around to going there on my own. they'll be my instigators and wing-women as we hustle around London (and maybe Paris? and/or Cardiff?) taking in all the awesome and making adventure in our own image.

SO EXCITED!!!

p.s. Kimli & i are sharing a table at the Blim market portion of Picnurbia Carfree Festival at the corner of Robson & Howe this Sunday. word is they're laying turf on the street and everyone's invited to roll around on it! i'm confused and delighted and hope y'all come buy to visit us!